If We Had Done It Differently
by zashaxander
Summary: Kate meets Rick Castle when she's about to leave college, just after her Mom dies. They get to know each other, because they are both fascinated. - In the series, Kate's FBI ex says she waited in line for hours to get her book signed, and that the books got her through the murder, so this is what would happen if Rick didn't just sign the book. *COMPLETE*
1. Chapter 1

Kate was 20 years old, and her world had fallen apart. She had been in college – on the way to being the first female chief of justice. She was a star, she was popular, she was beautiful, and she had a set of popular, beautiful friends. She loved college – she was at UCLA – parties, beaches; sometimes life really felt like she was in a movie, and it was amazing. Well, it had been. Until that vacation, and that family dinner that never happened.

Three months later, and Kate was back at college for her second year. But nothing about her life would ever be the same. When she closed her eyes, all she could see was her mother's body, bloody and empty, with no life left inside. When she opened them, she saw her father, drinking away his sorrows, looking to follow her, Kate thought. He had insisted that she return to college. She was worried about being so far away – he needed looking after. But she had been persuaded – and he had friends who would look in on him.

She stood in her room, so familiar. One wall was covered with a collage of photographs – her and her friends, doing all kinds of things. But she wasn't that girl any more. She dumped her bag on the bed, and looked out of the window. She didn't understand how everything could be just the same. She looked in the mirror. She had no make-up on, and her hair, which she had been so proud of, needed re-doing – her roots were showing. She had just thrown on the first clothes she came to – jeans, and a baggy sweater. It was September – warm – but she was always cold now.

There was a knock on the door. Kate opened it, and forced a smile. It was Anna, her best friend. Anna looked as though she was in a room with an unknown wild animal, moving slowly so she didn't spook it. She sounded nervous when she spoke, and the shocked expression that had crossed her face when she first saw Kate had not gone unnoticed.

"Hey, Katie," she said awkwardly. She was beautifully made up as always, wearing white skinny jeans, a floaty peach-coloured sleeveless blouse (low cut, of course), wedge sandals, and a lot of jewellery. Her straight blonde hair, exquisitely styled, framed her doll like face. Not so long ago, she and Kate had matched.

"Hey Anna," Kate answered. "Come on in, sit down."

Anna perched uncomfortably on the chair, and Kate sat opposite her on the bed. Anna put on her best concerned face.

"So, Katie, how are you doing?"

What a stupid question, Kate thought. "I'm okay – I mean, it's awful, but I'm coping."

Anna looked hugely relieved that Kate didn't seem to want to talk about it. "Oh great. I know everything's going to be fine for you sweetie. But you should maybe work on your look – you've slipped a little bit, in the summer. Nothing major," she added hurriedly, "but let me give you a makeover before we go out, okay?"

Kate nodded, wondering if Anna had always been like this. How could she have been so close to someone so shallow? Had she been that shallow too? As she thought about it, she realised that she probably had.

Anna wanted to go to a club that was having an 'under 21s' night – mostly because there was a big group of guys that had already smuggled in loads of alcohol, and it was going to be free. She called Tanya, the third member of their group, on her brand new cellular phone. It was so small – it actually fitted in her pocket. Tanya arrived shortly afterwards, armed with a huge bag of cosmetics. Four months ago, this would have made Kate really excited. Now, she wished they would just go away – she wanted more than anything to be left alone. But she knew she had to try.

She let them redo her hair, a pretty, honey brown. They left it wavy, and Anna picked out a dress while Tanya worked on her face. The dress they chose was short, tight and red. Her lipstick was red too, and she was in her 4 inch black stiletto heels. She looked at herself in the mirror, trying to get into the mood to party, but she still just wanted to curl up in bed and be by herself. She closed her eyes; the lids were heavy with mascara, and forced herself to smile. Anna had changed too, into a tiny black skirt and a sparkly white crop top that showed off her flat, tan stomach. Kate looked at herself again. She had lost weight – it was obvious, now she thought about it. She had always been slim, but now her hip bones stuck out through the tight dress, and her curves were far less pronounced. She looked unhealthy, like a stick insect. Her mother would be angry with her. That thought almost made her cry, and she resolved to eat better, and start going to the gym again.

The club was only a short walk from campus. The music was loud, and there were over 100 students there already. Kate soon had a drink in her hand, and she downed it, hoping it would help her to relax. Tanya and Anna were dancing with the two best looking guys in the room, and Kate stood on her own. People came to say hi, but she barely noticed. The music thumped through her body, and she felt so alone. She went to get another drink, but it did nothing for her – she just felt dizzy as well as sad. She gave up, and slipped out of the door. She was freezing, and as she hurried back to her dorm, she wished they'd let her bring a jacket.

By the time she got to her room, Kate was already crying. Her face was black and streaky, and she peeled off the dress, kicked off her shoes, and sat on the floor, wishing it would swallow her up. She leaned against the wall, banging her head against it, wondering what the hell she was going to do with her life. How did people cope? Her mother had had her life brutally ripped from her, and the man who did it was still out there. Her mother, who she had loved and admired – all she had wanted was to be like her, and to make her proud. And now she never would. She had been shallow and stupid, with shallow and stupid friends, and that was how her mother had thought of her. She had let her down, and now there was no way to make it right.

Finally, she was too exhausted to cry any more. She couldn't sleep though. She looked in her bag. Soon after the murder, she had seen this book in the window of a shop, and she had thought that maybe reading it would help her to understand. It was a murder book, by a new writer, Richard Castle. She liked the name – it was mysterious, interesting. She opened the book, and liked the way the pages felt new and crisp under her fingers. It was called "In a hail of bullets" and it had won a prize – there was a label on the front of it.

She loved the way he wrote – it was hypnotic, and soon she was in a world of mystery and crime solving that almost made her forget about her own troubles. She fell asleep with the book in her hands.

The next morning, she didn't have any classes, so she went to the college library and looked up this guy. He was a young man, only four years older than her. And he was here! The website said that he moved between New York and LA, but he was currently in LA doing a tour of book signings to promote his new book. There was a list of dates, and Kate discovered he was going to be in a shop only a mile away this afternoon. She made a snap decision. She needed to do something. She went back to her room, made herself look presentable, even applying a little make-up, and grabbed the book. She hadn't finished it, but she was close, and she could when she got there. She dashed out to the bus stop, and got on the next one. She arrived at the bookshop at 11am. The signing wasn't until 1pm, but she could see through the window that he was already there. There wasn't anyone waiting, so she went inside.


	2. Chapter 2

She was surprised that the shop was so empty – she had thought that since the book was an award winner, there would be a crowd of people there already. She wasn't nervous to speak to the guy exactly – it wasn't like he was a movie star or something, and he didn't seem intimidating. He was cute though. Out of her league, now – she knew she looked like a wreck. She ran her hand through her hair, actually glad she had let her friends dye it. She looked down at her scruffy chucks and worn out jeans, and gripped the book tightly. She hadn't looked at a guy this way in three months, and somehow doing it now made her feel guilty. She examined him – he was wearing jeans and chucks too – his jeans were newer though. He caught her looking, and she blushed. She walked over to the table where he was sitting, super relaxed, with his feet up on the corner of it.

"Hi," he said, with a smile. It was cute, and she liked the way his eyes smiled too. "I'm Rick."

"Kate," she said.

"I see you have my book, Kate. Have you read it?"

Kate looked embarrassed. "I haven't finished it – but I love it so far."

He laughed. "Don't be embarrassed. I don't think many people have read as much as you have. Would you like me to sign it?"

He watched her curiously. She looked as though she was incredibly sad, but she was trying very hard to cover it up. And she was beautiful – although her eyes were full of pain. Rick didn't usually go for complicated girls – he had money now, from the book, and the award. Although this signing wasn't busy, the earlier ones had – the book had been out for over 2 months now, and he was only here because it was a choice between that and going to see his mother in a play.

Kate handed him the book, nodding, and trying as hard as she could to smile. She didn't manage, but he appreciated the effort. "Is there anything particular you'd like me to write?"

The way he said it gave Kate confidence. "Surprise me," she said. This made him like her even more – there was a fun girl in there somewhere. He wondered what was wrong. He hid what he was writing from her, scribbling on the inside page. When he was done, he signed his name with flourish, closed the book, and handed it to her. He smiled, and she walked out of the shop. When she was out of sight, she opened the book to see what he had written, expecting something generic and meaningless. She gasped when she saw what he had written.

_Kate,_

_You are by far the most interesting person who has wanted me to sign their book. I hope you enjoy the ending. Also, you look like you could use a milkshake – strawberry, right? I know a place – if you're still outside the door in five minutes when I come out, let's sneak off and I'll take you._

_Love, _

_Rick._

She leaned against the wall. It couldn't hurt, could it? He was nice. She was messed up, and scared, and miserable, and part of her just wanted to run away and hide. But she couldn't do that for ever – and maybe he would be able to distract her with his talking like he had done with his writing. He had been right too – strawberry shakes were her favourite.

Rick opened the door, hoping she would be there but afraid that he had scared her off. When he saw her, he grinned again, and she managed a small smile back.

"I'm glad you waited."

"I'm glad you asked me to."

Rick's mind was always on mysteries – he wrote them for a living. But this girl was a mystery he didn't know the answer to. He smiled at her again, trying to glean some information from her face, but she didn't give much away.

"It's not far – would you like to walk?"

Kate nodded, and they walked side by side. The sun was shining, but Kate shivered involuntarily. Rick looked at her. "Are you okay? Maybe you're coming down with something?"

"No, I don't think so. I just feel cold sometimes."

Rick wished he had a jacket he could give her, but it was a warm day. There were goose bumps on her arms, and he looked around. They were walking past a clothes store.

"Hold on a second," he said, and nipped inside. He wondered how he could get her something – she wouldn't just accept a cardigan or something – he had the money, but he could tell she wasn't that kind of girl. He had a brainwave. He bought a zip-up hoodie in his own size – a batman one. He wanted one anyway. She was waiting for him outside the store.

"Sorry – I just remembered I wanted to get one of these." He held up the hoodie. "Would you mind carrying it for me?"

She laughed, and he shook it out, putting it on her. He was funny – and she felt much better wrapped up in the soft material. When he had put it on her, he had stroked her shoulders, and scooped her hair so it was outside. It had felt nice, having him touch her. Her dad wasn't a hug person, not now – she had always had her mother to hug her. In fact, she hadn't had a hug in three months. Which was crazy.

The hoodie was much too big – it was obvious that it was Rick's. Walking along with her, he noticed this, and liked the thought of people seeing that she was with him. They reached the little diner which in Rick's opinion, made the best milkshake in California. They sat down in a booth, and Rick asked her what she wanted. When she said a strawberry shake, he laughed in surprise.

"Seriously? I was just joking. You really like them?"

"Yeah – always have. I used to..." she trailed off. She had been about to say that she used to get them with her Mom on the weekends. They would go to a museum, or a gallery, or the park, and then they would go out for a milkshake afterwards. Her Mom was often very busy with work, but she had always made time for their Saturday thing – she might miss dinner every night of the week – but Saturday mornings had always been Kate's. This had stopped when Kate went to college, of course, but it had been a big part of her childhood.

Rick wisely didn't ask what she had been about to say. In his experience, women who trailed off when they were speaking didn't like to be pushed for information. They usually told you when they were ready, anyway.

He went and ordered two strawberry shakes, and a giant hot chocolate fudge brownie sharing dessert. When he brought it to the table, complete with two spoons, Kate looked at it, divided between terror, and mouth watering anticipation. She hadn't had much of an appetite in the last three months, and would never have thought of eating something like this – but it looked yummy. She remembered yesterday, and how bony she had looked. Rick handed her a spoon.

"I thought this might help to warm you up a bit," he said with another smile. Kate put her book beside her on the seat, and watched Rick take a big spoonful of brownie. She took a tiny piece on her spoon. It was delicious, and it went well with the milkshake. She began to relax a little, and started to ask him about becoming a writer. He had grown up in New York, and told her about being thrown out of a lot of different schools. Before she knew it, she was laughing her head off at his hilarious story about switching around the janitor's and Principal's offices.

When she laughed, she looked totally different. She was absolutely stunning – her eyes sparkled, she threw her head back, and let go of whatever it was that made her so sad. He wondered yet again what could have happened to her – she was so young, she seemed clever, and she was pretty. She should be loving life.


	3. Chapter 3

The brownie was finished, and as Kate took her last mouthful of milkshake, it was as though a spell had been broken. Suddenly she felt sick, and so sad. She felt like she'd betrayed her mother – going out, having fun with this guy that she hardly knew, when the milkshakes had been something special that was theirs. She took off the jumper, and handed it to Rick. She told him she had to go, and put $10 on the table. She started to leave the diner, but he followed her, dodging around people until he had caught up.

"Come on, you can't just leave – we were having a good time. What's wrong? Did I say something?"

"No – it's not you, it's-"

"It's not you, it's me? Clichéd as that is, I actually haven't ever heard it from a girl before. It's always me." He winked at her, and she laughed in spite of herself.

"See," he said gently, "I make you smile. And you look like you really need to. Come on, all I want to do is hang out with you."

Kate struggled internally. But she had too much to deal with. The old Kate would have been all over this cute, interested guy – but she just wasn't that Kate any more. And there was no way to go back.

"I'm sorry Rick. But I really do have to go."

"At least give me your number. Please."

Kate shook her head. She wanted to say yes, but it would be wrong to dump all her problems on him. He didn't need some miserable, bereaved student getting in his way. He was walking backwards in front of her, and she tried again to walk around him.

"At least give me a reason, Kate. Tell me how I can change your mind."

"You can't." She stopped, and looked into his eyes. "Look, I'm just going through a lot. Something awful happened, that changed my life, and I can't be myself any more. I think you're great. I wish I'd met you before, I wish this were before, I wish...But that's stupid, you see. My life is like hell right now, and there's nothing anyone can do about that. And it would be wrong to drag you into it, no matter how much I like you."

"But you do like me." She regretted telling him – it was like she'd accidentally thrown him a bone and he just wouldn't let go. Of everything she had said, it was the only thing he had picked up on.

"No. Yes. I don't know. But – I just can't, Rick. Thanks for taking me out. I want to go now."

They had reached the bus stop. She stopped. There was no bus there, so she had to wait. Rick raised an eyebrow at her.

"You don't have a very well thought out escape plan."

She couldn't help laughing. He smiled at her, and yet again she thought what a nice smile he had. He took her hand gently. His hands were so soft.

Rick looked into this girl's eyes. She was crying inside – all the time. He could feel the bones in her hand – she seemed so fragile, so easy to break. All he wanted to do was protect her.

"At least let me give you my number. For if you want somebody to talk to. I don't mind, really. I want to help you."

He handed her a business card with three numbers on it. "That's my place here, my place in New York, and my cell phone. Just call them all until you get hold of me – any time."

Kate put the card in her pocket. "Thanks. But I think you're better off without me."

"I think you're wrong. You're sad, Kate, but that doesn't stop you from being a great girl."

Kate still felt sick. And now she thought she was going to cry. She almost managed not to, but a couple of tears dribbled down her cheeks. Rick pulled her wordlessly into a hug, and she couldn't help but relax against him. He was warm and strong, and she felt safe in arms.

_What right do you have to feel safe?, _muttered an angry little voice in her head. She tried to ignore it, but she couldn't help picturing her mother again, lying in a pool of blood in that deserted alley. She knew it wasn't her fault – but she couldn't get past it. The killer was still out there. Her dad was going crazy back in New York. And she wasn't ready.

The bus arrived, and she pulled herself away from Rick. He told her again that she should call him, and wished there was something else he could do. Kate turned away from him and faced the road. She pulled her knees up and hugged them, folding herself up in the seat. She was so confused. She was so sad, and so angry, and so hurt – and he had made her feel okay. He had made her smile. But she didn't want to smile – the world was so cruel, so awful – how could she ever be happy again? Plus, she knew she was seriously messed up. She could think of nothing but the murder. She was paranoid, she was miserable, and no one deserved to look after her. She had to sort herself out – she was not going to be a burden – and Kate Beckett would not be some damsel that needed a knight in shining armour.

When she was back in her dorm, she had to rush to the bathroom. She threw up violently, the image of her lifeless mother stuck in her head. She felt drained. She sat there on the cold tiled floor, shaking like mad. She wondered how long she would go on like this. She pulled herself up, and brushed her teeth. She was still cold. She put on a sweater, and got Rick's book. She wanted to know what happened at the end.

When she had finished it, she curled up under her duvet and thought about the book. He really was a good writer. She thought about him again, how nice he had been, and how great it had felt when he held her. She pulled his card out of her pocket and put it on the night stand. She couldn't believe he really wanted her to call him – and she was sure, once he found out how messed up she was, he would back away as quickly as he could.

She closed her eyes. Before everything had gone wrong, she had had a few boyfriends – none of them had meant much to her. They had been like accessories – she couldn't get over how shallow she had been. Josh – he had been the most serious one. They had dated pretty much since she started college, but her mother had died at the beginning of the summer vacation, in June, and she hadn't called him. She found out he'd started dating some other girl, and she didn't blame him. She wouldn't want to date her right now either.

She eventually drifted off to sleep. She had a dream – she was with her mother, and they were going shopping, and then out to get milkshake. They were walking down the street, holding their strawberry shakes, then suddenly her Mom tripped backwards and spilled milkshake all over her. And then it wasn't milkshake any more, it was blood, and the shake Kate was sipping was blood too. Kate woke up covered in sweat, screaming. She was terrified in the dark room – she was sure there was someone else in there. She flicked on the light, and saw it was empty, but she was still scared. She checked in the closet and under the bed, feeling stupid, but not stupid enough to stop. She even made sure the window was locked. When she was certain she was alone, she sat down on the bed and tried to calm down. She wished there was someone there that she trusted – someone who could give her a hug and tell her everything was okay.

But when she had nightmares as a child, it had always been her mother who would hold her and comfort her. When she was worried, she would call her mother's cell. She thought about calling her Dad, but he would be sleeping. She thought about going to see if Anna was up, but Anna wouldn't know what to do. Anna knew about dresses, celebrities, and boys. She wasn't good on the emotional stuff if it went deeper than bitching about people she didn't like.

Kate hugged herself, and caught sight of Rick's card, sitting there beside her. She thought about calling him – he had said she could. But she knew she wouldn't. She wasn't his problem, and when he had said call him, she was pretty sure he had been thinking about a date, rather than calling him in the middle of the night because she was scared and didn't want to sleep in case she had another nightmare.


	4. Chapter 4

The next morning, Kate got out of bed for class, not having slept a wink since her nightmare.** She** had been thinking about the police officer that had told them about her mother. He hadn't been able to tell them anything. He said her mother's death had been random – which somehow seemed worse – Kate thought knowing why she had died might make it a little easier to accept. She grabbed some clothes and her towel, and was relieved to find the bathroom she shared with two other girls was not occupied. She took a quick shower, and dried her hair. She tried to dress nicely, but her heart wasn't in it. She did switch her chucks for her high heeled boots – she liked being tall. She put on a cardigan too – she was sick of shivering. She didn't bother with make-up – she didn't want anyone to be interested in her, anyway.

She grabbed her purse, and on impulse, slipped the card with Rick's number into it. She didn't know what made her do it – she just wanted to. She found the right books for her law class, and hoped there hadn't been any holiday assignments, because she hadn't done them.

She arrived a few minutes early, and her old friends came over to say hi. They were all rich kids, beautifully made up, well dressed, well educated, without a care in the world. Kate hardly knew them any more. She managed to smile and chat, but she was hugely relieved when the teacher called them into class.

He began to speak. There had been a holiday assignment – a 5000 word paper on something or other – but he looked at her sympathetically, and told her she shouldn't even think about writing it for a few weeks. She wished he had been mad at her – that would have been far easier to deal with.

She tried to pay attention to the class, but it was all just talk. Talk about rules, about punishing wrongdoers, about great people making great laws that protected Americans. Kate suddenly found that she wanted to do something. This place was so protected, it felt like a lie. She wanted justice for her mother, but it dawned on her that she was never going to get that sitting in this room, or writing essays.

She thought about Rick's book, about the detective in it. Detectives were the people who solved murders, not lawyers, or even chiefs of justice. She had chosen this path to be like her Mom, because she admired her so much. But catching her killer was more important – and she just couldn't make herself care about this class any more.

She sat quietly in the room, wondering what to do. Again, she wanted to call Rick. She decided to go for a walk. She bought herself a sandwich and ate it slowly, and after wandering around campus, she decided she wanted to go to the gym. She fetched some sweats and a tank top from her room, and went to the bus stop – she didn't fancy the campus gym, she wanted to be somewhere where people didn't know her. When she had arrived and changed, she went into the main area and looked around the room. She had hardly ever been in a proper gym – she had liked tennis before, and she was ashamed to admit that had been partly to do with the cute little dress. The punch bag was free, and she went to the desk to get some gloves.

She had never used a punch bag before. She hit it experimentally. It swung on its chain, then back towards her. She took a step back so it didn't hit her, and then hit it again, harder. It swung back harder too, which caught her a bit off guard, and it thumped into her stomach. She gave it a glare. Someone tapped her on the shoulder.

She looked around to see a muscular woman dressed in a gym t-shirt – a trainer, maybe?

"Hi – I'm Molly. I'm a trainer here – if you've paid entrance, it's free. What would you like to learn?"

Kate smiled gratefully – she had thought the gym was a bit expensive, but figured it was because they wanted you to join and pay monthly. But training included – that was cool. She thought about why she had gone for the bag.

"I think – I'd like to learn how to defend myself. And I'd like to get a bit stronger, too."

Molly smiled back. "Sure. Well, how about I show you some exercises you can do on your own – some of them you don't even need a bag. And then you can do some training with me, if you want. As to getting stronger, eat more, and work out for about an hour a day."

Kate liked her already. She agreed, and soon they were working. After they had trained for a while, Molly said she was a natural. She was proud that she wasn't as pathetic as she had thought. Molly had to go and work with someone else, and Kate decided to practise some of the drills with the bag. When you knew what to do, it felt a lot more productive.

After another half hour, someone else appeared wanting to use the bag, so she went to buy a water bottle. She liked the gym – it was peaceful. She could concentrate. She looked around – it was quite busy. There were some good looking guys there too. More because she thought she ought to be interested than because she actually was, Kate checked them out. The best looking one had just stopped using the weights, but he was side on to her, talking to someone, and she couldn't see his face. She drank the water. She was hungry again too. She wondered whether to just eat in the gym cafe, or wait and get something on campus, where she wouldn't have to pay.

She was still looking at the guy, watching the muscles on his chest dance around – he wasn't wearing a shirt. He started to turn in her direction, and she looked away hurriedly, blushing. He had seen her though, and he was coming over. She blushed even more, mortified – it was Rick! And he was grinning.

"Fancy meeting you here, Kate," he said. "And hey, don't worry about staring at me – I take it as a compliment. Although you should know," he put on a mock-injured tone, "I am a person, not a piece of meat."

She couldn't help laughing. He brought out something happy inside her, something real. Something she hadn't ever felt – even before her Mom had died - the warmth she felt inside when she was with him was completely new to her. Now that he was hear, she didn't want to be away from him. Even if they met up after, she didn't even want to go take a shower. She pictured herself asking him if he wanted to shower with her, and giggled. She couldn't get the image out of her head now, and he looked at her curiously.

"What's funny?" he asked.

She shook her head, and managed to stop laughing.

"Well, if I amuse you so much, you really should let me take you out to dinner."

Kate thought about it. Her whole body was screaming yes. She was confused. She was still sad – but maybe she could talk to him about being a detective. He might know something about it, since he wrote about it. And he made her feel so good...

"Okay."

"Okay?" Rick said in surprise. He had been sure she would take a lot more persuading. "Should I be worried at how much keener you are just because you've seen me with my shirt off?"

That got her laughing again, and he suggested they meet at reception.

"I'll see you there," he said, "after you go take a shower. A cold one."

She stuck her tongue out at him, and went to the women's changing room with a huge grin on her face.


	5. Chapter 5

When she was dressed again,after cursing the out of order hair dryer and braiding her hair instead, Kate walked slowly to reception, nervous because he might not be there, but even more nervous because he probably would be.

She saw him straight away. He looked nice. He was in jeans and a t-shirt, which Kate was very glad about, although she was jealous of his dry hair. His eyes lit up when he saw her, and she liked it that they did.

"Where d'you want to go?"

Kate wondered where to say. Before the summer, she had had a few favourite places to go on dates, but they were all Josh's favourite places too – and they were the places where the college kids went. In the end, she left the decision up to Rick, saying she didn't mind, but nothing too fancy.

They ended up going to a Chinese buffet, where you just got a plate, and you could have as much as you wanted of whatever you wanted. Kate had never been there before, but she got the feeling Rick was a regular – he pointed out some dishes and told her which were the best.

The food was delicious. If she hung out with Rick much more, she'd put that weight back on in a flash. She wondered why being around him made her hungry – and considered the possibility that he also made her hungry for something else.

Rick watched her eat – she ate slowly, but she was enjoying it. When he'd first seen her, she was so thin, he'd thought she must have an eating disorder, but he also knew that losing weight was a symptom of grief. He wondered if grief was the sadness that lurked behind her eyes, even when she laughed. They talked about a lot of things. She asked why he wrote about crimesolving.

"I'm not sure. That's just where I had the ideas. And people like you read them – so I'm pretty sure I'm writing the right kind of book."

"I read lots of different types of book – if it's well written, I usually enjoy it. But how do you know what the detective will do – like how all the police stuff works?"

"I read up on it. And I have a friend in the police – a guy I knew at school. I ask him if I'm really stuck."

Kate chewed another mouthful of spring roll, plucking up the courage to keep going. She swallowed. "Do you think it's a good profession – being a detective? In real life, I mean."

"Yeah – well, my friend likes it, anyway. He says there's too much paperwork, but it feels good to be doing something to help his city."

Rick saw the look in Kate's eyes. "You mean for you? I thought you were studying law."

"I am. I want to be the first female chief of justice."

But when she said it, it felt automatic. It wasn't true. She didn't want that any more. Rick caught that from her tone. He decided to just bite the bullet and ask her.

"Is it because of what happened that you want to be a cop?"

Kate wondered how he'd known. Then again, maybe it wasn't hard to tell something was wrong – a lot of her 'friends' had been giving her funny looks recently. She thought about his question.

"I don't know. Sort of – but mostly because my perspective has changed. I've realised that catching criminals is more important – that's the hard part, and there aren't enough people committed to doing it. I like finding things out, and I'm good at putting clues together, and seeing what makes people tick. I thought that would make me a good lawyer. But I don't want to be a lawyer any more."

She didn't tell Rick about what she'd thought of the detective on her Mom's case – content to write it off as random gang violence because he couldn't be bothered to investigate properly. Nor did she admit that she just couldn't face following in her mother's footsteps – it was what had got her killed, for one thing, but more importantly, her mother had a legacy, and the circles Kate would be in would be the ones her mother had been in. And if she got one more sympathetic look, she thought she might explode.

Rick watched Kate thinking – he couldn't tell what, emotions were flickering across her face too quickly. They had finished eating, and knew each other a lot better. They had even talked about exes. Kate had mentioned Josh, and how things had just fallen apart. Rick talked about Meredith – an actress he had had a passionate liaison with, which had ended two months ago – she had told him she was too busy making a movie, and he wasn't the right type of boyfriend for a film star. Rick hadn't minded much – she had been a lot to take. The main thing they took from the conversation was that they were both unattached.

They were still in the restaurant at closing – having ordered almost every soft drink available. Kate was under-age, and Rick was keeping her company. When they eventually got up to leave, Rick left a huge tip, and waved a cab for them both. Kate was very tired – she hadn't exercised, talked, or eaten so much for over three months. She leaned back in the seat, as the familiar sadness washed over her. She wished she could stay happy and relaxed, but she was beginning to get nervous even as she anticipated being alone in her room. She shivered, though it was warm in the cab. She felt Rick cautiously take her hand. She thought about pulling away, but it felt so good. It was as though his warmth and security was flowing into her. She wanted to be closer to him, but she knew that was a bad idea. She saw the road outside – they were only a minute away from campus now.

Suddenly, she began to cry. She tried desperately to stop herself, but Rick noticed, and pulled her into a hug. She gave in and relaxed against him, but she was still crying harder and harder. The cab pulled up outside her building, and Rick paid the guy and got out with her. She was too preoccupied and embarrassed to really take this in. She guided him to her room, and he carried their bags, and helped her inside. She felt really sick again. She wanted him to leave so she could go throw up – she had managed to stop crying.

Rick wondered what on earth had come over her. She had seemed fine – but now she was sobbing. He really wasn't sure what to do with crying girls – but he wasn't leaving until he was sure she was okay. She looked almost green – was she sick. She started to run out of the room, and he followed her to the bathroom. She tried to shut the door on him but he was having none of it. He held back her hair while she threw up into the toilet, then held her close to him, sitting on the cold tiled floor. She was crying gently again, and he reached up and handed her some tissue.

"I wish you hadn't seen that," she whispered. Her throat felt raw, and she wanted to brush her teeth. "But thanks. It's nice not to be alone."

"I've seen far worse, don't worry about it," he said truthfully – thinking back to his college party days. "And I'm here for you, Kate – always."

When she was feeling steady enough to get up, she sent Rick back to her room while she brushed her teeth and washed her face. When she went in, he was sitting on her bed reading the magazine that had been lying on it – incidentally, the magazine with an article about him in it. She was too tired to get embarrassed again, and just picked up her pyjamas and went back to the bathroom to put them on. Rick hadn't moved when she got back, so she flopped down beside him.

"I'm going to sleep now. Thanks so much – I'll be alright now. And I'll call you tomorrow."

Rick looked down at her. "I'm not going anywhere. You might get sick again."

"I won't. There's nothing left inside for me to get sick with – and this happened yesterday too – just too much food."

"This has happened before? Kate, you should go to a doctor. And I'm definitely staying. Look, nothing like that, I promise. I'll stay in the chair."

Kate thought about it. He made her feel so much better, and she was too tired to argue.

"Fine. But I have pepper spray under my pillow," she said, and closed her eyes. She felt him get up, and she snuggled into the bed. It was like having a cute, intelligent, unpaid body guard. Like a dog. She giggled, but kept her eyes closed so she didn't see his reaction. Soon after that she fell asleep.


	6. Chapter 6

Kate woke up screaming again. This time, she had been ice skating with her mother – it was something they had always done together. Although she was grown up, her mother lifted her and spun her round as they'd done when she was a child. She was flying through the air, and suddenly no one was holding her any more. She was flying above the scene. Her mother lay down on the ice, so they could see each other. Kate smiled, but the ice wasn't ice, it had melted, not to water, but to blood. Her mother's eyes were open, and she was still smiling, frozen in a lake of blood.

Kate desperately tried to shake the image from her mind, and was still doing this when she realised someone was holding her. Rick. She was covered in sweat, her face was tear-stained, and she was sure she'd been thrashing around. She wished he'd gone home – but another part of her was incredibly glad he was there, holding her.

"It's okay, Kate. It's okay – it was just a dream."

Kate wished that were true. In the first few hours, three months ago, she had been sure she would wake up at any moment, in a world that she understood. Sometimes she still hoped she would wake up. She leant against Rick, letting him hold her close and tight. When she had calmed down, he let her go, and looked into her eyes.

"What happened to you, Kate?"

Kate looked at him, and wondered what to say. She knew something about guys – they were very likely to run when confronted to early with huge emotional burdens. And she didn't want Rick to run. Then again, he'd seen her throw up, and he'd seen her scream and cry in her sleep, and he was still here, still asking. She stayed quiet.

"You can tell me. You can tell me anything, okay?"

Kate decided she had to tell him. She was an honest person, and letting him think she was okay, that things weren't as bad as they really were – would be dishonest.

"My Mom died. About three months ago."

Rick looked at her. He wondered what to say. The only thing he could think of was "I'm so sorry," but he wanted to say something meaningful. He took her hand, and hoped his expression told her what words could not. It did – and Kate knew she had to keep going.

"She was murdered. Stabbed, in an alley. They didn't catch him. We were supposed to meet for dinner. She was late. Dad and I joked about it – Johanna Beckett, always late for the family things but never late for work. We were laughing about her and she was already- she was..." Kate dissolved into tears again, and Rick just held her. He didn't tell her how sorry he was, or say how awful it must be – because he had no idea. He knew the scale of what she must be feeling was so far beyond any pain he had ever felt that it would be absurd to say something like, 'I can understand what you must be going through'. So he said nothing.

Kate noticed this. She had had to tell a lot of people, and he was the first one who hadn't said something that made her angry. She didn't want to break the silence, but it was 3am, and she had to go to sleep. She lay back down, and to her surprise, Rick lay down with her and held her close. If she had been less tired, she might have pushed him away, but she felt safe in his arms, and she just wanted to go to sleep.

Rick wished he could hold her with him, so she wouldn't dream again. He thought about what she had asked him, about becoming a detective. It made perfect sense – a clever, beautiful girl has her world turned upside-down, and decides to change her life, going on a quest for justice, not just for herself, but for everyone like her. People are unguarded when they sleep, and Rick had watched Kate scream in terror at the world – he hoped that it had been the dream that made her so scared and unhappy, but he knew it wasn't. He wondered what she was dreaming, though.

She was having another nightmare. He didn't know whether to wake her up. He watched her for a few more moments, and as pain crossed her face again, he decided he had to. He shook her, and called her name.

Kate had been running after her mother this time – she was running away, for a game, but it had gone on too long, and Kate was tired and her Mom was getting further and further away. She was sure something bad was going to happen-

And Rick was shaking her and calling her name, and it wasn't real, but he was, and he was warm and safe. She lay in shock for a minute, then smiled at him.

"Thanks. How did you know to wake me?"

"I saw the pain on your face." Rick wondered what to do about this girl. Leaving her alone seemed crazy – but he couldn't be with her all the time – and she had managed without him before now. He looked at her again and wondered if that was right. He'd had a chance to look at the pictures in the room – she was in them, but she was a different girl now. The old Kate had been very attractive, slim but not bony at all, outgoing, and perfectly presented. This Kate looked ill, scared, and alone – and she was wonderful, and fascinating, but he was so afraid for her. He had never cared about a girl so much in his life – not even Kyra – certainly not Meredith.

Kate looked at her clock. It was just after 4am, but she didn't want to go back to sleep. She suggested to Rick that he get some sleep, but he was having none of it.

"You don't want to sleep again, do you?"

"No," Kate admitted. "I hate the dreams. She's so real in them, and I watch the life drain out of her, over and over."

"I could talk to you, if you want."

"Talk to me?"

"Yeah – you know, what we did all evening yesterday. I'll tell you stupid things – take your mind off other stuff."

Kate paused. She thought it was a great idea from her point of view, but she could look after herself. She was going to have to be tough if she was ever going to get through this. It wasn't his problem, and they barely knew each other. And she didn't want to be supported by anyone. Just thinking about the decision she had to make made her feel desolate – but she had to do it. She was not weak – and she wasn't the only person who needed her to be strong. She thought about her father, suffering so far away – he had said he wanted her to go, but he didn't. She would call him in the morning. Later in the morning.

Rick was watching her. She forced herself to stick to the right thing to do – it would be much better for him, too.

"Thanks Rick. I would love that. But I think you have to go."

"No, it's okay, I want to stay."

"But I don't want you to. I have to do this on my own. I have to get through it on my own. No matter how nice it is, I can't rely on having you here to comfort me. And I'm getting used to it – which is wrong. I have to look after myself – and you have to think about your own life. It was wonderful to meet you, but-"

"Why does it sound like you're not just saying goodbye for today?"

Kate swallowed, she was not going to cry. "Because I'm not. I'm saying goodbye for ever."

_**This is not the end. Sorry it's so sad - it gets better, eventually :P**_


	7. Chapter 7

**_Just as a point of interest - I wrote this listening to 'In my Veins' on repeat. Love to all my readers, always. xox_**

"_Why does it sound like you're not just saying goodbye for today?"_

_Kate swallowed, she was not going to cry. "Because I'm not. I'm saying goodbye for ever."_

**3 months later – December, NYC**

Kate and Lanie had finished carrying in all the boxes, and were now relaxing with cups of coffee. Kate took off her high heeled boots and tucked her legs under her on the couch. They were both tired, and content to sit in companionable silence. Kate thought about the last three months, and how much had changed.

They were in the living room of her Dad's apartment. Lanie was a Med student – she and Kate had met two months ago, a month after Kate had moved to New York to go to the police academy. There had been a really awful party, and they had found each other, and clicked. Lanie had just moved in with them – her room-mate had owned their flat, and she wanted to move in with her boyfriend.

Once she had decided she wanted to join the NYPD, Kate had found the strength to sort her life out again. She trained at the gym every day. She started dressing up again – her mother had been a great believer in appearances, and looking good made her feel better. She practised for hours in front of the mirror, putting on the mask that fooled everyone she knew. She built up a wall around her heart, and since crying in front of Rick that night, she had not cried a single tear. She wore stiletto heels because her instinct was to cower and hide, and she wanted to fight it.

She said what she thought, she was honest, and she did what had to be done. She moved back in with her father to look after him – she cleaned the apartment, and called his work to explain why he hadn't been going. She talked to him, and comforted him. One day she found the watch her mother had given him on their anniversary under the couch, with its face broken. She had it fixed, and put it in her keepsake box. Her mother's ring, which had been in there since the funeral, now hung on a chain around her neck, to remind her who she was – who she had to be.

The first two months had been pretty bad, but she had been so busy, they had gone by quite quickly. Her father had even suggested going to AA – she knew she couldn't push him to it, but she was very relieved – cleaning up after a depressed drunk who barely even resembled who they were supposed to be had a way of dragging you down.

She had packed up her mothers clothes and sent them to goodwill – as she told herself over and over, they were just clothes, and they were of no use to her. She had done it alone – but that was good. If the first month in New York had taught her anything it was that she could find the strength in herself to do almost anything – she needed no one.

She still had nightmares, and still woke up shaking and screaming almost every night – but that had just become a part of life. She read a lot, and drank a lot of coffee. She loved the academy, and in three months she was already a rising star. She had even met someone – Will. He was smart, and sweet, and she liked having someone to hold her. She could even talk to him about her mother.

Lanie finished her coffee, and smiled at her friend. Kate was lost in thought – as she often was. Lanie didn't blame her – that girl had been through a lot. Kate snapped back into the present, and smiled back at her friend.

"Will's coming to get you in a minute, isn't he?"

Kate glanced at the clock. "Yeah. But I don't have to go – if you want me to help you unpack?"

"Oh you go on – unpacking is a one man job – I want to know where everything is."

Kate laughed. But it didn't reach her eyes. As if on cue, Will knocked on the door. She opened it, and kissed him. She felt something, but she sometimes thought that it was her determination to feel something, rather than actually wanting this with him. She liked him, anyway.

They said goodbye to Lanie, who waved them off cheerfully, though she was worried about her friend. They were going ice skating at the park, and although it was cold, Kate wanted to walk. They looked absent-mindedly into shop windows, and then she saw him. She stopped, and let Will walk ahead, staring at him. It was his face, on a poster, and now she was looking at it, there was a line of people stretching right down the street. She hadn't registered them before – but he had written a new book. Deadly Storm, the poster said. She called Will, and said she wanted to get a copy. He looked at her, confused, but she told him to go home, and she would call him later. Men usually did what she told them, and he left. She took her place in the queue, and stuffed her hands into her jacket pockets – this was going to be a long wait.

Fifteen minutes later, she wondered why she was doing this. She really didn't know – except it was the first thing she had actually wanted to do since she came to New York. She wondered what he would say – if he would even recognise her. She knew she was different from the scared, frail girl she had been in those couple of days – at least, she was different on the outside.

Rick went through the motions, signing book after book, smiling at girl after girl, but all he could think about was a very different book signing – the one where he had met the biggest mystery of his life, and that had been followed by the most meaningful couple of days he had ever experienced. He thought he understood why she had pushed him away – but he had kept thinking that she would call, that she would give him something. There had been something between them, and he knew she had felt it just as much as he had.

He wrote yet another flirty message, and wished he could just go home. He had a lot to worry about. He had had a call from Meredith three months ago as well, and the reason for that call was going to have a lot of implications. He smiled up again.

"Hi. Who should I make it out to?"

"Kate. You can make it out to Kate."

He gaped at her, realising who it was. Then he wordlessly signed his name in the book. She thanked him, and walked away from his little table. She was one of the last. Instead of leaving, she waited behind a bookshelf, for everyone else to be gone. Then she walked towards him.

"How are you, Kate?"

"Better, I think."

"You look better."

"I started at the police academy. You have to be fit for that."

"That's not what I meant."

"You've been busy – writing another book."

"Yeah. I didn't have much else to do. So I came here. I like New York in winter."

"Me too."

"Is the police academy good?"

"Yeah. It's hard work, but that's good too."

The tension between them was so strong you could almost see the sparks fizzing between their bodies. Kate hadn't even felt so alive.

All Rick could think about was that he wanted to hold her, to kiss her, to stop resisting the pull that was so obviously between them. Kate's thoughts were similarly occupied. She thought about kissing Will, and how meaningless it was. She imagined kissing Rick, and every cell in her body stood to attention.

"Listen," Rick began. "D'you want to go get a coffee with me?"

Kate stared at him. "No."

He looked at her. It wasn't a 'No, I don't like you,' no, it was just a no to coffee. "Well, what do you want?"

Kate stepped closer to him – in her heels, her eyes were almost level with his. She looked up into them. "You. I just want you." She brought her mouth to his, and kissed him for all she was worth. And it felt amazing. He kissed her back, and he felt it too. They didn't love each other – they didn't know each other. They just needed each other.


	8. Chapter 8

_**Instead of leaving, she waited behind a bookshelf, for everyone else to be gone. She closed her eyes and imagined what she would do – what she desperately wanted to do. But then she thought about Will, and how it would be wrong – it's still cheating even if you only love one person. And anyway, she didn't even love Rick – she barely knew him. But the story grew in her mind – what he would do, what they would say – and then she was imagining kissing him, and how different it would feel. Lanie had said when you kissed someone you loved, you felt a whole new kind of alive – it was impossible to describe – but when you felt it, you suddenly knew what everybody had been on about.**_

Her mother had said you knew you were in love when all the songs made sense. Nothing made sense to Kate. She wanted to stay. She wanted to believe that her dreams would come true – that things would turn out exactly how she imagined them. But she knew life, and specifically her life, didn't work like that. She slipped out of the bookshop, hoping he would just forget about her, and texted Will, telling him to meet her at their favourite coffee shop in an hour. As she walked, she thought several times about turning back – and twice she turned around, thinking he was behind her. She wanted him to run out of the shop after her, and tell her not to go.

But this was real life. He was tied up with signing books, and he probably hadn't even recognised her. The book was in her purse – she hadn't even read it. She arrived at the coffee shop early, but Will was already there. He hugged her, and handed her a paper bag – in it was a doughnut, with white icing and multicoloured sprinkles. She split it with him, and they stood outside. He knew something was wrong – he didn't ask though. That was one of the reasons she liked him – he always gave her space.

They went in and ordered, then sat down at the window, looking out at the chilly street. Kate pressed her fingers against her mug, letting the warmth seep into them, and stared at the dark liquid, summoning up the courage to say what she should have said the first time she kissed him, and felt nothing.

They were talking about Rick – Will had heard of him, but didn't like murder books. They were training to be real investigators – and that was all fiction. Kate didn't argue – although she disagreed. She found them fascinating – and anyway, she was preoccupied, working out how to phrase what she had to say to him.

"Will," she began awkwardly, "I've been thinking. Please hear me out," she said, as he began to interrupt her. "We're great friends, and we have a good time. But to say we have more than that – we're just kidding ourselves. There's no spark, Will. And I don't want to hurt you, but I just don't feel that way about you. Maybe I can't feel that way about anyone right now."

Will stared at her. The silence was huge. She wanted to run out of there, but she owed it to him to stay. She felt terrible – he was a lovely guy. And then he smiled. He put his hand over hers.

"Okay, Katie. We don't have to go out. I can wait for you – I'll wait as long as you need. I'll be your friend. And when you're ready, you'll see that we're meant to be together."

She wanted to hit him. Or herself. She took a deep breath. "No. We're not. We're meant to be friends – and I don't see us ever being anything more than that. It just isn't working for me. And I'm so sorry for leading you on but-"

The hurt was creeping into his face now. "Don't be. I pushed you – it's my fault." He began to get up to leave. He was almost crying. Kate grabbed his hand, and made him look at her.

"No! It's not your fault. It's mine. I'm damaged goods, Will – and you're better off without me."

"Fine. I'm leaving. And let's not be friends. I like you Kate – I was falling in love with you. But I don't think I could cope with that. But you should know – everybody's damaged goods."

And with that, he marched out of the door. Kate slumped down in her chair. Now she was mad. People were staring, and he had been so unfair. He acted like everything that made her life so awful, so painful, and so difficult, was no different from what some people coped with every day. She felt as though he was accusing her of intentionally not getting over it. But 6 months ago her mother had been brutally murdered – how was a person supposed to behave normally after that?

She got up, picked up her bag, and walked home. Her father was out – perched on a stool at some seedy bar where no one would recognise him. She hoped they would call him a cab. Lanie wasn't there either – she had left a note though:

_"__Finished unpacking, gone out to buy dinner. Don't start cooking – I'm doing it. L."_

Kate smiled. Lanie was a great cook. There hadn't been much time for cooking when Kate was growing up – they had eaten out, or ordered in, or her dad had cooked – but she hadn't been interested in learning. She mostly ordered in – at college she had eaten in the cafeteria. But since she had met Lanie, she had been treated to many a home-cooked meal at Lanie's place. She wondered if Lanie would teach her how to cook, too.

She looked around. Usually she liked being alone, but now the apartment felt big and empty. She missed her mom. When she had been a teenager, and she had had a relationship problem, Johanna had always known just the right thing to say – she had given such good advice.

Kate went to her room, dumped her bag on the floor, sat down on the bed, and cried. She felt awful about Will – she had hurt him, and she would miss him. She thought she had been stupid – she had broken up with a great guy because she had a little crush on a famous writer who had a reputation for being a badboy womaniser, and probably didn't even remember who she was. After about five minutes of sobbing, she decided she had to do something. She went to the bathroom to wash her face, then fished the book out of her bag.

It felt nice in her hands – the paper cover was shiny and smooth. She opened it to look at his signature – but what she found was something very different.

_"__You look better. I hope you feel it. I thought you would call me, and when you didn't, I thought you wanted to forget. So why are you here?"_

There was also a number. He hadn't written 'call me', or even 'this is my number, if you need it'. It was just there. She blinked a couple of times, making sure that she wasn't letting her desperate imagination run away with her. Then she sighed, and closed the book. She could have run back into the shop, but she had decided not to. She had treated him badly already, and Will as well. And even Josh. She was damaged goods – she wasn't about to mess with another guy. It wouldn't be fair.

She heard the front door. Lanie was back. She pasted a smile on her face, took a deep breath, and went to help her friend make dinner.


	9. Chapter 9

As they cooked, she debated internally about whether to tell her friend about Rick. She couldn't get him out of her head – she just wanted to talk to him, even – to feel the comfort and safety that he gave her when they were together. And giving her the number was permission – and he wouldn't have given it to her if he hadn't wanted her to call. Lanie noticed how preoccupied her friend was, but she decided not to push her – anyway, Kate Beckett was often preoccupied.

After dinner, and clearing up, Kate found herself back in her room, reading the message from Rick again. He'd asked why she had gone in – and she really didn't know. She thought about what she had imagined – was that what she wanted from him? She just couldn't tell. She was lonely and afraid, and he made those feelings go away. Her whole life was about finding the truth – about progressing in her career as a cop until she was a homicide detective and could investigate her mother's murder. But Rick made her feel like there was more to it – he was something that could be her own.

Twice she picked up the phone, her fingers hovering over the buttons, so close to dialling. But she forced herself not to. She was okay. She got ready for bed, and fell asleep quickly. As usual, she had a dream – but this one was different. She was sitting in her apartment, in the living room, but Rick was there, not her mother. They were talking, he was being his usual funny self. Then they both got up, and met, standing, in the middle of the room. And he kissed her. It felt wonderful. And then they were lying together on the floor – and suddenly he stopped moving. Her hands were wet with blood. She looked at him properly, and saw that his eyes were cold and lifeless. She was lying in a pool of his blood. She screamed- and woke up, shaking, shivering, tangled up in the bedsheets.

And she could think of only one thing – making sure he was okay. It was 3am. She didn't care. She dialled the number, and listened to the phone ringing at the other end. He answered, groggily, on the seventeenth ring.

"Wha..." he mumbled.

"Sorry. I'm so sorry to call you now but-"

"Wait," he said, sounding much more awake. "Is that Kate?"

"Yeah. Look, I just wanted to make sure you're okay."

"Uh, yeah, I'm fine. Why wouldn't I be?" He sounded confused. Which was understandable.

"Oh, good," she said. Rick could hear the relief in her voice, and wondered what on earth was going on. "I just had a dream," she said, "but it's fine now. I'll let you go back to sleep."

"No, wait – don't go. You had a dream? You're still having them?"

"Yeah. But it's okay – you get used to it," she lied. He didn't buy it.

"You shouldn't. Did you see someone, or..."

Kate had actually been to a couple of sessions with a psychologist – but she had hated them. She had found the woman irritating and stupid, and she would never give straight answers. She read way too much into some things, but ignored the things Kate was most worried about. Kate had decided it wasn't worth the money. But she didn't want to tell Rick – she thought he might be disappointed, that she hadn't stuck with it. She also knew that he was much better for her head than any shrink – she could feel herself relaxing, even at the sound of his voice.

Rick listened to her silence. He could hear her breathing, so he knew she was still there. All he wanted was to see her, to hold her and tell her everything was going to be all right. He had heard the fear in her voice when he answered the phone, and he couldn't bear to think of her alone.

Kate wondered what to say. She didn't want to hang up, but she knew if she stayed on the line much longer, she'd ask him to come over. And she had already decided, more than once, that it wouldn't be fair. She wasn't alone, anyway. Lanie was in her new room on the other side of the apartment, and she could hear her father, snoring, probably passed out on a chair in the living room. She would have to clean him up in the morning. She looked around the room that was still a shrine to her high school years – posters, photos, certificates...and she wanted to get out. Everything reminded her of her mother. She felt the chain around her neck, which held her mother's ring at her heart, every minute of every day. And she knew she had to get out.

"Can you meet me somewhere?" she asked Rick. He was surprised. It was the middle of the night.

"Do you want to come here?" He thought it was safest. It was cold and dark outside, and he wanted her somewhere where he could make her a cup of coffee and not be worrying about murderers lurking in dark alleys.

Kate wondered what to say. The honest answer was yes. She remembered her mother's insistence that the truth was always the right thing, no matter what. Vincit Omnia Veritas – truth conquers all – it was even on her gravestone. So she told the truth. Rick said he would come and get her, and take her back to his place. He had a car – she didn't, so she agreed.

She put on a sweater over the leggings and t-shirt that she slept in, and found some sneakers, slipping them on over her bare feet. She wrote a note to Lanie – saying that she had gone to a friend's, and she would be back in the morning. She wiped her sleeping father's face, pulled off his shoes, and settled him on the couch, covering him with a blanket. Then she went outside to wait for Rick.

Rick drove as fast as he could without breaking any rules, and reached the address Kate had given him in a little under 30 minutes. She was waiting for him, and she got into the car. She looked terrible – but in a beautiful way. She looked sad, drained, and lost – but she was still stunning. He reached out and put his hand on her knee as he drove. She liked it – his hand was warm, and it felt protective. It wasn't that she couldn't protect herself – but him being there made her feel like she didn't have to.

They reached his building and he led her upstairs – she was quite curious about where he lived. His apartment turned out to be large, modern, and surprisingly tidy and clean. She accepted the coffee he offered, and sat down on the big couch, sinking into the cushions and wondering what the hell she was doing.


	10. Chapter 10

Rick looked at Kate. She had put on weight – not much, but she looked healthier, and stronger. Her expression was stronger too – she looked a lot less afraid – still sad, but not nearly so timid. And she had a much better colour – three months ago she had been deathly pale and sick looking – now she was a little more tanned, and although tired, she looked well. Also – there was just something more about her appearance. He had thought she was beautiful when he had first seen her – but now she was much better presented. Her hair was dyed properly, and her eyebrows were neat – it wasn't that these things had bothered him before – he hadn't even noticed until he was seeing the difference. But she definitely had the air of someone who took care of her looks – which she hadn't had before.

Kate knew Rick was looking at her. She wondered what he was thinking. His face didn't give much away – maybe he played poker. She sipped her coffee, and he came to sit on the coffee table, opposite her.

"So, Kate. How've you been?"

"I've been okay, thanks. You?"

"Busy. Writing. My agent makes me do all kinds of stuff – going to parties, meeting people, signing books...It's not that interesting, but it fills up my days nicely."

Kate smiled. "It doesn't sound like you much like being told what to do."

Rick laughed. "You're right – I don't. I'm terrible at following orders." He paused, absorbing the smile that suited her so well, but didn't meet her eyes.

"Why did you call me, Kate?"

Kate thought about it. Honestly, she didn't know. Except that she had wanted to see him, and she had been so scared. Again, she opted for honesty.

"I don't want to be a burden to anyone. I don't want pity, I don't want a helping hand. But you make me feel good. You feel like a friend, and when I'm with you, I feel the best I've felt in 6 months. I feel so selfish for being here – but I can't seem to stay away."

"You shouldn't feel selfish," Rick said with a smile. "You make me feel good too. I feel selfish for wanting you around – but you make me feel like life means something, that it's not just about fame and girls wanting me to sign their chests-"

Kate couldn't help gaping at him. "People want you to do that?"

She instantly felt bad, and stupidly innocent. She blushed. Rick was handsome, there was no doubt about it. And he was famous – she shouldn't have been so surprised.

"What can I say?" he smiled at her, and she felt better. She drank some more coffee, and wished she could stay with him forever. He did the same, wishing exactly the same thing.

Kate wondered if she needed to explain why she called Rick in the middle of the night – but he had stayed with her at night before, and she thought he had a pretty good idea. When they had finished the coffee, he took their mugs and put them in the sink, and when he came back, he sat down beside her. He put his arm round her instinctively, and she liked the way it felt. She closed her eyes, but shook herself more awake. He looked at her questioningly.

"I don't want to sleep. Here I feel safe – but when I'm asleep, I can't keep my guard up."

Rick wondered what to say. She should sleep – it was bad for her not to. But he had seen her at night, he had seen her dreaming, and he had seen the terror in her eyes. He couldn't let that happen to her again.

"Well, I can keep you awake, if you like. What d'you want to do?"

Kate thought about it. "Please. But I don't know...I've never had that offer before."

Rick grinned, and got up off the couch. He pulled her off it too.

"Right. I have a lot to teach you, I think." He caught her eye with that mischievous look which always caught her interest. "First, we're going to play acid floor – that's where you have to get all over the apartment, without ever touching the floor with any part of your body..."

They started to play. Kate was a bit self conscious at first – but Rick's childishness was infectious, and soon she was into it. Then Rick found a chess board, and she beat him in 37 minutes – he winked and said he had let her win. They made hot chocolate, complete with whipped cream and marshmallows – and he introduced her to eating cream squirted straight from the can into her mouth – she was ashamed to admit she liked it. They arm wrestled – he won, but it was a close thing, and when they tried with their left hands, they had to call it a tie.

Whenever he saw her yawn, Rick thought up something else to do. They made it to 6am. She was lying on the couch, smiling, but she knew that she wouldn't be able to resist sleep for much longer. She didn't have class until 2pm, but she could feel her eyelids drooping. Rick was very tired himself, and he could see her drifting off to sleep.

"I'll be right here," he whispered, stroking her hair. She mumbled that he didn't have to watch her, that she would be alright – but he didn't hear – or at least, he pretended not to. When she was actually sleeping, he fetched a blanket and covered her with it. She was right - when she was asleep, she couldn't keep her guard up. He could see the pain and fear on her face, and she moved agitatedly in her sleep. He sat on the armchair that faced the couch, and closed his eyes, just to rest them.

He was woken by her screaming, two and a half hours later. He scrambled up, and put his arms around her. Tears were pouring down her cheeks, and when she became aware of him holding her, she grabbed on to him as if he were the only thing keeping her from a terrible fate. He brushed her tangled hair out of her face, and she wiped away her tears. She looked at him. He was here, he was holding her, it had just been a dream. Unable to stop herself, she leaned towards him and kissed him, gently, on the lips. He kissed back, bemused, but after a moment she pulled away, clamping her hand over her mouth.

"I can't, Rick. I'm so sorry I just did that."

"It's okay – don't worry about it." He smiled at her, his eyes full of understanding. "It was a reflex. You'd been dreaming, then you were relieved. It's fine. I won't read anything into it, I promise."

Kate wondered how she had found such a good friend. She excused herself to go to the bathroom, and splashed cold water on her face. At least she wasn't sick. When she came out, Rick was washing up the mugs in the kitchen. She smiled cautiously at him, and he smiled back. Kate found her sneakers, and slid them on.

"I think I'm going to go home now. Thanks so much for everything last night."

"No problem. I'll give you a lift. And don't...Don't let what just happened stop you from hanging out with me, okay? You can call whenever you need me – and even if you don't. I'm here for you – and I can just forget that, if that's what you want."

Kate paused, and took in what he had said. "Yes – I think that would be best. And I will call...Anyway," she attempted a joky tone, "you know where I live now – I couldn't drop you, even if I wanted to."

Rick dried his hands, and told her she was right. He drove her home, and by the time she was getting out of the car at her place, the atmosphere between them had gone back to relaxed and friendly. She thanked him again, and went upstairs – to be confronted by a very curious Lanie.


	11. Chapter 11

_**Sorry, I know I said it would be sooner but I was tied up all day...Anyway, to make up for it, it's extra long =) I hope you like it, please review. xox**_

"Where have you been, girl? And who is that dashing young man who just dropped you off – from that flashy red Ferrari?"

Kate walked wordlessly through the apartment, in search of coffee, with Lanie close on her tail. When she had a mug of it cradled safely in her hands, she looked at her friend, and sighed inwardly. It wasn't that she didn't trust Lanie, or even that she wanted to hide how she felt about Rick – it was more that it was hard enough to explain to herself, let alone try to put it into words that would make sense to somebody else.

They sat in the living room – her father was no longer there – he must have woken up and found his way to bed. Kate made her way through the story somehow – although she left out kissing him. For some reason, that was just too private. She wondered whether it would be a good idea to talk about it, to help herself work out how she really felt – but she just couldn't say it.

Lanie had a class before she did, so when she had left, Kate went to check on her father. Sure enough, he was in his room. He was still dressed, collapsed on top of the covers, and there was a pool of vomit on the floor beside him. After checking he was okay, she went to fetch a bucket – which was becoming almost a morning routine. She cleaned up, and scrubbed the floor with bleach. He didn't stir. When the floor was clean, she opened the window letting in the cold winter air, and went to the kitchen to make some fresh coffee. When it was ready, she gently woke up her dad, and when he was relatively responsive, she sat him at the table and gave him the coffee, water, and aspirin that had turned into his breakfast.

Just as he always did, he looked at her with an apology in his eyes – but he was still so overcome with grief, she had forgiven him instantly anyway. She just hoped he would be okay one day – and also that he would want to be. Maybe he was to old to fight, or maybe he just didn't have the fighting spirit she had – but he didn't seem to want to get over his wife's death. She hoped he would change his mind one day – and until then, she would look after him however she could.

By the time she had sorted her father out for the day, it was very nearly time for her to go to class. She had a quick shower, gulped down a coffee of her own, dragged on some clothes, slapped on some make up, grabbed her books and hurried out of the apartment. She liked the police academy - people were more equal, and it was much more varied, and also more down to earth. She liked learning about how to be a cop – and it wouldn't be long before she actually was one. She would progress, and was taking courses so she could become a detective as soon as possible – but everyone had to be a lowly uniform to start with. She liked that too – everyone started out the same, and things like money didn't determine who shone.

She was afraid that she would bump into Will, but although she saw him, he didn't see her. She was very relieved – but it didn't last. As she walked outside, snuggling inside her jacket, someone tapped her on the shoulder. She turned, groaning inside. He had seen her.

"Kate."

"Hey, Will."

If she hadn't felt so bad, she would just have walked away, but she felt she somehow owed it to him to talk.

"Look, Kate, I was thinking, all night, and...We're so good together. We have a great thing – and the only reason I can see that would make you throw it away is that there's someone else. So who is he, Kate?"

When she didn't answer, he carried on speaking.

"Because I think it's crap, what you said. Being 'damaged goods' is no excuse – you have to live your life in the present, not the past. And no spark – that's just not true. The way you kiss me – there is something there, something brilliant. All you said – it's just what people say when they really mean there's someone else. There is, isn't there?"

He glared at her, and she faced him squarely – she wasn't easily intimidated, although she did feel awful.

"No. There is no one else. Not like that."

"Not like that – but like something! Who? And like what?"

"I don't know! He's just a friend, he's nothing to do with this – and anyway, I have the right to decide. I do not love you Will – you're just going to have to deal with it. You are going to make some girl so happy, someday soon, but she isn't me."

"Who is this guy?"

"A friend. You wouldn't know him anyway."

"Well tell him I said good luck – especially, good luck with the girl who shudders when you try to touch her up even when you've been going out for damn near three months!"

This remark floored her. Was it true? Yes, but... She couldn't explain it. She just didn't feel comfortable with it – since her mother died, she hadn't really felt the urge to be intimate with anyone. _Anyone except Rick..._ whispered a little voice in her head. She silenced it, and forced herself to be strong.

"If you feel that way, you should be glad to be rid of me," she muttered through gritted teeth. Then she began striding down the street – something she accomplished remarkably well, if you factored in her four inch heels and the icy pavement. He followed her though.

"Look, Katie, I'm sorry. I didn't mean it, I'm just mad. I need you – I love you! Please just tell me who it is, and I'll show you, I'm better than him. He can't love you like I do."

Kate sighed. She wanted to get on the subway, go home, and get another cup of coffee. She felt bad about Will, but there was nothing she could do – and since he had hit her where she was most sensitive, she felt a lot less guilty. She kept walking, and eventually, he stopped following.

She managed to keep herself together for the whole subway ride, and even when she was walking through the apartment, smiling at Lanie and her father, who were watching TV. But when she got to her room, she sank to the floor, curled up in a ball, and sobbed. She really was seriously messed up. The only shred of hope she had for herself was Rick – but she couldn't feel that way about him. She hardly knew him. Well – that was a lie – they had talked so much in the little time they had spent together that she felt as though she knew him back to front. But relationships take time. And she just wanted to feel like she knew him. She wondered if he was busy – she wanted to call him.

She wondered if she could. She was so shaken after Will – it was almost as if she wanted to prove to herself that what he said, and what he had implied, wasn't true. She felt ashamed of her inexperience, and her fear. And for the first time in six months, she wanted to feel a man's hands on her body. When she had stopped crying, she got up and sat on the bed, and stared at the phone. She could call him. She knew enough to be pretty sure she had been getting the right signals from him. She thought about what she had imagined at the bookshop – and then what she had told him to forget about. She replayed it – his soft lips on hers, gentle yet sure, exciting yet safe. And she wanted him.

She forced him out of her head. She had broken up with Will just over 24 hours ago – and in his head, she wasn't sure if he'd even accepted that they had broken up. She had to wait, anyway, until she wasn't so emotional. She saw Rick's book sitting on her nightstand, and decided that would be a good compromise.

100 pages in, and she wasn't sure that reading it had been such a good idea. Rick was a very descriptive writer, and she could see a lot of him in Derrick storm. And as well as solving a murder, Derrick was very interested in a girl – who was tall and slender, with dark hair. Rick didn't seem to believe in leaving much to the imagination when it came to love scenes – and Kate couldn't help picturing Cassidy and Derrick as herself and Rick.

She slammed the book down, and stared at the ceiling. This was not good. She went through to the kitchen where Lanie was just unpacking some chinese take out.

"I was about to call you for dinner. Wow Kate, you look, uh, frustrated."

Kate tried to rearrange her face. "Oh, sorry, I was just thinking. Do I owe you something for the food?"

"No – your dad wanted to treat us. He's gone out."

"Okay," Kate said, again shoving the image of Rick wearing nothing but motorcycle boots forcefully from her mind.

To her relief, Lanie didn't grill her further while they ate, and after chatting a little about their days, Kate was free to go back to her room. The book was still on her bed. She put it in her underwear drawer, and started putting on her pyjamas. She lay in bed, wide awake, for about 20 minutes, before she gave up and got up and dressed again. Before she could change her mind, she dialled Rick's number, and waited impatiently for him to answer. After 15 rings, it went to the machine. She put the phone down, and cursed under her breath. And then out loud. She dialled again, hoping he had just been in the bathroom or something. When she heard the damn beep again, before she could stop herself, she began to speak and leave a message.

_Hey Rick, it's Kate. I was just thinking about you and...I started your book, it's great. And I was worried, and I wanted to see you, but you didn't answer..I'm sorry, I'm terrible at leaving phone messages. Maybe we can do something tomorrow? Uh, okay. So, uhm, call me back. Please. Okay, talk to you soon, bye._

She wished she could listen, to see if it sounded as bad as it had when she replayed it in her head. It was probably worse. She sighed again, and fished the book out of the drawer. At least it would be something to do...


	12. Chapter 12

**_Shorter chapter, but I just got back from my week away today and although I was desperate to write something, I am also absolutely shattered...So, enjoy. There will be more soon. _**

She was almost at the end of the book by the time he called back. The other three quarters of it were just as exciting as the beginning had been, and she was kind of annoyed when the phone rang – she was sure she knew who the killer was, and it was about to be revealed. She answered it, speaking quietly because she had heard her father come in about an hour ago, and she didn't want to disturb him or Lanie. Not that much would.

"Kate? You there? I can hardly hear you."

She spoke a fraction louder. "Yeah, I'm here. Sorry about the message-"

"Don't be. It was just what I needed – my agent made me go to a terrible party, and I only managed to sneak out half an hour ago. Were you sleeping? I'm so sorry if I woke you."

"No – actually, I was just getting to the end of your book. I really love it."

"Do you always read until 3am? Or is my book special?" He sounded really excited that she was reading it.

"Not always. But often. Are you tired?"

"Not at all. But I should let you finish the book. I bet you think you know who it was, don't you? And I bet, little detective that you are, you're desperate to know if you're right."

She laughed. "You got me there."

"Okay. I have a proposition for you – how about, you finish the book, and in about half an hour I'll come get you and we can go to an all night coffee shop – really, it's the best – and you can tell me what you think of my ending."

Rick was almost holding his breath as he waited for an answer. He had taken a huge gamble – but his instinct told him he hadn't imagined what he had heard in the tone of her message – and he just had a feeling she would say yes. He blamed his spidey senses – but they had never failed him before.

"Okay," Kate answered, trying not to over think it. She wanted to see him, she thought coffee was a great idea, she hated sleeping anyway, and she thought it would be really fun to talk to him about his book.

45 minutes later, they were sitting together in the coffee shop. Kate had changed – she was wearing high heeled brown boots, skinny jeans, a tight white turtle-neck sweater, her thick but pretty winter jacket, and probably far too much make up – but she hadn't felt like dressing up in so long, she wanted to make the most of the feeling. She had even put on matching underwear.

They sat side by side in the booth – it was so cold, it had just made sense – and cradled large porcelain mugs of steaming black coffee. They discussed the book – Kate had been right, and Rick teased her, saying she must have cheated. She hadn't guessed all of his twists though – but she argued this was because they were completely unrealistic.

At 5am, they were still deep in conversation. They had moved on to other books, and then TV, then the news, and morality of reporting the news, then philosophy and morals in general. Rick found talking to Kate was so refreshing – although she had some strong beliefs, which were not the same as his own, she didn't mind at all explaining them, and seemed to enjoy discussing them with someone who didn't agree with her. She wasn't at all offended when he said something that wasn't what she thought – and he found himself almost persuaded, many of her opinions were so well thought out.

When the topic lightened, Rick wished he could make her laugh so her eyes would sparkle like he was sure they could. She smiled, and she even did laugh, but it was just her mouth moving. Her eyes kept the forlorn, unhappy look which had been in them every time he had seen her. She was wearing a fair bit of make up, but it didn't completely hide the dark shadows under her eyes. He was worried that she still wasn't sleeping – was grief supposed to last that long so strongly?

Without thinking, he slid his hand over hers. She jolted in surprise, but didn't pull away. He cautiously moved his fingers around hers, and she shuffled closer to him, leaning on his shoulder.

"You need to sleep, Katie," he said gently. He rearranged – she was on his right – so she was holding his left hand, and he put his right arm around her, stroking her back. She knew she should push him away – or at least, there was a voice in her head telling her it wasn't right for her to enjoy this. But in his arms, she felt safe. It was different from him holding her after a dream – that had been sort of necessary, and she had been terrified and sick. This was just... nice. She could feel his pulse, and his hand was warm around hers. She closed her eyes, and relaxed. He smelled good – of soap and clean clothes, and a subtle cologne.

He began to stroke the palm of her hand absent-mindedly – and suddenly she was wide awake again. The nerves on her hand seemed to have a direct line to... somewhere else. Her eyes sprang open, and he felt her go rigid against his chest. He looked down at her.

"Hey – what's wrong?"

She looked into those big blue eyes, and that concerned yet manly, handsome face, and wanted more than anything to kiss him. Wanted – not needed. Her whole life had been about need – for six months, she had needed many things, but she had denied herself anything unnecessary. And kissing him was not necessary. She didn't have to. She just wanted to.

_**Will they, won't they...? Yeah, I'm not telling (yet). Please review and feel free to make suggestions - I already know pretty much where I'm going, but I'm really interested to see what you think should happen. Most importantly - in your opinion, is she going to kiss him or not? Go on, tell us what you think =) If you review, I will send you a loveball xox (I send all my readers loveballs anyway, but this would be an extra one...) Thanks for reading 'hugs' xox**_


	13. Chapter 13

**_Enjoy =) I hope you're all satisfied. Please review. Love you! xox_**

She turned around so she was facing him, and tilted her head up. He saw where she was going, and put his fingers over her mouth.

"Are you sure?" he whispered, barely disguising the fact that not kissing her was taking everything he had. Kate really thought about his question. She thought about her life – about her father, about all her baggage, and she thought about how Rick had always been nothing but kind to her, and hadn't pushed her to do anything she wasn't ready for. Even now, she could tell that he wanted to kiss her, but he was stopping. Because he really cared about her. She felt quite guilty about it – he was so good to her, but she didn't know what she did for him.

She nodded, and whispered, "Are you?"

Rick didn't answer. He didn't need to consider anything – he had done enough thinking, enough planning, enough wondering if what he felt was right, if he could be good for her. He thought he might even love her – but that was impossible. He put his hand behind her head and pulled her to him, kissing her softly, gently at first, but becoming steadily more urgent.

Kate had never had a kiss like this. She felt like she was on fire – and all she wanted to do was burn until she died. She explored his mouth with hers, and they fitted together perfectly. The coffee shop, the wintry dawn, the pain in her life – it all disappeared, and there was nothing in the world but Rick, with his arms around her, proving to her that she was still whole, that things could still be good.

Rick felt pretty similar – certainly, he was quite sure that he had never had a kiss that was this real. Kate was good – but he could tell she didn't know it, and for once, she was letting him be in charge. All too soon, though, he had to pull away. He could feel himself getting seriously aroused – and this was not the right place. When there mouths were no longer touching, Kate opened her eyes and locked them with his, her face slowly moving into a huge smile. He grinned back – they looked like a couple of idiots, but they didn't care. And her eyes – her eyes were full of light, and it made her so beautiful he had to think about his mother to stop himself from kissing her again.

He should have known it was too good to be true. The light faded as quickly as it had appeared, and although she was still smiling, he knew the darkness inside her was pulling her back in with it. She turned away, looking out of the window at the street that was beginning to be populated with people on their way to work. She wondered if any of them had ever been kissed like that – and also, she wondered why her stupid body or mind or whatever had made her feel all sad again when she'd probably just had the happiest experience of her life. Including kicking Jerry Gates in the balls in the fifth grade.

Rick slid his arm around her, wordlessly telling her that it was okay. She leaned her head against him, and some of the warmth he gave her managed to penetrate the wall that now surrounded her heart. Her feelings were so complicated – she felt sad, and she didn't know why, but she also felt sad, and annoyed, that she was feeling sad that something good had just happened. And also deliriously happy, that she had kissed him for real, and it had been wonderful – but the happiness was leaving and she didn't know why, and she was seriously worried that there was something awful wrong with her.

"You want to go home?" Rick asked her quietly.

"No. But I think I have to. I can go myself."

"If it's okay with you I'd like to walk you."

"That would be nice. Look, I know I look depressed – maybe there's something wrong with me, maybe I'm getting my period or something – but that was so great Rick – I mean, I just... oh god that really came out wrong. I just mean... I don't want you to think that I didn't enjoy that."

Rick smiled, and Kate blushed. Had she really just said maybe she was getting her period? That was something you maybe said to a guy when you'd been married to him for twenty years – not the cute, famous, flawless guy who you really wanted to impress. But he didn't seem to mind.

"I don't. And I enjoyed it too – very, very much, in case you were wondering."

Kate grinned. She had secretly been very worried that she wouldn't compare well with the scores of other, far more sophisticated and fashionable girls that Rick must have kissed.

They left the café and began to walk towards Kate's apartment, progressing slowly on the icy pavement, watching the sky become a hazy grey. They talked about Kate at the police academy, and Rick was glad to hear that she was making friends and seemed to be having a good time. He wondered privately if she had done the right thing – choosing a career purely because of the horrific pain she suffered, and her desire for revenge. But he knew she was very smart, very strong, and he thought she would make a great detective – he just hoped she would find it fulfilling, and would let her life be about more than her mother's murder. He didn't tell her though – he knew it was something she neither wanted nor needed to hear.

He came upstairs with her, but refused the offer of breakfast – he really had to get home. Kate hesitated before opening the door, and Rick knew what she was waiting for. Even in her heels, she was a good few inches shorter than him, which she liked – usually she hated looking up to people, but Rick's height made her feel protected. He bent down and kissed her again, and just as before, the feelings which followed banished all the pain from her body, even if it was only temporary.

He held her hand as he said goodbye, and he also said, "Thank you."

She looked a little confused. "Why thank you?"

"For doing something for yourself," he said simply, then he let go her hand, smiled at her, and turned to walk down the stairs. She watched him until he was out of sight, and when he was about to be, he turned, still smiling, and made a 'call me' sign with his hand. She nodded, smiling back, then let herself into the apartment. It was still only 7am, and Lanie and her father weren't up yet. She thought about Rick thanking her, and decided it was just silly – she thought of herself as a very selfish person. She had gone out instead of taking care of her father, she had messed Rick around, and poured out her problems to him when he shouldn't have to worry about them. She took advantage of people - Rick, Will, even Lanie – that was how she saw it. She resolved to be a better person. And she would call Rick – though if she was honest, that had a lot to do with the fact that she wanted to see him, and kiss him again. And again... She got angry at herself again. She should apologise to him. She didn't deserve him – and she really didn't know why he bothered with her.

She sighed, and wandered through to her bedroom. She should try to sleep – she could squeeze in a few hours before her classes started. But her mind was to busy – she couldn't relax. She wished Rick were with her – when she was him, it was much easier to be calm. Things still didn't make sense – but when he was there, problems didn't seem to matter so much. She remembered something her mother had said about love. She had said that love didn't change people – not even a little bit. It just made them realise what was important. Kate had no idea what was important. Justice? The truth? These must be far more important than kissing some guy – however nice it was. And she couldn't help feeling guilty that she was spending so much time thinking about Rick when she should be thinking about her mother, and catching the person who had killed her.


	14. Chapter 14

Kate got into bed – now she was alone, she was realising how tired she was. She was asleep in a few minutes.

And then Rick was there, in the bed with her. He was stroking her hair, holding her close. She knew it was a dream – and she was waiting for something awful to happen – she was so used to this by now that she was almost resigned to it.

"Nothing's going to happen," Rick whispered in her ear. And she believed him. She relaxed against him, and he held her tighter.

When a slightly panicked Lanie woke her up 4 hours later because she had 20 minutes before they were going to class, she was still dreaming that Rick was holding her. She gasped as she sat up in bed. For the first time in 6 months, she hadn't dreamt about death. Surely that meant something good.

_Or something bad, _muttered the voice in her head that never left her alone. _What if he's making you forget, making you not care – that's wrong. It should be at the front of your mind, every minute, because you have to find the truth. Are you so selfish that you don't care about her any more because of a guy you've known for five minutes? You'll let it go – you don't really care about fighting for justice. You're just shallow, like you always were._

Kate didn't know how to answer herself. She got dressed and brushed her teeth, gulping down the coffee Lanie handed her and hurrying out of the door. She tried to think about the forensics class they were going to – she wanted something to concentrate on. Because otherwise she would have to decide whether to smile because she thought she might be in love, or cry because what she was doing wasn't true to her mother.

When she arrived home that evening, Rick had left a message on her machine, saying she should call him when she got home. Nothing could stop her heart fluttering when she heard his voice, and her stupid head could go fuck itself, she was going to call him.

He answered on the second ring.

"Kate – hey, how are you?"

She could hear the smile in his voice, and smiled back. "I'm good thanks. I was thinking about you. How are you?"

"Yeah, I'm great – I was thinking about you too. You want to go out tonight? We could catch a movie or something."

"Yeah – I'd like that. What's playing?"

"I don't know. Probably documentaries. What do you like seeing?"

Kate thought about it. "I've always had a bit of a thing for those disney cartoons. But I don't think there's anything like that on right now."

"I have Beauty and the Beast on tape. And the little mermaid. And Bambi I think...and Snow White."

"Seriously? You like them too?"

"I think like is an understatement. I guess... I mean, it's a bit forward, but you could come over here and we could watch one. Technically that's still a step down – after all, you've already slept over."

Kate laughed, and after a bit, agreed. They arranged when to meet – she would just get ready and go straight over. She wondered what to wear. Something comfy – sitting in front of a movie in tight jeans and a tight, low cut top might look sexy, but it was also seriously uncomfortable. She chose her old jeans, that were soft and worn, her chucks, and a long sleeved wool sweater. She put on her puffy down jacket as well, and a long red scarf – it was cold outside.

She decided to walk – she liked the streets in winter. All the people scurrying along, getting from A to B. Her mother had always said life was about the journey – which sounded like those car commercials, but it was still true. You were much happier if you enjoyed getting to places – Kate liked watching people, wondering what made them tick. Her mother had been full of good advice – pity she hadn't had any about what to do when your world was torn apart, and the only person who could have helped you through it was the one who had been ripped away.

She began to feel guilty again, that she was going to see Rick. But she was so tired – and he was helping her. And he wanted to. She arrived at his apartment, smiling because she was so determined to enjoy herself, rather than because she actually was. If Rick saw the forced nature of her expression, he didn't mention it, and they settled down to watch a movie – he had a really modern VHS recorder/player thing, and a TV with a massive screen. Kate ate her Chinese food, and watched the movie, crying in the right places, maybe a little too hard. She snuggled into Rick, and he had his arm around her, but he knew something was wrong. She was still seriously tense. He decided to give her time to relax, and not ask her – maybe she just needed a little while to feel calm. But at the end of the movie she still seemed anxious and stressed, and he had to say something.

"Katie, what's wrong?"

Kate wiped the tears from her cheeks, hoping Rick thought they were just in reaction to the movie.

"I don't know. I'm just so happy with you..."

"Well you could've fooled me!"

"It's complicated, Rick. I feel guilty. I don't know if... I don't deserve you. And I don't deserve to be happy. I'm selfish, I treat people badly, and right now I should be out finding the truth, not curled up on a couch with some famous writer guy because it makes me feel better about something I have no right to feel better about."

Rick looked at her, and couldn't help be angry. Not with her – but with the world, that it had done this to her.

"Of course you deserve to be happy," he said gently, sliding off the couch and kneeling in front of her. He put his hands on her shoulders. "Usually, you're absolutely great company. You make me feel... I can't describe it. I have never felt this way about anyone before – if anyone is undeserving, it's me. And if being with me makes you feel good – well, I can only suggest we hang out a lot more."

Kate looked into his honest eyes, and felt the warmth of his hands on her shoulders. And something inside her gave in, and she flew forward, kissing him, her desire, her desperation, her confusion all building together into some kind of explosive energy which completely bowled him over. Soon she was on the floor with him, fumbling with the buttons of his shirt, and when it was off, running her hands over his chest, still kissing him like her life depended on it. She had been wearing her scarf, and it slid off onto the floor. She saw it, a pool of red, and suddenly she snapped back. Rick looked at her in surprise – had he imagined the last five minutes?

Kate stood up, and awkwardly, Rick stood as well.

"What's wrong?"

Kate looked around, and at him. She could see his erection through his pants, and of course, he had no shirt on. She had done that to him. There must be something wrong with her. She blinked and her mother was on the floor, in a pool of blood, just like in that alleyway, staring at her in disgust.

"I just can't... I can't do it."

"You want to."

"Yes. So, so much. But... I have a job to do. That's what my life's supposed to be about. I haven't been doing so well... I've been thinking about you more than the academy. I even didn't have a bad dream last night."

"But that's a good thing!"

"Is it? I shouldn't be forgetting. I shouldn't feel better – I have to remember, to keep her in my mind every day, to drive me."

Rick stared at her.

"You're wrong."

"What the hell do you know?" she began to raise her voice – they were both getting angry now. "It's my life, not yours!"

"I know that your mother is dead. She's dead Kate, and I am truly sorry for you, but nothing is going to bring her back – not even justice. And certainly not living a life of pain and suffering, not allowing yourself to get over it because you're afraid to move on. You don't want to accept it – so you hold on to her in the only way you still can. You're staying with that body, that empty body – because you don't want to admit that your mother is gone. But she is gone, Kate, and she would want you to live your life."

Kate screamed at him, tears running freely down her cheeks. "How could you even say that?" she yelled, and slapped him hard across the face. His eyes remained firey, and he grabbed her. She thought he might throw her across the room, but instead, he brought his mouth to hers, and kissed her with all the passion that had been in his words as well. Furious as she was with him, she couldn't help but kiss him back. It just felt so right. And although she would never admit it, everything he had said had been right too.

Then he pulled away, leaving her desperate and confused – and still crazy with anger. He kept his face just inches from hers.

"Now. If you can look into my eyes and tell me you didn't like that, that you don't want to do it again, go now, walk out that door, and you'll never see me again."


	15. Chapter 15

_**Just a short chapter this time - I am really in a writing mood today, but I also have a cold (not a bad one though =D) so I haven't been doing much else. Also, **__**I**__** really wanted to know how Kate would respond to Rick's ultimatum, and that is pretty much all this chapter is. Plus, I wanted to end on the line I end on... Enjoy - please read, review and tell your friends. I love hearing what people think and I am so grateful for anyone who takes the time to read and comment on my writing - thanks xD. Much love, Z xox**_

Kate didn't know what to do. She didn't know who was right, or how to feel, and the little voice in her head was screaming that she should leave, and that no good could ever come of staying. _He just said all that stuff because he thought he was going to get into your pants and then he was disappointed that you came to your senses. He's no different from any other shitty guys you've met – you don't love him, and there's nothing special about him anyway._

She looked at his mouth, at those soft lips that made her feel so alive, and at his eyes, which glowed with love or lust or anger – or all three. And she remembered the words which she had taken as her mantra – and again realised that she would have to be honest with him. She spoke quietly, and tried to avoid his piercing eyes – they had a way of making her forget herself.

"I don't want to go, Rick. I want to stay in your arms, and never be away from you, because of the way you make me feel. But I just don't know – I don't know if that's right, I don't know if I can. I don't know if it's fair to either of us when I'm clearly so messed up. Maybe you're right – but I can't just let my mother's murder go, and pretend like it doesn't matter. She was my world, Rick – my hero, my idol, my guide... I loved her more than anything and she always knew what to do – but now she's gone I don't know and the only thing I can think of is getting some justice for her – I owe her that, at the very least. And how can I get that if I'm kissing some famous writer, or setting myself up to fail my exams by staying out with him until 7am?"

Rick thought hard, and when he replied, he spoke very gently – the last thing he wanted was for them to be screaming at each other again.

"You can't hide behind being messed up Kate – everybody's messed up in some way or another – and I've told you that before. Of course your mother's murder matters – but you don't have to choose between her and me. I'll be here for you – and it's good for you. You told me you slept properly for the first time since she died – and it sounded like that was because of me. That's not a bad thing – it's great. And I want to be here for you, like that. I want to make you feel better. And I know you like having me around. Don't be afraid to do something that you want – it doesn't make you selfish or wrong – it just makes you human."

Kate wished with all her heart that he was right. He was saying exactly what she wanted to hear – he didn't think she was selfish, and wanting him wasn't betraying her mother. She looked up at him and he continued.

"I know you want to catch her killer, and I will stand by you. I'll help you – I'll help you study for those exams – I'll even enforce a bedtime if you want." He smiled, "I'll do whatever it takes to be with you and make your life better, Katie. Because – and I know this sounds crazy, because we've been on maybe one real date, but you're the first girl who's ever made me feel this way. You're the most fantastic, frustrating, annoying, difficult, crazy, wonderful person I've ever met, and Kate – I think I love you."

Kate blinked at him. Had she heard him right? She knew that she had. And it was as though those three words crushed any doubt inside her. She was still confused, she was still messed up. But one thing she was certain of.

"Rick – I think I love you too."


	16. Chapter 16

_**So now they're together... My equivalent of season 5? At least I didn't take 4 years to get here... Although to be fair, I'm not quite as far on with the relationship as they will be in September xD. Please review, follow, recommend, tweet me, and thank you very much for reading. xox**_

There was no space between them for him to cover – he just brought his mouth to hers again. He still wasn't wearing a shirt, and Kate pulled away for a moment to take off hers as well, then went back to kissing him as if it was the only thing that mattered in the world. Maybe he was.

Rick traced his hands over her back, but they never strayed higher or lower. It wasn't that he didn't want it - anyone who could see him could tell that he was desperate for it – but he knew it shouldn't be tonight. There was just too much emotion in the air – and although he didn't feel older than her, he knew he was. Though he was sure he couldn't be her first, he guessed she was less experienced than him as well – and after a few more exciting minutes, he gently pulled out of the kiss, and snuggled with Kate on the couch. Now that she was less preoccupied, Kate realised she was cold, and Rick passed her her sweater, and pulled a blanket over them both.

Kate wanted to ask Rick why he had stopped – but she knew anyway, and it was one of the reasons she liked him. He was waiting for her to be ready – not just until she said she was and acted like she was, but until she really was. She traced a pattern on his bare chest with her finger. Had she actually said she loved him? Pretty much. And it was true – she did, and he loved her. Josh had said he loved her too, and Will, come to that. But with Rick those words had taken on a whole new meaning.

She thought about what Will had said, about her intimacy issues – and allowed the relief that he was really wrong wash over her. She smiled up at Rick and he kissed the top of her head, running his fingers through her hair. Soon she was asleep. Rick watched her for a while – her eyelids fluttered but her expression stayed calm – he hoped she wasn't dreaming. When he started to have to move, he carefully lifted her – noticing how light she still was – and carried her through to his bedroom, tucking her in carefully. Then he collected a blanket from the closet and made himself comfortable on the couch.

Kate woke up in an unfamiliar bed, and wondered where she was. It was still dark outside – there was a radio clock that told her it was 5am. She remembered the night before, and realised this must be Rick's bed. It was very comfy, and absolutely huge. She wondered where he was sleeping. She hadn't even had a dream – for the second night in a row. It was Friday, so she had some classes quite early. She should probably head home.

She went into the living room, and saw him sleeping peacefully on the couch. She found a pad and a piece of paper, and wrote him a note.

_Rick,_

_Thanks so much for last night. And your bed was amazing – I hope you slept as well as I did. See you later? I have to go get ready for class, I'll be done with it all by 5. _

_Love,_

_Kate. _

She drew a little stick figure, waving, with a little heart beside its head. She put it on the coffee table, and gently kissed his lips, half hoping it would wake him up – though she didn't mind at all that it didn't. Then she collected her things, and slipped out of the door. She really needed to be prepared for class today – she only had a few weeks left before her final theory exams – then she would be an actual cop. Learning to drive had been fun – and shooting. She hadn't imagined how satisfying that would be – but she really enjoyed it. It helped that she was top of the class in just about everything.

When she got home – she had walked – she found her textbook, and reread most of it. She knew you couldn't learn how to be a cop from a book – but also took the view that knowing all the theory wouldn't do any harm. She showered and dressed, making sure she was perfectly presented – complete with her usual 4 inch heels. She dried and styled her hair, and filed her nails. She wondered if Rick had gotten the note yet – it was about 7. He might be awake. She wondered if he would call her.

She heard Lanie get up, and went to make some tea for her friend – Lanie wasn't anything like the coffee addict she was – maybe it ran in families. She checked on her father – he had made it to bed this time, but he was still fully dressed, passed out on top of the covers. She dragged a blanket over him and left him to it, then had a thought, and collected her gym stuff. She could go to the police gym between her classes – there were even pretty decent showers there. She checked for assignments again – but the police academy was more about practical learning, and it sounded a little harsh, but honestly, academic smarts weren't necessary to succeeding in the NYPD.

She and Lanie ate breakfast together, and while they were sitting at the table, Kate heard her phone ringing from her room – she had a separate line. She ran to answer it, apologising to Lanie, and sure enough, it was Rick.

"I got your note. You know, I wouldn't have minded being woken up. I didn't even get a kiss goodbye."

"You did, actually."

"I slept through a kiss from you? I don't believe it."

"You did," Kate laughed.

"I owe you a kiss, then," he answered, and she could hear the smile in his voice.

"What are you doing tonight?" Kate asked. She hoped she didn't sound too clingy – and if she did, Rick didn't mind.

"I hope I'm taking you out to dinner. Do you like Italian?"

Kate smiled, and Lanie, standing in the doorway, winked at her friend when she saw the huge grin and glowing eyes. Then she made a 'who' gesture. Kate stuck her tongue out, and waved Lanie out of the room.

"I love Italian."

"Great. I know a wonderful place – can I pick you up around 7?"

She liked that he had given her 2 hours to get ready. She would do him proud.

"Sure. See you then."

After saying their goodbyes, they hung up. Kate found that she was really excited – it was a real date. Their first proper date – where she could get dressed up, and show him just how good she could look.

Her mind was so caught up in the date she didn't notice the other things creeping into it. The guilt, the pain – having stayed away for the whole of last night, they hit her like a kick in the gut. But Ricks words somehow helped her to stand up again, and reason with herself. She was on the road to becoming a great cop, and she was not forgetting – she would find her mothers killer and bring him to justice. That was important. But the sudden death had also shown her how quickly a life could end – and she didn't want to waste time with hers – with Rick, who loved her, and who she loved. So she brushed away the tear from the corner of her eye, and went out of her room to be teased by her best friend, and smile for real.


	17. Chapter 17

_**This chapter is a bit different - but I LOVE Lanie and I wanted to give her a bigger role. The next chapter will be more Rick and Kate, but Lanie will appear more often - the importance of a girl's best friend shouldn't be underestimated! Please review - tell me anything, ask me anything... - e.g. do you like the Lanie/Kate scenes or would you prefer just Kate/Rick - or should Rick have a buddy to talk to as well? **_

"**So – who was that?"**

"**Uh..insurance salesman?" **Kate tried half-heartedly – she knew there was no point in really trying to lie to her friend.

"Yeah, and I'm the queen of Sheba!" Lanie softened her tone. "Come on – I know you broke up with that Will guy – and good riddance – the only thing I liked about him was his name went with yours. Will and Kate – got a nice ring to it I think. So who? He wasn't trying to get back with you again was he?"

"No...It was someone else."

"A guy? Please tell me it was a guy."

"Yes, Lanie, it was a guy."

"A nice guy? A datable guy?"

Kate looked into her coffee, and couldn't help smiling a little. Lanie noticed at once.

"Katherine Beckett, I know that smile. That's not a friend smile, or even a guy-you-like smile. That's an in-love smile, and the smile of a girl who has a date! I'm right, aren't I?"

Kate gave in, and began pouring herself out to her friend, feeling the relief it gave her. "Yes, yes, you're right, and he's so wonderful...His name's Rick, he's a writer – he's even famous! And he's gorgeous, and we've been talking...But tonight's our first real date...I'm sort of worried about it, a bit. I mean-"

"You want to make the right impression. Understandable. And I am the girl to help you – but first I need to know – how long have you known him? What situations has he seen you in? And you said first _real _date – which implies there have been things a bit like dates – tell me more."

Kate paused, wondering where to start. Her relationship with Rick was so complicated, it was hard to condense it into a sensible conversation, especially this early in the morning.

"I've known him since before I moved back here – maybe 4 months-"

"Four months?" Lanie asked in feigned shock. "Four months and you never mentioned him to me?"

"Well, I haven't known him like that for four months. We were friends before – and when I moved here I met Will – and you knew all about Will."

"Yeah, because Will was so interesting." Lanie let her voice drip with sarcasm. She loved Kate more than anything, and would stand by her whatever happened, but she had never liked Will. There just hadn't been a spark about him – no wonder there had been no spark between him and Kate.

"Hey," Kate replied, "He wasn't so bad."

Lanie made an if-you-say-so gesture, and then motioned for her friend to continue explaining Rick. Now he sounded interesting – just Kate's expression when she was on the phone with him told you there was a juicy story to them.

"Okay, so you two were friends," Lanie encouraged, when Kate didn't speak, "and then what? Did anything happen before you left? And I guess you guys stayed in touch? When did you realise you liked him?"

"No, nothing really happened. I mean, I was seriously messed up. And he was so sweet and fun, and showed me a good time when I thought no one could. But I had to change – I knew UCLA wasn't right for me any more, and I thought he was staying in LA – and he did. He told me to call him, he gave me a ton of numbers, but... I was confused. I didn't know how I felt, and mostly I was just sad and I didn't want to screw him around."

"You should let people give to you more," Lanie commented. "But okay, so if you didn't call him, how come you're now going out on a date with him?"

Kate paused again, thinking. She remembered it so clearly, walking past the bookshop, telling Will she couldn't meet him, fantasising about kissing Rick... She relayed this all to Lanie somehow, and her friend gasped in all the right places. When she got to the part about staying out all night at the coffee shop, just talking, Lanie interjected.

"You should just marry him and be done with it."

"Wha- Wait, marry him?"

"Well, think about it. He's cute, he's sweet, he clearly cares about you, oh, yeah, and he's rich and famous and you'll never want for anything. You two have the connection – a guy you can talk to all night, about everything, is definitely a keeper. Plus – if you had seen the look on your face for the last half hour, you would be in no doubt – you have totally fallen for him."

Lanie smiled, and put her hand over Kate's. Kate smiled back.

"I'm so happy for you – it's about time something good came along in your life – this Rick sounds like he's just what you need. And you tell him he better treat you right, or he'll have me to answer to!"

Kate laughed. "I think that threat would keep anyone in line. But..." her face fell a little, and Lanie could tell immediately what she was thinking about.

"Look, sweetie – having a bit of fun and a bit of love and happiness in your life isn't something you should be feeling guilty about. You may feel like you owe her justice – but I'm sure she would want you to be happy too. Don't hide behind her – you are a strong, beautiful, brilliant girl, and this may sound like one of those dumb inspirational speeches but you have to go on with your life, and actually live, without worrying all the time. You will solve that case – but it doesn't have to be the only thing you ever do."

Kate squeezed tighter on Lanie's hand, and Lanie got up and pulled her into a hug. Lanie held her best friend, and wondered if she would ever be truly free of the dark cloud hanging over her. If anyone could get rid of it, this Rick person sounded like he was the guy.

_**Thanks for reading, I hope you enjoyed it. I will try to update soon. I hope you're having a great whatever time of day it is where you are, and send you all loads of loveballs. And something to think about - there's a new character coming soon with the initials MR... **_

_**XOX**_

_**Z**_


	18. Chapter 18

_**All I can say is I'm sorry I was so slow! and that I really hope you didn't give up on me. Enjoy xx**_

They had talked for so long that Kate had to hurry to make it to her class on time, and she made a resolution to study much harder and focus far more on her studies – the theory would be over soon and although she worked harder at it than most, she wanted perfection. Her mother had never settled for anything less.

She arrived home at 4:30, and took a shower straight away. The showers at the gym were fine, but there was something different about getting ready from the beginning in your own bathroom. She dried her hair, and was grateful for whatever it was in her genes which meant she didn't need to do anything else to it for it to bounce, shiny and wavy, on her shoulders. Then, dressed in a bathrobe, she opened her closet and stared at its contents. Lanie appeared behind her.

"The trick to deciding what to wear is knowing in advance what you want from the date," she said, as Kate flicked through the dresses hanging on the rail.

"What I want from the date?" Kate asked, not quite understanding.

"Yeah. As in, a kiss, another date, an invitation to go dancing after, sex, a marriage proposal..."

Kate couldn't help but admire Lanie's ability to be so down to earth about everything. And so knowledgeable about men and what to do with them. She turned to face her friend, and grinned nervously.

"Okay...I think, all of the above. Apart from the proposal."

Lanie raised her eyebrows. "Some first date you're setting this up to be Katie."

Kate just smiled. "Okay then – so what should I wear?"

Lanie sifted through the clothes, and took out a short, tight black dress. Kate eyed it dubiously.

"I haven't even worn that once. I bought it because it was on sale, when I was about 16 – and I was a good couple of inches shorter when I tried it."

"So? You just have more gorgeous leg to show off. And not having worn it before is yet another reason to wear it today – otherwise buying it would have been a complete waste."

Kate laughed and took the dress, going to the bathroom to change into it while Lanie browsed her make up bag. There was no full length mirror in the bathroom, so when Lanie gasped, Kate wasn't sure whether this was a good or bad thing. She quickly opened the closet to see herself in the mirror on its door – and almost gasped herself. She hardly recognised this girl – this woman. Tall and elegant, with a beautiful figure that unlike most, benefited from being hugged so tightly by the dress. Her legs looked even longer than usual, and her curves were perfect. The dress was sleeveless, and high at the front but very low cut at the back. It had built in support so she didn't need a bra, and though short, the skirt was just long enough not to be too slutty.

Lanie passed her a long gold chain with a heart on it, and some very high heeled black shoes. She put in earrings to match the chain, and let Lanie apply liberal amounts of make up. She grabbed a clutch purse and put in some money, tissues, eye-liner, and lip gloss, and glanced at the clock. It was five to seven. She took a deep breath, and wondered if she had meant what she said about what she wanted from the date. Lanie disappeared, kissing her on the cheek and giving her a knowing smile.

"I won't wait up," she said as she left the room. Kate was only alone for a moment before the buzzer rang. She opened the door and waited for Rick, who bounded up the stairs like an excited puppy. When he saw her his jaw dropped. Kate had to admit that she liked having this effect on him. He looked great too – a dark red shirt tucked into black pants. He presented her with a bunch of red roses, which she put in a vase in her room. When they went downstairs she expected to see the Ferrari, but was greeted instead by a sleek, black limousine, complete with a charming chauffeur who tried to open the door for her, but Rick beat him to it.

She sank into the soft leather, and Rick sat beside her, taking her hand. She knew he was admiring the dress – she was glad she had worn it. They arrived at a small Italian restaurant, which looked out over the river. Quiet traditional music played in the background, and they sat at a booth in the corner, which was largely hidden from the rest of the room. They ordered, and ate, and talked, and then Rick suggested that they go for a walk in the garden.

It was beautiful – illuminated with dozens of little candles, giving everything a romantic glow. They were completely alone. Rick bent down and kissed Kate softly on the lips, and she responded enthusiastically – she had been waiting for this all evening. His strong hands held her back, and she loved the way they felt on her bare skin.

When they finally broke away, breathless, Kate was certain that she could not just leave it there. Rick could see in her eyes what she was thinking, and when they got into the car he instructed the driver to go straight to his apartment. Kate felt as though she was in a dream. Rick held her hand, and guided her through his door, and into the bedroom – but gently, asking permission with each step.

Rick watched her sleeping in the morning, so peacefully – and contrasted it with the troubled girl he had watched before. Now he was the troubled one – he felt as though he had done wrong, as though he had used her – though he couldn't have known, he wondered if he had pushed her into it. He was sure he should have slowed her down – they should have at least talked about it – but he hadn't known...

Her eyelids flickered, then opened. When she saw Rick, a smile spread across her face.

"Good morning," he said.

"Hey," she replied, a little nervous that he didn't sound quite so happy and relaxed as she was. "Everything okay?"

Rick looked at her. He should be the one asking that question. "Yeah," he answered, "But... look, it's not a problem or anything like that – but why didn't you tell me?"

Kate finally worked out what was wrong. And felt extremely guilty. She had been going to tell him. But she had thought he might have guessed. And she had thought it would be so awkward. And he might not have... She had wanted what had happened. And she had had a wonderful night.

"I guess... I was just all caught up in the moment, and I wanted it – I wanted _you _more than anything. And if I'd stopped to, you know, talk about that, it would've ruined it for sure."

Rick looked at her, her beautiful tousled hair splayed out on the white pillow case. She wanted him. She had just wanted him. It sounded crazy when he said it to himself – the magazines said he exuded confidence – but he did sometimes think that he wanted her more, needed her more, than she did him. He smiled, and kissed her. She looked worried now, guilty. He showed her that this was not necessary.

Kate wondered if she had been incredibly selfish. She hadn't thought about how Rick would feel. She had only thought of herself. Okay, he didn't seem to mind now he was satisfied he hadn't forced himself on her before she was ready, but still... Suddenly she thought she should leave. She didn't deserve this. She felt... dirty. Lying naked in his bed like she belonged there.

She waited until he left to go to the bathroom, then slipped back into her dress (which she now decided had been extremely inappropriate and slutty), and left his apartment. It was still quite early, and she decided to walk home. It was cold, but she felt warm. She was so happy – she didn't deserve it, but it wouldn't go away. She couldn't stop smiling.

Until she realised what she was doing. She could have kicked herself. As it was, she kicked off her heels, turned around, and ran in the opposite direction, back to Rick's place, her bare feet slapping on the rough paving stones.

She met Rick running towards her – they almost ran straight into each other. She kissed him for all she was worth – she didn't even let him speak. When he pulled away, she saw it looked like he'd been crying. She gently wiped the tears from his face, and inwardly slapped herself for causing them. She tried to speak,

"I'm so sorry, I know how it must look but really I just felt so guilty, I'm so crazy, Rick, because... Because I love you, and that was the... Well, honestly the best night of my life. And I know I don't exactly have a frame of reference but – we were pretty good, right?"

Rick managed a bemused smile, which gradually evolved into a full blown grin. "You're the end, Katie – you know that?" Then he started to laugh, and she did too. They laughed, and kissed, and shivered, in a world of their own.

**_So yeah, I FINALLY wrote something. I am so sorry for the delay but I have just started university/college/whatever you call it, and I have been sooooo busy. But I hope you liked it. MR is delayed until the next chapter – I decided this stuff could use a whole one to itself. I am planning to update much more quickly next time! Love you, please review, even if it's just to 'yell' at me for being so slow..._**


	19. Chapter 19

It was a Saturday, so Kate didn't have any classes, but her Physical was on Monday, her exam was on Wednesday, and if she passed both she would be assigned a precinct by Friday, and start work as a real police officer in just over a week. To say she was excited did not do her feelings justice – but she was also determined to do brilliantly in both her tests. She wanted to go to the gym to train, and after a leisurely breakfast with Rick, he argued his case well enough that she let him go with her.

On the way there, she called Lanie to make sure her father was okay – Lanie told her he was passed out on the couch, but that he seemed fine and hadn't been sick or anything. Lanie was a med student, anyway. She told Kate to have a good time, and they arranged to meet for a late lunch.

Rick was amused by the idea of Lanie, and he also said that he should thank her.

"What for?" Kate asked as they drove back to her place to get her clothes.

"I'm guessing she had an input in your outfit last night?"

Kate laughed, and Rick grinned at her.

0-0-0

Kate had the best fitness results of all the girls taking the test that day, and she scored 100% in the written paper too. Rick picked her up afterwards and saw the glow of pride on her face – and she deserved it.

"So, where d'you want to go for your celebration dinner?"

Kate looked at Rick and wished she didn't have to turn him down – but she had promised her father she would stay home and eat with him that night. He didn't even know that her exams had been this week – but he had finally managed not to drink for a couple of days and she wanted to congratulate him. Also, he was her father, and she missed him. Lanie was going out with her boyfriend, and they were going to have some family time.

Rick was very understanding – he said he was working on a book anyway, and that he would take her home, then go back to his place and get some work done. Kate smiled at him, and it was a genuine smile. Rick knew she sometimes struggled with that – she was much happier now, and she had direction and everything – but he knew he couldn't fix every little thing straight away.

He waited until she had disappeared into her building before driving away, still thinking about that smile and those wonderful eyes that were full of so much emotion.

Kate took the stairs, just for a bit of variety, and let herself in to her apartment.

"Hey Dad, I'm home," she called. He wasn't in the main room, so she wandered through to the kitchen. She didn't realise what was going on at first, because he was sitting at the table. Then she saw what was on it in front of him – her mother's old diary. And a three-quarters empty bottle of scotch. When she came in he looked up at her with tear stained eyes.

"I was looking for the recipe – you know, that pie she used to make. But then..."

Kate didn't need him to explain. She swallowed her disappointment, and her own sadness that her mother wasn't there to congratulate her (and also that her father didn't seem to be either), and put her arm around the shell of a man that she had once respected and admired.

He cried for about an hour, drinking as he went, before he passed out. Kate half dragged, half carried him to bed, taking off his shoes and making him comfortable, then went into her own room and screamed. Was she selfish, to want him to be more interested in her than his grief and his bottle? Was it wrong of her to hate him for giving up, when she had to go on? She knew she didn't have to look after him – just as she knew that she would never forgive herself if she didn't. She wondered what her mother would have done. Johanna Beckett did not get screwed around, that was for sure. But she had loved her husband. She would help him through anything. And she would succeed.

"Well that's where we're different, Mom, because I don't think I'm gonna win here – some battles are fucking impossible, at least for me!"

She knew she wouldn't give up. But when she thought of her life, and its future, she just had a huge feeling of doom. No matter how much she thought of Rick, or her great results, or her new job, she couldn't get her mind out of the cycle it had entered about seven months ago. She fell asleep imagining that she was in her mother's arms, and she dreamed that she woke up covered in blood.

She didn't see Rick the nest day – she texted him telling him something had come up, and she went for a walk in the park, wondering what to do with herself. She ended up at the Met museum, and found a picture to stare at. It was peaceful in there – people had come in to get out of the cold, and they were bustling about, talking, drinking coffee, and there wasn't any room to worry because they were all talking about Christmas or parties or work, and you could let it absorb you.

Kate stood in the same place for over two hours. She hardly noticed when someone tapped her on the shoulder – but when she did she whirled around, startled.

"Hey, sorry if I made you jump. I just thought you looked sad – are you okay?"

It was a guy – but he was older, about her father's age. He wasn't too rich or fancy, but he looked nice. And strong, fit, and smart.

"No, it's okay. And I'm okay, too. Just thinking."

"Okay. Good. I come here to think, too."

Kate smiled. There was something in his manner that was so friendly – she found herself wishing that he were her father.

"What are you thinking about?" she asked without really considering whether that was a polite question to ask someone you'd known all of 30 seconds. But the man smiled.

"I'm thinking about responsibility. I'm a detective, and up until now I've avoided being assigned a rookie, a new cop, to follow me around, learn the ropes and so on – that's how we do it. I loved my mentor, he was amazing – but I don't think I could ever do half as well as he did. So I guess I'm trying to get some confidence, or inspiration or something."

Kate grinned. "You won't believe it, but that's what I'm thinking about too. Sort of. Well, about looking after someone, and doing it right. But also about being a cop – I start tomorrow. I hope I get a mentor that's put as much thought into it as you have."

"You kidding? That is a coincidence. I wouldn't have pegged you for it though, I have to say. Seriously, a cop? I thought you would be an art student or something."

Kate looked at her clothes. "Did I really dress that badly today?" she teased. He laughed. She held out her hand. "I'm Kate. Kate Beckett."

He shook it. "Mike Royce – it's good to meet you."

They left soon afterwards – Kate wanted to go home and check on her Dad – but Mike gave her his card, and said if she ever got sick of her mentor she should give him a call. She didn't know exactly why, but he had made her feel so much better. Rick was amazing, and perfect, but he couldn't be her whole world – she just wasn't built that way. Her better mood did mean that she called him, though, inviting him round for a movie, and to keep her calm. She was suddenly very nervous about her first day as part of the NYPD.

_Did anyone guess MR right? Anyway, I hope you liked it, and as always, please, please review. *Hugs and Loveballs* Z xxx_


	20. Chapter 20

_Sorry I left it so long again - university life, what can I say? But here it is. Please review. And if you really think Kate would dump Rick for Royce, well...ye of little faith =P. Enjoy xox_

She put on more make up than she would have done for the academy, and made her uniform look as nice as possible. She wanted to make a good impression. They had been told that there would be a sort of orientation meeting when they arrived where they would be paired up with an experienced cop – someone who would show them what to do. Kate couldn't wait; she wanted to get out there and help people. She was tired of waiting and studying – now she wanted to do something good, something real.

She was assigned to the 12th precinct. It was a big building, with a maze of offices and different floors, and a row of police cars parked outside. Kate had a strange feeling in her stomach. It wasn't fear – it was more like she knew she ought to be afraid, but she could only manage to be excited. Mainly, she was worried that they would think she was green and naïve. She slid her hands into her pockets against the cold, and hastily pulled them out again – but she found a note in one of them. She opened it with a smile.

_Knock 'em dead, Katie. But not literally – apparently that creates a ton of paperwork. Have a great day babe. Love, R. _

She smiled wider and put it back in her pocket. She liked that he had put it there – that he had managed to do it and get at her uniform without her realising, and that he had thought of doing it. She followed the other rookies inside – since she could identify them, she was sure anyone would be able to spot her inexperience a mile away too. She felt a little embarrassed – like everyone would be watching her, waiting for her to make a mistake.

There were six new cops at the 12th – all assigned different areas. Most of the new cops had gone to a different precinct – Kate wondered if she and the others were the overflow, or the cream of the crop. She very much hoped the latter, although at the same time she was a bit wary of being singled out so early on. They were crowded into quite a small room – there were more than six proper detectives, and a couple of very official looking senior officers – maybe one of them was the Captain? Kate looked around. She didn't know her fellow newcomers very well, and checked them again for a familiar face. Not seeing one, she touched the outside of her pocket with the note in it, almost wishing Rick were there to tell some joke, and calm her down a bit.

One of the officials began speaking, and she focused, trying to take in everything he said. It was mostly just a welcome speech, telling them to be safe, remember what they had learned, and listen to their training officer. He told them rookies were usually paired up, but they would just be the partner of the trainer. As Kate had suspected, they were there because they had all scored exceptionally highly in the exam, and had been identified as having great potential. Kate was the only woman. He called out everyone's name, and gave them their badges. Kate tried to remember them all. The pair that stood out the most were clearly buddies already – Kevin Ryan and Javier Esposito. They looked like she felt – excited, and more than ready to start being cops. The other three guys looked more wary. She wondered what they thought of her.

When she was handed a badge, and a gun(!) she could hardly believe it. She felt as though she was just dressing up, playing cop for Halloween or something. But this badge was real. She looked at the number, 41319. That would be hers forever. Unique.

She holstered the gun. It felt awkward against her hip, and wrong somehow – she wasn't sure she should be carrying it. Of course, she had passed the test, and she had known she was going to get it, but... It nestled against her hip, where she would feel it every day from now on.

The boss guy was pairing people up now. It reminded Kate of gym class. She listened for her name. She couldn't really see the detectives. She had thought they would just be with more experienced uniform cops – this placement must mean something serious if they were working with such higher ranking people.

"Katherine Beckett, Detective Michael Royce."

She stepped forward. Wait, Royce? The guy from the gallery? Sure enough, there he was, waiting to shake her hand with a huge grin on his face. She smiled back, and let out a breath she hadn't realised she'd been holding.

"I should warn you," she said with a grin, "I met a detective who works here yesterday, and if you aren't any good, you'll have him to answer to."

Royce winked. "I'd better watch my step then. Want me to show you around, Beckett?"

She called Rick in her coffee break. There was so much to take in, she needed something familiar to keep her grounded.

"Hey, how's it going, officer?"

Kate laughed. "It's great! There's so much... I'm sure I've forgotten half of what I've been told already, but my training officer's so nice, I'm sure I can ask him again. I even met him before – it's so weird, he was at the museum yesterday and he talked to me- wait, I bet he saw my file already and recognised me! What a tease. But still, he's so cool, and everything's so overwhelming but Rick, I really think I'm going to fit in here and I know I'm not a proper cop yet but I feel like now I might be able to do some good, you know?" She took a deep breath, and heard Rick chuckle on the other end of the line. "Hey, what's funny?"

"Nothing. You. I'm so glad you're having a good day Katie. But you look after yourself, okay?"

"Of course. And thanks for the note, by the way. It was just what I needed when I was going in."

"Always. Will I see you later?"

"I'd love to. Can I come to your place after dinner though? I want to check on Dad and see Lanie after work – wow, it's so fun saying that – but then let's do something."

"What did you have in mind?" Rick asked, and Kate felt her insides turn to jelly at his tone of voice. She caught sight of Royce in the doorway out of the corner of her eye, and blushed, turning to face the phone booth.

"Well," she murmured coyly, "I can think of a few things. But right now I have to go."

"No problem. And just so you know, I will be thinking about them too."

"Great. Love you."

"All day."

Kate tried not to laugh. Or pant. "Good. Bye then," she said cheerily, and put the phone down. She wheeled round to find Royce behind her.

"Boyfriend?" he asked with a smile.

"Yes," Kate answered, trying not to sound too proud and gleeful. She saw that Royce had a wedding ring on his finger, and felt a little relieved. He handed her a cup of coffee, and started telling her even more things she would have to know – she wished she had a notepad to write everything down. When she mentioned this, he laughed.

"Truth is, Beckett, you learn on the job. I can give you tips and tell you the rules until I'm blue in the face, but the way to become a cop is to do it. So, you think you're ready to come see an investigation in action?"


	21. Chapter 21

**_This is it guys - the end! Sorry it took so long._**

**Kate curled up on Rick's couch, leaning her head on his chest. **

"So, honey, how was your first day?"

Kate grinned. "It was amazing. My training officer, he's so smart, and he knows so much. And I'm already working in homicide – I feel like I'm already on the way to really making a difference. On the other hand, I feel so green, so naïve – but I'm ready, ready to learn everything."

"Seems like a good attitude."

Kate smiled again. There was something about Rick's approval – it meant more than approval from anyone else. If he supported her, she just knew she would be fine; she didn't need anything else.

"How was your day?" she asked him, twisting his hair in her fingers and loving that she could do this.

"It was good. I got some writing done."

He smiled down at her. And she looked so happy – she had started a job she loved, she was in a safe relationship, and had friends all around her who would watch her back, even if her family life wasn't perfect.

Kate looked back at him, and for the first time, the knot of pain that had been in her stomach for so many months was gone. She still missed her mother, but she felt like a whole person again. And she knew that whatever challenges were thrown at her, she would get past them, with Rick by her side.

_I decided to end it without the drama. I'm planning to start on something else, right now, but the main bit of this fic was done and there's no point drawing it out with more angst. Thanks, I hope you liked it, I'm sorry I took so long to write the ending. Xox Zanna – and please read my next story, hopefully I will publish the first chapter later tonight._


	22. Chapter 22

_**I decided to end it... and then I changed my mind. I missed it, what can I say? And there is going to be some drama too, because otherwise it'd just be boring.**_

Kate smiled up at Rick, and moved so she was on his lap, straddling him. He chuckled, and put his hands on either side of her face, kissing her softly. She kissed back, slowly becoming more urgent, and began unbuttoning his shirt. He worked on hers at the same time.

"Wow," he muttered, "they really make these police uniforms hard to get out of, don't they?"

Kate laughed. "I'm sure it just takes practice." She helped him with her clothes, and soon they were moving to the bedroom. Kate loved feeling his hands all over her, feeling like she belonged to him. She even liked that no one else had been so intimate with her – she'd thought she would resent her inexperience, but it just made being with Rick feel more special.

Rick could hardly say the same – but being with Kate was different from being with any other woman. She was so honest, and so good, and he was in love with her. She was still quite 'new' to the whole thing, but she was very adventurous nonetheless – she did some things which made him raise his eyebrows (in a good way, of course).

The phone started ringing at a pretty crucial moment. They barely heard it, and it went to voicemail. Kate vaguely registered that it was a woman speaking, but she was far more interested in what Rick was doing.

"Hey, Rick, it's Meredith. I thought you might be in... I really need to talk to you. I know it was my fault, but it's getting on for six months now and I can't cope with this. It's not me. And it's going to be your baby too so-"

Kate pulled away. Rick felt helpless.

"Baby?" she asked, wishing she wasn't so – in the middle of things.

Rick felt as though someone had thrown a bucket of cold water over him.

"Listen, Kate, I can explain..."

Kate pulled the sheet around her to cover herself, suddenly feeling very exposed.

"Go on then – I'm all ears," she said, trying not to jump to conclusions, but terrified of what she was about to find out.

Rick took a deep breath. He could not see this conversation ending well.

"About six months ago, I ended a relationship with a woman named Meredith. I think I told you about her before."

Kate nodded. She vaguely remembered the conversation, in the Chinese restaurant.

"Well, about three months ago, Meredith called me and told me she was pregnant. She said it had to be mine, but that she didn't want us to get back together, that she was seeing someone else now, but he didn't know about the baby. I told her I would be as involved as she wanted me to be. We had a few conversations, and she decided she would break up with her new boyfriend, but she wanted to raise the baby on her own. She didn't want me to have anything to do with it. I argued, I said I never knew my father and I didn't want my kid to go through the same thing. She said okay, I could see the baby, but she wanted to have custody. I thought she would be a good mother, I don't know... I still think she will be. But that message... well it's almost as much news to me as it is to you. I don't know what else to say. Things had been over with her for months before anything started with you, and when I first met you, I had no idea about the baby."

Kate thought about this. "But don't you think the fact that you're going to be a father is something you should tell a person before you- Before you take their virginity?"

She couldn't help being mad at him. She knew deep down that they hadn't known each other all that long – but they had talked so much, she had thought she knew everything about him. He knew everything about her. She felt betrayed, and even though she knew she would forgive him, in that moment, she could hardly bring herself to look at him.

"I was wrong. I should have told you. But I thought I'd hardly see the kid, I had no idea... And I was going to tell you. I was afraid it might put you off me, scare you away. And I just couldn't do that Kate. I love you."

Kate paused before answering. She wanted to be calm. "I love you too. But when you love someone, I know I don't have much past experience, but I think you're supposed to trust them to love you no matter what, and you have to earn their trust by telling them the truth. I know you didn't exactly lie to me, and it's not like I'm ending everything. But I am pretty mad right now. I'm going to take a shower, while you call Meredith. I won't go home, because I don't believe in running away from my problems. And after that, we are going to talk, and you are going to tell me _everything _that I might want to know about you. All your secrets. Because you do not want to be a problem for me Rick. I am not friendly when I deal with my problems."

Rick hid his sigh of relief, because he knew it would just make her angrier. She was perfect, though. He felt awful, and so guilty – and she was being so good about it. He would make it up to her. He would show her she could trust him.

Kate left the room, standing tall all the way to the bathroom. She stepped into the shower, knowing everything she had said had been totally right, and totally reasonable. And then she burst into tears.

_So, you know the drill - thanks so much for reading, please review. Hugs and loveballs, Z xxx_


	23. Chapter 23

**She was only nineteen, **for God's sake! Okay, nearly twenty, but still! And Rick wasn't that much older than her. She tried to replay the phone message in her head, but she couldn't remember anything – just that it had told her Rick was going to be a Dad. She wondered what he was saying to Meredith. She couldn't imagine herself in his situation – if she had been pregnant, she was sure she would have told him. But she couldn't have been, because she had never had sex with anyone else.

_You didn't tell him that_, said the annoying little voice in her head that never knew when to shut up. It wasn't the same, she thought angrily, as she washed her hair with the cherry shampoo she now kept at the loft. She knew she was going to forgive him, but he should have told her!

His bathrobe was hanging on the door. She dried herself, and put it on. She liked wearing it; even when she was mad at him, she liked feeling like she belonged to him. She went into the main room – he was sitting on the couch, still on the phone. She didn't want to listen, so she went back into the bedroom. He had made the bed. She lay down and closed her eyes, trying to let her anger ebb away.

Rick was frantic when he dialled Meredith. He didn't even bother to listen to the rest of the message – and he had barely heard the beginning. She answered on the second ring.

"Rick?"

"Yeah, Meredith, it's me. Why did you call?"

He heard her take a deep breath on the other end of the phone. "It's about the baby. I'm six months along now and... I just don't think I can do it. It's wearing me down already and the baby isn't even born yet! I'm not coping, Rick."

Rick sighed. "Look, Meredith, this is one thing I can't do for you. You're pregnant, millions of women cope with it, you'll be fine."

"I know, I'll get through the pregnancy. But... after it's born, I don't want it. I don't want the baby. And it's not going up for adoption either, that's horrible. And what if the story got out – famous actress' baby brought up by strangers? Anyway, so I was thinking, you could take it. You don't do anything, really-"

Rick let out a frustrated laugh. Firstly, he was way more famous than her. Secondly, _he _didn't do anything?

"Meredith, I don't think that would work. When you told me, you said you hadn't before because I might say get rid of it, or I might try to get us back together. And that's true. I believe kids should have stable families. Are you saying you want nothing to do with this baby?"

"Well I'm going to go through the birth, aren't I? And carrying the damn thing around for nine months, losing my figure..."

Rick sighed again. Deep down, he knew he would agree, largely because it would be so unethical to let any child be brought up by Meredith. Not that he knew anything about being a father, or that he thought he would be a particularly good one. But he would at least want the child, and love them.

"Okay. Of course I'll look after it if you don't want to. You know you've always been in charge. But what happens if you change your mind?"

Meredith laughed. "Ricky, that is not going to happen. Thanks – you always were so obliging. I'll call you, with the due date and stuff."

"Right. Talk to you soon then," he said, and hung up. He had seen Kate come in wearing his bathrobe, but she had gone again. He went through to the bedroom, and saw her lying on the bed. He wondered if she was asleep. He lay down beside her, and took her hand. She didn't pull away. That either meant she wasn't so mad at him any more, or she actually was sleeping.

"Hello," she said quietly. "I know I said sit down, but you can talk to me here if you want."

Rick smiled, which was lost on Kate because her eyes were closed.

"I'm so sorry to put you through this honey," he said slowly. "I really didn't think I'd be having much to do with the baby, and Meredith is so rarely in contact with me, I didn't want to tell you right away in case you got the wrong idea."

"You're speaking in the past tense," Kate noticed, already a detective. "Why? What's changed?"

Rick took a deep breath. "Everything. Or nothing – she might change her mind again. But that message, and that conversation, were about her wanting me to have sole custody of the baby once it's born."

Kate thought about this. She thought Rick would make a good father – but a baby? "What do you want?" she asked him.

"I don't know. The baby... it was all Meredith's idea. She didn't tell me. She stopped using birth control, and didn't tell me – she got pregnant on purpose. A month later we broke up – I had no idea... And when she called me, she told me she didn't want me to have anything to do with the child anyway, that it was hers, not ours, and she knew she had used me but I was cute and smart and she wanted it to have my genes. So now... it's very much a surprise. I wanted to be in the kid's life, but she'd made it very clear that she was going to be the one looking after it. And I... I don't know if I'm ready to have a child. And then there's you – more than anything, I want to be with you."

Kate thought for a long time. "I don't think anyone's really ready to have a child. But you grow into it. I think you'll make a good father. What I'm worried about is, what happens to me? Even if you're okay with us being together when you have a kid, what about Meredith? Will she mind if there's another woman bringing up her child?"

Rick answered by pulling Kate into a hug. "Nothing," he whispered in her ear, "Nothing is going to break us apart. If Meredith sticks to what she just told me, I am going to be a father, and you can be as close or as far from being a mother as you want. I think it'd be great for this child to have a stable, two parent family. But I also know that this has been sprung on you from out of the blue, and it's totally up to you. I'd understand if... If you wanted to..."

He couldn't even bring himself to say it. _If she wanted to leave him_.

**_So, thanks for reading folks. Please review, more soon. Hugs and loveballs, Z xxx_**


	24. Chapter 24

**Kate wondered what she would do. **The baby wouldn't be born for another three months. Could she get used to the idea by then? She liked children, she had always seen herself as a mother some day.

And that was when she realised what was wrong. It wasn't that Rick was going to have a child. It was that Rick wasn't going to have her child – and she wasn't going to have his. Perhaps it was naïve and idealistic. She wondered what Rick would think if she told him.

"I'm not going to leave," she said, placing her hand on his. "And if we're still together in three months, and you're still having a baby, I want to be part of that. Properly."

Rick looked at her. That wasn't what he'd expected – but Kate had never done what he expected. She seemed to really mean it. He had thought she would be afraid of looking after a baby. Instead, she seemed to want it, and was more afraid that she wouldn't be allowed to be as involved as she wanted to be.

He held her eyes with his, and nodded.

"Okay. If I have this baby, we have to have it. I'll talk to Meredith – it'll be yours too."

Kate smiled, happy that he agreed. She wasn't angry any more. She was mainly just tired and worried. She'd had to think so much. She lay back on the bed, and snuggled closer to Rick. Leaning on his shoulder, she tried to drift off to sleep. It didn't work. She knew he wasn't sleeping either. After about half an hour of her mind running round in circles, she whispered,

"Rick?"

"Yes, Katie," he answered, a little bit nervously.

"Are we going to have a baby?" She sounded like she was asking permission to be excited – she was nervous, but she wanted to be happy.

"Yes, Kate, I think we are."

There was a long pause, during which Rick almost asked more than once whether Kate was okay. Finally, she smiled.

"Good," she said, and relaxed against him. It had been a long day.

Kate closed her eyes, and saw a baby. It was in a woman's arms, her arms – she could see herself. Then she realised it wasn't her, it was her mother, but her mother when she was young. She went over, to see them both. But before she could reach them, her mother collapsed. Kate rushed over, but she was too late. Blood was pouring out of her mother's chest. She lifted up the baby, and gasped. Its blanket feel away, and revealed that it was bleeding too. She cradled it, it was still alive, but it was dying and she couldn't save it. She screamed, and opened her eyes to see Rick looking at her panic stricken.

"Katie?" he said. She didn't answer – she was going to be sick! She dashed into the bathroom, gesturing for him not to follow, but he ignored her. He held back her hair – it reminded her of when they first met, back in LA. When she was done, he wiped her face, scooped her up in his arms, and took her back to bed, where he cradled her gently, kissing her on the forehead. She felt drained, she wanted to tell him to at least let her go brush her teeth, but she just didn't have the energy. And she felt safe.

She cried quietly into his chest. She was making his sleep tee wet, but he didn't seem to notice. When she had stopped crying, he asked her what had happened.

"I thought you'd stopped having the dreams," he said, with a pained expression.

"Me too," she said slowly. "It's probably because I had a stressful day, that's all. Don't worry about it."

"I'm going to worry, Kate."

She looked into his eyes, and smiled. It was hard, but she managed to feel really happy. Her dream hadn't been real – and she really was with him.

"Look, all better," she said. She wanted to kiss him, but she needed to brush her teeth. She said as much, and he laughed. He let her go, and she cleaned herself up in the bathroom. She walked back into the bedroom, where he was sitting right where she'd left him. She got back on his lap, and kissed him for all she was worth. Something about him holding her... she didn't know. She just wanted to have some fun now.

Soon he was on top of her, and the bath robe and t-shirt were on the floor. He looked at her beautiful hair splayed out on the pillow, and without thinking, said,

"Somehow I always feel like I'm taking advantage of you,"

Kate paused. "That's a bit of a mood killer, Ricky. But okay – how about I take advantage of you?"

She pushed him off her. Swinging around so she was on top. She bent down and kissed him, taking hold of his wrists and pinning his arms up behind his head. He smiled under her mouth. She really did feel better.

Kate sighed, turning off the alarm. She had to go home and get ready for work. Rick got up too.

"I don't know about you, but _I _slept much better after that." He winked at her. She grinned, and nodded in agreement. She showered at his – his shower was just cool – and put on some of his sweats, collecting her uniform from the day before. He followed her to the door, and offered to take her home.

"I can get a cab – I don't mind."

"I do," he said simply, and grabbed his car keys and wallet.

They got into the car, and Kate leaned on Rick's shoulder. She thought she'd be desperate for her second day at work, but honestly, she wished she could hang out with Rick all day instead. They got to her apartment, and to her surprise he parked the car and followed her upstairs. She didn't argue though. She went straight to her room. Her father was passed out on the couch. She hoped Rick hadn't really registered that.

Rick hadn't been in her bedroom before. It was still a kid's room. He looked around, smiling at all the pictures of a high school girl and her friends. There was even a spelling bee certificate. Kate put her dirty clothes in the hamper, and got a clean uniform out of the cupboard. She draped it over a chair, and plugged in her hair dryer, picking the brush up from her nightstand.

"Want me to do that for you?" Rick asked. Kate looked at him, stunned. She had never met a guy who offered to dry and brush her hair. He took the dryer and brush from her, and moved her desk chair into the middle of the room. He motioned for her to sit down, and began to dry her hair. It was so relaxing, Kate was in danger of going back to sleep. When her hair was dry, Rick carried on brushing, so her hair was even more smooth and soft than usual.

"How do you wear it for work?" he asked.

Kate sighed. "I have to put it up. Hold on," she began to get out of the chair, but Rick sat her back down. He looked around the room, and quickly found an elastic. He gently twisted her hair back into a neat roll behind her head.

"Okay, all done."

She turned around and grinned at him. "Aren't you going to dress me too?"

He laughed, and picked up the uniform, making a face as he looked at.

"If I were in charge of dressing cops, they would not look like this." He threw the uniform at her, and she put it on, unashamedly changing as he watched. She wasn't really putting on a show, she told herself, because she was putting clothes on, not taking them off. Rick, noticing the same thing, tried to ignore the twinge below his belt as he watched. When she was done, she put on her hat. Rick shook his head. He went up to her, and tapped it so it was at a jaunty angle. Kate laughed, and set it straight again. She checked the time.

"I've still got half an hour before I have to leave."

"I'll go make you a coffee."

He knew her so well. And she did know him. She thought she understood, about the baby thing. Although she hadn't exactly had an uninterrupted night's sleep, looking at it with fresh eyes in the morning had made her feel much better about it. She straightened everything out in her room, and Rick returned with coffee. He put the two mugs beside the bed, sat on it – she knew he wanted her to sit leaning on him. She did, and passed him his coffee. They sat there in companionable silence, Rick stroking her shoulder with his free hand.

"This is what it'll be like," he murmured.

"What what'll be like?" she asked.

"When we live together," he said without thinking. Kate smiled. She liked that he'd said it. She knew if she turned around, she'd see the fear on his face that he'd slipped big time. He had nothing to worry about.

"Yeah," she said. "This is what it'll be like."

_Thanks for reading, please review :D love and hugs, Z xxx_


	25. Chapter 25

**_Here is the next chapter, I hope you like it. Thanks for reading, please review._**

**Rick took Kate to work**, and no matter how excited she was, she wished she could stay with him all day instead.

"Maybe I should be a cop too," Rick joked.

"They'd never let you be a cop," Kate laughed.

Rick pretended to be hurt.

"So cruel, Katie. Have a great day, okay? Look after yourself."

"Thanks," Kate smiled, "I will."

"Seriously, if it looks at all dangerous, just push someone else in front of you. We'll deal with the aftermath later."

"Right. I gotta go. You have a great day too,"

She got out of the car, and Rick watched her walk inside the precinct. He knew she'd be a great cop – she was probably better than most of the cops in there already. He drove home, thinking he would get out his laptop and do some writing, then go out and buy some food to make an exciting dinner for Kate.

But when he arrived, there was someone waiting on his doorstep.

"Meredith? What are you doing here? I thought you were still in LA."

"No, I came back a couple of weeks ago. The job finished. And no one wants me to work now I look like this."

She looked down at her bulging, pregnant belly.

"Why are you here?" Rick asked, wishing she would disappear so he could go in and get on with his simple plan for the day.

Meredith dug in her bag, and produced a wad of legal looking papers.

"I want you to read these, and sign them."

"What are they?"

"They're something that means you can't back out of this baby thing. My lawyer's waiting in the car – I didn't want to freak you out by having him with me to start with. Basically they say that the kid is yours, and nothing to do with me, and if you crash and burn like I'm sure you will, you're still not getting any of my money."

Rick nodded. "Okay. If I sign, will you finally leave me alone?"

Meredith smiled. "You'll only see me again when you come to get the baby."

"And are you sure?" Rick asked, trying to see past the flirty, cheeky image that Meredith always tried to project.

"Positive. I don't want a baby."

Rick thought hard. "Look, I'll sign it. But are you sure you won't even want to see it? Even when the kid's older?"

"We'll cross that bridge when we come to it. I guess I might be able to spare a day or two. But no joint custody, and none of my money. And I won't have to – I just can if I want."

Rick wondered if there were any mothers quite like Meredith. She really didn't seem to have any affection towards this child.

"Okay. Tell your lawyer to come on up."

He began to scan through the papers, but he read something and had a thought.

"Are you and your lawyer still around this evening?"

"Yeah, why?"

Rick had seen something about sole custody, and realised that if he was going to be with Kate, really, he would want joint custody with her. He'd have to ask her about it – it was so soon. They'd thought they would have three months to see how things went before they really decided. He hoped she'd understand.

"Well, I was wondering if we could change the custody thing. I have a steady girlfriend, and we've talked about this. It wasn't anything like how we'd planned to do things, but she's going to be a part of my life, I hope forever. We're thinking of moving in together, we practically live together anyway. And I think she should have custody too – I'd like her to be the baby's mother, if you really don't want to be."

Meredith was surprised. She had never thought of Rick as the settling down type. She wondered what this girl was like – she must be something pretty special for him to give up the bachelor status that he took so much pride in. Something made her want to disagree.

"I don't know, Rick. I'd have to think about it."

"Look, it's just the same. Even if she wasn't the legal mother, she would be the mother anyway. And it's not like I asked for this – you're the one who just turned up at my apartment wanting to sign away your baby."

Meredith thought hard. "Can we wait? Can I meet her?"

Rick sighed. "Okay. How about this – send your lawyer home, forget the signing for now. And stay here, and have dinner with Kate and me this evening."

After a pause, Meredith nodded. She put the papers back in her bag, and called her lawyer.

"I didn't think you'd be the one having to convince me," she said as Rick opened his door.

"Well, life is full of things we didn't think would happen. It'd be dead boring otherwise. You want to come in?"

"No. I have some shopping to do. I'll see you back here at, say, seven?"

Rick managed to conceal his relief. "Sure. Bye, then."

He resisted the temptation to slam the door. That woman was crazy. She'd got pregnant on purpose, he couldn't understand why she was now so desperate to get rid of the baby. Probably just extreme laziness. Or a guy. Or a job. Or maybe she just changed her mind, like she always did, and had come up with a new plan to create havoc and problems for other people.

Kate went back to Rick's apartment after work feeling tired and ready for a cosy, relaxing evening with her boyfriend. She knocked on the door, and he opened it for her, with a worried look on his face that he was trying to hide.

"What's wrong, Rick?" she asked, instantly worried too.

"Nothing," he lied.

She gave him a _look_. He sighed.

"Meredith showed up, while you were at work. She wanted me to sign something... and then she found out about you, and she got all weird... I thought she should meet you. It was going to happen sooner or later. But I said we'd have dinner together."

_You could have warned me, _Kate thought, trying not to get mad. He could have called her at work. She wished he hadn't invited Meredith – she wasn't very old, and she sometimes felt very naïve – but she knew adopting another woman's baby was a pretty big deal, and she'd have liked to have some time to think and prepare before meeting the woman whose baby she was basically planning to take.

"Is she here now?" she muttered.

Rick shook his head. "She'll be here soon though."

"What, exactly, did you tell her about me?"

"I said I wanted you to be the baby's mother."

_She's going to hate me before even meeting me_, Kate thought, but she smiled bravely, knowing Rick had meant to be nice.

"Thanks. What are we giving her for dinner?" she asked.

"I'm making pasta," Rick said, worried that all was not well with his girlfriend. But she wasn't letting anything on.

"I'll go get changed," she said, and went through to his bedroom. Once there, she wondered what the hell she was going to wear. The only clothes she had at Rick's were pyjamas, lingerie, police uniform, and she discovered one little outfit in his closet she'd worn out to dinner with him and forgotten to take home. It was a short, low hanging black skirt – Lanie had chosen it, Kate thought it was more like a belt than a skirt. But it was between that and sweat pants. She was not going to have this dinner in her work clothes – she needed to seem prepared, even if she wasn't.

She looked through Rick's closet again, wondering what to do with her top half. After a bit of deliberating, she decided on a dark red shirt of his, with her nicest lacy black bra. The top she'd worn to the date would have been a more obvious choice, but on closer inspection she found it was completely ripped down the back seem.

She tied Rick's shirt at the bottom, showing off a bit of her flat stomach. She thought about changing it, but decided not to – so what if Meredith was a bit jealous? She was twenty, she could be a bit bitchy if she wanted.

Twenty. And she was going to be a mother. She saw herself in the mirror, and wondered how this could possibly be allowed. Oh well, if Meredith saw her and decided to keep the kid, she and Rick could always have one of their own.

She wondered what had gotten into her. Was she jealous? _So what if I am_? She thought. He was the one who'd invited his ex to dinner without even warning her! She put on the limited jewellery she had at his place, and was relieved to find she had some mascara in her purse. She didn't have any shoes... She thought about it, and decided to go barefoot – it would make it seem like she really lived there. She couldn't believe some of the thoughts that were coming into her head, but she liked them too.

She walked into the dining room, oozing with confidence. Yesterday, she would have been a bit self conscious about how short the skirt was. But today she didn't even care. She walked over to Rick, silent because of her lack of shoes, and slipped his arm around his waist.

"Wow," he breathed. "That was quite a transformation."

Kate grinned, knowing he was watching her mouth. She let her tongue peep through her teeth at him, reminding him of what else she did with it. She felt him shudder.

"Are you serving wine with the food?" she asked.

Rick thought about it. "Meredith's pregnant. And you're underage."

"Meredith doesn't know I'm underage," Kate commented breezily, watching Rick out of the corner of her eye to gage his reaction.

Rick answered slowly. "No..."

"And it'd be normal for a couple like us to drink wine with our meal – if I were a bit older," Kate continued.

Rick saw where she was going. "Some cop you are. Sure. I'll open a bottle of red," he said, marvelling at how she could wind him round her little finger so easily, and also at how he loved every second of it. He poured her a small glass. She pouted like a five year old, which made him laugh. She laughed too, and gave in – she knew she was pushing her luck. He poured himself a glass the same size – she noticed, and smiled. At least he was fair.

She took a sip, enjoying it. It was much better than anything she'd had before – she'd never had rich people wine. She hopped up on the counter to watch Rick cook. When he was done, and the pasta and sauce were simmering gently, he went over to her and put his hands on her hips.

"I think I can see what kind of mood you're in. So when I ask you to be nice, I think you'll understand?"

Kate pretended to be shocked. "I don't know what you mean, Mr Castle," she said, but she winked at him, and nodded okay. As if on cue, there was a knock at the door.

**_What can I say? Kate needed some sass - and I wrote it listening to Lily Allen...Fuck you, fuck you very very much (not you, it's a song :P) Now write that review or you'll have Kate to deal with! Hugs and loveballs, Z xxx_**


	26. Chapter 26

_**Sorry! As was rightfully noticed by a guest, Kate was 20 at the start and seemed to slip back to 19 in the last chapter. I was just testing you ;D Thanks very much for pointing it out, I hope all is now fixed – she should be 20. (If you didn't read it til after I fixed it, you never saw this - of course I am perfect, my stories never have continuity problems =P)**_

_**Thanks for reading, as always, and please review. Also, thanks for all the lovely comments - it means so much to me! Hugs and loveballs, Z xxx**_

**Kate hopped off the counter. **

"I'll get it," she said, wearing the smile of someone who was planning to 'be nice' for all she was worth.

She minced over to the door, knowing Rick's eyes were glued to her ass. She grinned to herself, then opened the door.

"Hey, you must be Meredith. I'm Kate – it's... interesting to meet you," she said in a sincere, friendly tone.

"Hi," said Meredith. Usually full of bounce and sparkle, she was worn down. Shopping was far more tiring when you were carrying another person around, even a tiny one. She was almost bowled over by Kate's friendly smile, but she did her best to return it. She was dressed nicely, but her pregnant belly was now her defining feature, and she was painfully aware of Kate's bare midrif – and the way Rick was looking at it.

Kate led Meredith into the dining area, where Rick had laid the table already.

"Would you like a drink?" she asked, playing the perfect hostess.

"Uhm, just a glass of water would be great," said Meredith, awkwardly lowering herself into a chair. Kate smiled brightly, and stepped around the counter to the refrigerator, getting a bottle of water and pouring it into a glass. She picked up her own glass of wine and carried them both to the table, handing Meredith her drink and sitting down opposite her. Rick busied himself in the kitchen, trying to tell himself he wasn't hiding.

Kate made her friendliest small talk, knowing it was a seriously awkward situation for Meredith. After a while, when Rick had served the dinner, Meredith had a chance to ask her own questions.

"So, Kate, uhm, do you work?"

Kate smiled. "Yes, for the NYPD."

Rick had to shove a large spoonful of pasta in his mouth to stop himself from laughing – Kate had said it like she was a detective or something – or at least like she'd been working there for a while. And Meredith totally bought it.

"And, what are your hobbies?" Meredith continued.

"I like to exercise – I go to the gym, sometimes with Rick. I like reading, and movies. And, I mean, we do a lot of things together, just normal, boring, couple things, you know?"

Meredith nodded. Honestly, she had no idea what these ordinary, boring, couple things were – unless they were sex. Once she'd had that thought, and seen the twinkle in Rick's eye as he looked at Kate, she was sure her hunch was right.

She wondered what to do about the baby. She just wasn't sure. She heard stories of women hating being pregnant, but then loving the child once it was born. And Kate was...well, she was young and gorgeous, and she seemed clever and funny and nice... But she wasn't the baby's mother. And the thought of giving her child away, when Kate already had Rick, suddenly seemed like too much. She knew Rick wanted to know the child, and she realised she would have to comply with that. But she had gotten pregnant on purpose, and-

"Oh my god, Rick, Kate, the baby just kicked!"

Meredith put her hand on her stomach, grinning from ear to ear. They smiled with her, and when she explained what she had been thinking, they didn't take it as badly as she'd thought they might have done.

"I'm so sorry I've put you to all this trouble," she said again as they showed her out.

"Oh, no, really, it was a pleasure to meet you," Kate said kindly. Rick looked at her enquiringly, but said nothing. He'd ask her later.

She closed the door with a satisfying swing. When it was shut, Rick turned round and leaned on it, facing her.

"So what was that about?"

Kate looked at him blankly.

"Come on, Katie, we both know you were acting... differently tonight. What's up?"

"I don't know, _Ricky_, maybe being a cop has given me a bit more confidence. I didn't want her to think I was a total wet blanket."

"The normal you isn't one either. And I find her slightly less intimidating. Wait, are you mad at me?"

Kate narrowed her eyes. "Only a little bit."

"What did I do?" He genuinely had no idea. She sighed.

"Nothing. You could have warned me, that's all. I was a bit nervous about meeting your ex."

"If that was you nervous, I don't know whether to be very glad or very worried that you're now protecting the city I live in."

"Don't be either. And it wasn't – I was nervous before. I didn't want her to think I was nervous – I didn't want her to think I had anything to be nervous about."

"Well you seem to have fooled me too – what were you nervous about? Wait... are you jealous?"

He almost laughed. She wanted to hit him. She raised her voice a little, not so she was shouting, but so he got the idea that she meant what she was saying.

"Yeah, Rick, you know what, I was nervous. She's you age, you were with her first, she's not all needy and sad all the time, she's having your baby! I... I sort of depend on you. I don't want to say 'I need you' but maybe I do. I know I _want _you around as much as possible. I-"

Rick cut her off with a kiss. It was a long one. He slid his hands up her thigh and over the skirt, then under the baggy shirt. He pulled her closer to him, and growled in her ear.

"I have wanted to do that, constantly, since you walked to the door waving your butt in my face. Kate, you have nothing to worry about. Not a thing. I love _you_. Got it?"

Kate grinned – his hands hadn't stopped, even if his mouth had stopped kissing her to speak. She put her hands on his shoulders and jumped, wrapping her legs around his waist.

"Got it," she answered, kissing his neck as he carried her to the bedroom.

They both knew that they would have to talk about the baby stuff – but they had both been hoping things would be different. Now, they didn't have a time frame. They could take things slow, they could relax. And Rick would still see the baby. Anyway, that conversation, and the washing up, could wait.

Very early the next morning, they stood in the kitchen, doing the washing up. Kate was wearing Rick's shirt. Rick was wearing his bathrobe, loving that it still smelled of just-showered Kate. She washed, he dried, and they tried to avoid talking. Kate knew one of them would have to bite the bullet eventually. She nominated herself – as it was clear Rick wasn't going to.

"It seems weird – now that we've talked through all the baby stuff and got used to the idea, not to be actually having one."

Rick, relieved, nodded. "Yeah. But at least we know where we stand."

"That's the thing know. We've basically moved this relationship on about three months, simply by finding out where we stand."

"Is that so bad?" Rick asked.

"No. It's...nice. I was just thinking about it, last night."

"I wasn't," Rick said, with a playful smile on his face. Kate flicked some water at him. He laughed loudly.

"Oh, so we're going to play that game, are we. Are you sure you want to take me on?"

Kate filled a pot with water, her hands hidden by the soap bubbles.

"Positive," she said gleefully. As soon as Rick stepped towards her, she drenched him with the water from the pot. He stood still, dripping.

"Should've seen that coming," he said slowly. Then he suddenly darted forwards and grabbed her around the waist, trapping her. "Just like you should've seen this!" He squeezed her tight, so she was soon soaked with the water she'd just poured over him. She giggled, and he slid his hands under the shirt again.

"I like you in my shirts," he said when they were lying on the couch afterwards.

"Why?" she asked dreamily. She was lying on her front beside him, up on one elbow, playing with his hair with her other hand.

"Easy access," he answered with a grin.

She swatted him playfully. "Well I like you in nothing. Clothes just don't suit you."

"Charming as that is, it's December. And I'm cold."

She pulled the blanket that was over them more properly round him, and snuggled closer.

"That better?"

"I want to say yes – but aren't you supposed to be going to work?"

**_Remember, Kate is watching you - and she wants you to review =P. Thanks so much for reading, I hope there'll be more very soon. Xox_**


	27. Chapter 27

**Kate scrambled up off the sofa **to the sound of Rick's laughter. She pulled on some sweats and threw his pants at him, which he held up.

"Why are you throwing clothes at me?"

"Because you have to take me to my apartment – my uniform is there!"

Rick grinned. "But I like you so much better like that."

Kate glared at him. She was currently wearing nothing but grey sweatpants, hunting for her bra under the bed. She found it, and put it on triumphantly. Now all she needed was a shirt. She looked at Rick, then lifted his favourite batman cartoon shirt from his drawer. He hadn't washed it since he'd worn it last – it smelled like him. And a bit like alcohol. She grinned.

"Can we go now?"

Rick picked up his keys. He was still shirtless and barefoot, but he walked out of the door. Kate would have said something, but she didn't want to ruin the moment. And he had such nice abs.

Rick was glad the Ferrari had great climate control. He turned up the heat to its highest setting. Kate fanned herself.

"You'll make me want to go topless too," she said.

"A man can dream," Rick answered, speeding through the Manhattan streets. All too soon they got to her place.

"I have to come up so you can give me my shirt back," he said as she was about to tell him to stay in the car.

"Fine. But don't slow me down. I have to be _at _work in half an hour, and it takes 15 minutes to get there."

"I'll drive you,"

"Then it'll take twenty minutes!" Rick laughed as she ran through the apartment. Lanie was eating breakfast in the kitchen.

"Well, hello, Kate's hot boyfriend!" she said into her cereal.

"Hi, I'm Rick."

"I know," she said to him. "But I was commenting on your hotness. And the fact that it's blindingly obvious you too uh... lost track of time this morning."

Rick grinned. "We could've just slept in."

"With Kate's insomnia? I don't buy it."

Rick laughed again, and called out to Kate, "Honey, you should bring me round here more often – I love hanging out with Lanie."

Lanie laughed and put her now-empty bowl in the sink.

"She'll be here this evening – she owes me dinner. And I'm guessing you won't have somewhere better to be?"

"See you later then," Rick said as Kate charged out of her room, looking bright as a new pin in her police uniform. She threw Rick's shirt at him with a quick smile, and drank the coffee that Lanie pointed at on the counter. Rick pulled on the shirt.

"Ready?" he asked.

"Almost," Kate said breathlessly, and stepped in towards him. She leaned up and kissed him. Her mouth was hot from the coffee – his tasted cold and soothing. Reluctantly he pulled away after a few wonderful seconds.

"Come on babe, or you really will be late."

They ran out of the door, calling goodbye to Lanie. Kate had been in her father's room. He had been passed out, fully dressed, on the bed. She wished her father could be someone like Royce – someone responsible, someone doing something good for the community, helping other people, not being selfish. Sometimes she felt like her father was more dead than her mother.

Rick saw she was looking quite solemn.

"You alright?" he asked her, putting his hand on her knee as he drove. She put her hand on his and squeezed it.

"Yeah. Just thinking about my Dad."

"Will I meet him tonight? Lanie told me we're eating at your place."

"Oh, shit, I forgot, I promised her! Do you mind? I'm sorry."

"Not at all – I think Lanie's amazing."

"She is," Kate said with a laugh. "I don't know if Dad'll be there. On his bad days he starts drinking at about midday."

"He's crazy," Rick muttered, more to himself than to her. "If I had a daughter like you, no matter what had happened, I'd be there for her. Doesn't he realise you need to support each other?"

Kate smiled weakly at Rick. "Thanks. But grief does awful things to him. The way I cope with it is, I don't think the man who's sick I clean up, whose job I call to say he can't go, is the same man whose shoulders I rode on when I was growing up. And I hope, when he's reading, the man I knew before will come back, and I'll have my father again. But I have a horrible feeling I lost him the day we buried Mom."

Rick thought she looked desolate. He didn't know what to say.

"I never knew my father," he eventually managed. "I don't think my mother even knows who he was. I used to lie awake wondering if I was the son of an astronaut, or a pirate, or maybe a musical genius, or a famous actor. But the truth is, I'm the product of a drunken one night stand, and an idiot who didn't wear a rubber. And now when I think about it, the men who've been my role models are great, and it doesn't matter that they're not my Dad. You love your parents because they're your parents. But you can look up to people, and behave like people you respect. They don't have to be the same. Sorry, that came out so jumbled – do you get what I mean?"

They were at the precinct. "Yeah," Kate answered, and smiled. "I do."

She was stuck doing paperwork that day, because Royce was on a case but the detective in charge didn't want any extra uniforms.

"If I brought you, you'd just be stuck at the door telling people they couldn't come in," he had said apologetically, before handing her over to Esposito and Ryan, who were already in the records room. She'd talked to them at the academy, and got on well. Espo was just teasing Ryan about his girlfriend, Jenny, Kate thought she picked up.

"...she's got you totally whipped, man, and you've only been going out three months. You can't ask her to move in with you – then you'll never be free.

"But I love her. Isn't that what you do when you love someone?"

"Love her? Ryan, you're twenty-one. You're only just allowed to drink. You cannot possibly be in love."

"You're only twenty-one too – how do you know so such about it?"

"Look – uhm, Beckett, right?"

"Yeah," Kate answered, sifting through the files she had to put away.

"Right, Beckett – do you have a boyfriend."

Kate nodded. "Of course you do," Espo continued, "You're smoking. Guy can't catch a break. Anyway, how long have you been with him?"

"About two months. And thanks."

"No problem. So you've been going out two months. Has he asked you to move in?"

Kate laughed. _No, but we were going to adopt a baby together. _She shook her head.

"Okay. How often do you stay over with him?"

Kate blushed. "Every night then?"

Then she had an idea. "I know if he should ask her."

They both look surprised. Espo spoke up. "Okay then – how do you know?"

"Does she stay over even when you don't sleep together?"

"What would be the point in that?" Esposito asked, elbowing his friend. But Ryan grinned. "Yeah, she does."

Kate smiled. "Then I think you should ask her."

Espo looked at her. "I want to meet your boyfriend. I think he's more whipped than Ryan."

They had to get on with the work they'd been given after that, but their cheerful banter continued. Kate hoped she got to work with them some more. On her lunch break, she called Lanie, who was writing a paper so wasn't in class. She'd had an idea.

"Would you mind if we had some people round to dinner on Saturday?"

"Who?" Lanie asked curiously.

"These two other cops who started at the same time as me. One of them has a girlfriend – I'd invite her too. And Rick, and maybe my training officer?"

"Sounds great," Lanie answered. "And you said just one of them has a girlfriend. What's the other one like?"

"He's cute. His name's Javier Esposito. I think he's pretty funny. It'll be nice that you're there – I think he feels a bit lost when Ryan, the other one, is with his girlfriend. The two boys are really close."

"Sounds great," Lanie said, smiling. "Well, I'd better get back to my paper. See you later, okay. By the way, what time's Rick coming?"

"He's picking me up from work – I think we'll be home around six-thirty."

"You can hardly call this home, Kate – you've slept here about twice in the last month!"

Kate giggled. "Well, Rick lives alone, so it's simpler if we just stay there."

Lanie laughed. "I don't think he'll be living alone for much longer, honey."

Kate smiled to herself. She hoped Lanie was right. But then again, even if Rick did ask, she would probably have to say no. She couldn't just leave Lanie with her Dad. The way things were, she was going home and checking on him every morning, and usually she was there in the evening too. She wished she could talk to her Dad, and find the man she knew was somewhere in there.

Ryan and Esposito both seemed very keen on her dinner idea – Esposito especially, after he found out about Lanie. Kate took their numbers in case they didn't meet before Saturday, and they arranged to arrive at seven.

Kate couldn't wait for the end of the day after lunch – she'd coped with a morning sorting through papers, but she wanted to be a detective – this was just mindless filing. She tried to be as efficient as possible, but she found herself staring at the clock constantly.

At six, she practically hurtled out of the door and into Rick's arms. He kissed her, and when he noticed Ryan and Esposito watching, he kissed her even harder. Kate knew what he was doing but she didn't care – she liked belonging to him.

_**I thought it was time Rick had some guy friends. What do you think? Thanks for reading, please review. If you review I update faster, inspired by your comments ;D. Lots of love and hugs, Z xxx**_


	28. Chapter 28

_**I'm dedicating this chapter to Stana Katic, because she is perfect, wonderful, and sweet. Thanks for reading xox**_

**It was Saturday night. Kate scurried around, cleaning everything again. **Lanie watched her, smiling.

"It's already clean, honey."

Kate nodded, but didn't stop. She'd never had guests round as a grown-up before – and her mother always liked everything to be clean. Rick appeared from the bathroom with a towel around his waist.

"Shower's free, Kate."

"Okay," she said, straightening the cushions on the couch for the tenth time.

"You know," said Rick as he walked up behind her and put a hand on her shoulder, "you've only invited guys. They aren't going to notice."

She leaned against him. "But I will. I don't know. I just..."

"You want it to go well. That's totally understandable. But you don't need to worry – it will go well. What you need to do is go get in the shower and get ready. Okay?"

Kate smiled. "Okay."

Rick walked her to the bathroom, then went to get dressed. He'd been staying with Kate for a few days – he'd suggested it because she'd been worried about her Dad, and about leaving him with Lanie. Rick had still barely seen Jim – he didn't do anything with his daughter. He was hardly ever in the house – and when he was, he was drunk.

He had gone out again. Kate had asked him to stay in and eat with them, but he had refused. Rick knew Kate was upset about it, but he didn't really know what to do. Kate's training officer wasn't coming either – he had been touched that Kate asked, but said he thought they'd have more fun with just the young people. Kate had tried to persuade him, and he had finally agreed to bring his wife out to dinner with her and Rick the next week.

Kate showered quickly, keeping her hair dry, then she put on a rusty red dress, brown boots, and a gold necklace. She put her hair up, letting curly tendrils hang around her cheeks, and didn't bother with make up. She came out into the living room, where Rick and Lanie were sitting. When he saw her, Rick had to catch his breath. Kate saw his face.

"What?" she asked, looking at herself, worried.

"You look... Like a woman. Like a lady. Like perfection," he said, getting up and walking towards her as he spoke. She smiled, her face lighting up, her eyes twinkling. He kissed her softly on the lips, and Lanie, who would normally have made some kind of comment, just smiled. _So they really love each other_, she thought.

Ryan and Jenny arrived soon after. Jenny was sweet and charming, and settled easily into conversation with Kate and Lanie. Rick grinned at Ryan.

"I don't think we'll get them back until dinner now," he commented, as the girls migrated to the kitchen. "I'm Rick, Kate's boyfriend."

"I know – I've heard a lot about you."

"Good things, I hope," Rick winked.

Ryan smiled. "Very good things."

Esposito arrived, and he, Rick and Ryan were soon having an intense debate about cop movies. Ryan and Espo both accepted a beer, and they all swigged their drinks, happily enjoying a male bonding session. The girls came back through when dinner was ready, and Kate smiled to see Rick getting along so well with her colleagues. Lanie smiled too, when she saw Esposito. He winked at her, and made a point of sitting opposite her at the table.

They were having lasagne – Rick and Kate had made it while Lanie cleaned and studied – med school was tough. Lanie was already 21, and Rick opened a bottle of wine. Kate didn't drink, and neither did he – but they thought it was polite to offer. Esposito couldn't take his eyes off Lanie, but she made an effort to be a part of the whole conversation.

"So, Rick, what do you do?" Ryan asked.

"I'm a writer," he answered with a smile.

"Anything we might have heard of?" Jenny wondered. Lanie looked at Kate, her eyes saying _You haven't told them? _Kate blushed.

"In a Hail of Bullets?"

"No! You're not Rick Castle?"

Rick nodded modestly.

"_The _Rick Castle? Youngest New York Times No.1 Bestseller? Wow, Kate, you kept that quiet."

Rick laughed. "She's not one to boast."

Jenny smiled. "I think that's sweet. And I love your books."

"Thanks. I'll try to finish the next one as soon as possible."

Ryan piped up, "And Beckett'll be able to give you lots of ideas, since she's being trained by a homicide detective."

Rick looked at Kate. "Yeah, she will."

Esposito made gagging noises. "Come on, man, not at the table. That's something Ryan would do!"

Ryan looked at his friend, wounded. Rick smiled.

"Don't look upset, Ryan – I respect men who respect and love their woman."

Lanie gave Esposito a look. "You should take a lesson from that, Javier."

"Okay, okay, I'm sorry," he said.

"And he calls me whipped," Ryan muttered in Rick's ear. "He's known her for what, an hour?"

After dinner, they all helped clear up. The boys washed, and the girls dried. There wasn't really room for the three of them at the sink, but they made a joke out of it, to the great amusement of the girls.

Kate giggled when she saw their three backsides lined up in a row. She pointed it out to her friends, who giggled too.

"What's so funny?" Rick asked, not turning around.

"Nothing," Kate replied, "We're just admiring the view."

This brought another stream of giggles from Jenny, who Kate was beginning to like immensely. The three of them had already made plans to get coffee the next day, and Kate hoped it would be the start of a long friendship.

It didn't take long for the dishes to be finished. Esposito asked Lanie if she wanted to go out for a drink, and maybe dancing. Lanie grinned, and grabbed her purse.

"See you tomorrow," she whispered in Kate's ear. Kate laughed, and told her friend to stay safe, and have a good time.

"Oh, I will," Lanie said, waggling her eyebrows. Jenny and Ryan left soon after, and Rick and Kate were left to themselves.

"There – what did you think?" Rick asked, once they were resting on the couch.

"It went really well – I had a great evening."

"Me too," said Rick. He didn't say, 'I told you so' or 'I knew it would be fine' – and Kate loved him even more for that.

"I'm glad you have people like that with you at work. It makes me know that wherever you are, you have people who care about you, people looking out for you."

Kate snuggled closer to him. "It is nice. It makes me feel safe. And they've got your back too now. And so have I."

Rick kissed the top of her head. "I feel much safer for it." And he meant it. Kate was the strongest people he knew.

"You know," he commented, "I've never really looked around your apartment before."

"Look away," Kate said. "It's not that interesting."

He grinned, and got up, looking round the room. He was most struck by the huge collection of records, and beautiful record player. He selected one – something French. It had been Kate's mothers. Rick looked at her, asking permission. She nodded, and he expertly set up the turntable, starting the music. There was a piano introduction, and a soft male voice singing about love. Kate loved the music – it made her think of the past. It was like being in a dream.

Rick took her hand, and pulled her into a dance. They moved slowly together, gently swaying to the music. Kate leant her head on Rick's shoulder, and in his embrace, she felt totally safe, protected from the world.

"I love you," she whispered.

"I love you too," he said, wrapping her more tightly in his arms, thinking that if there was such as thing as paradise, this is what it would feel like. Kate was thinking exactly the same thing.

_**I hope you liked it, thanks for reading. Sorry if it was a bit lovey dovey at the end, but I personally needed to write about something nice after yesterday/today. Loads of hugs and loveballs, please review, and continue to support and love Stana, my idol, the best woman in the world. Take care, Z xxx**_


	29. Chapter 29

**_Here is the next chapter :-) I hope you like it, thanks for reading and please review xox_**

**Kate woke up to the sound of a crash in the living room. **She wriggled round, trying not to disturb Rick as she got out of her barely-more-than-a-single bed. He stayed sleeping like a baby, which she thought was very cute. She pulled on some panties and her bathrobe, and left her room to go and make sure her dad was okay.

He was lying on the floor, only just through the front door. He had knocked over a pot plant – that must have been what made the crash. She checked his breathing – it was fine. He seemed to just be asleep. She hauled him up, propping him against the couch. She went to latch the door, and found that he had been sick all over the outside of it. Scrunching up her nose in disgust, she went to get a bucket of warm water and some bleach. She put on rubber gloves, and set to cleaning the door until it was back to normal, and sprayed air freshener in the hallway outside the apartment, hoping the neighbours wouldn't notice anything in the morning. She got rid of the dirty water, and threw away the gloves too. She turned to go to the bathroom – she wanted a shower.

Then she saw Rick watching her in the doorway of her room. She wondered how long he had been there, and what he thought of her father now. Wordlessly, he walked past her, and lifted her father onto the couch, sliding off his shoes, resting his head on a cushion, and covering him with a blanket. Kate watched him do this, wondering what he was thinking. When he began to walk back towards her, she made her way to the bathroom – she needed that shower before she went back to bed.

She was about to close the door, but he slipped in too. After the dimly lit living room, the bright white light of the bathroom was almost violent.

"You okay?" Rick asked her.

"I will be. I just need to have a shower."

She could see the thoughts flashing across his face. _Why didn't you tell me it was this bad? Why are you doing this for him when he does nothing for you?_

"I love him, Rick. He's still my father."

Rick nodded, and pulled her into a hug she hadn't realised she needed.

"If it's alright with you, when he's sober, I want to have a talk with him. You're going out with the girls tomorrow, right? Well, maybe Jim and I will sort some things out."

Kate smiled into his chest, then pushed away so she could look into his eyes.

"Okay. But don't be too hard on him?"

Rick nodded again. "I won't. I'll let you shower – see you in a minute?"

Kate had a thought, and blushed a little. "Do you... do you want to stay?"

Rick grinned. "I thought you'd never ask," he said with a wink, and flicked the lock on the door. Kate turned on the water and slipped out of her robe. Rick took off the shirt and boxers he had put on to help her, and stepped into the water, guiding her in too.

When they were dry again, and back in bed, Rick cradled Kate in his arms, knowing she was worrying about her Dad now her thoughts weren't...otherwise engaged.

"Thanks," she murmured.

"What for? Helping you, distracting you, or holding you?"

"All three."

He smiled. "You don't need to thank me. I should be thanking you – for letting me be part of your life."

Kate shook her head. "I don't do anything for you. I'm the needy one."

Rick thought about how to answer, knowing that Kate was very sensitive about this.

"You needed things – that's not the same as needy. And I wanted to give them to you – you never asked me to, in fact, you asked me not to. But I did anyway. And although I wanted to be nice, I also wanted you."

"I wanted you too," Kate protested.

"That's beside the point. There are plenty of things you've helped me with – just because you don't know you were doing it doesn't mean I haven't been using you."

He winked, but she knew there was a serious meaning in what he was saying. He carried on.

"However, I know you want balance. And... I think I should be fair to you, and let you help me. You know all my past in terms of relationships, all my deep dark secrets. You know I was brought up by my mother, and I never knew my father. You know I went to boarding school. You know my Mom's in LA now. And you know I have a kind of strained relationship with her. So I'll make you a deal."

"What?"

"You let me help with your Dad without you feeling bad about it – and you can have dinner with my Mom and me, and help me sort things out with her."

Kate smiled widely, then turned around to kiss him. It was silly, that such a small thing could mean so much to her. It was complicated, but... No matter how much Rick thought of her as an equal, she always felt as though she was taking up his time and energy with things that shouldn't have to be his problem. That he wanted her help with something so unrelated to her was like a breath of fresh air. She was already going over his stories about his mother in her head, wondering how she could bring them closer together.

She settled down into a peaceful sleep – being with Rick had that effect on her. He slept too, and they didn't wake up until fairly late. Kate had to go to meet her friends, so she left Rick, trusting him with her father. He knew this was a big deal for her, and he didn't want to let her down.

He brewed a fresh pot of coffee, and found some aspirin in the cupboard. He poured a large glass of water, dropped in the medicine, and watched as Jim stirred on the couch. He took the drinks over, setting them in front of the tired looking man who seemed much older than his years.

"Thanks, Rick," Jim mumbled as he sipped the fizzing liquid.

"No problem," Rick replied. "If it's okay with you, once your head's settled, I'd like to talk to you about something."

"Sure," Jim answered, wondering what this was about.

Rick waited a while, making some breakfast then clearing it up, letting Jim shower and change. When they were both seated in the living room again, he smiled.

"I wanted to talk to you about Kate."

"What about her?" Jim asked.

"Well, as you must have noticed, she's doing so much better now. She's loving her new job, and she's so good at it. And, though I say so myself, we seem to be doing pretty well as a couple."

"Yeah, I can see that," Jim said, smiling.

"Right. Anyway, I've been thinking, for a while now, that I'd like for her to move in with me. But I know she'll refuse, because she won't leave you."

"Well that's crazy – I don't need her to stay. She should, she loves you. Do you want me to talk to her?"

"No. I would have, a few days ago, but I've been staying here for a few days, and I think I understand. Do you remember what happened last night? Or the night before?"

Jim said nothing, guilt flooding his eyes.

"Because I think she's right, Jim. I think you do need her."

Jim nodded, but tears began to well up in his eyes. Rick refused to break eye contact, staring at this grieving man.

"I know I can't even begin to imagine the pain you must be in, every day, every moment. But I've seen Kate, and I saw her when she was at her worst. She was so alone, so full of suffering and sadness. But she wasn't just sad about losing one parent – she was sad because she was afraid to lose both."

Jim cried silently, broken and in despair.

"Now, I can't tell you what to do. I know you have to find your own way to cope, and god knows, if I lost Kate, I wouldn't want to be conscious ever again. But she needs you, Jim. You may have lost your wife, but you still have your daughter, and you need to hold on to her because one day, she will break. She will hear you come in, see your vomit on the floor, and she will walk right past, out of that door, and out of your life. It won't be for a long while – that girl can take a lot. But it will happen, if you don't do something."

With that, Rick stood up, and patted the man on the shoulder. He felt bad for bringing the old man to tears, but he needed to see what was in front of him. He went through to the bedroom to get his notebook and write a little, and when he came back into the main room, Jim was collecting all his bottles from his bedroom and the kitchen, throwing them into a rubbish bag. Rick smiled at him, a kind, genuine smile, and Jim smiled back, a look of determination on his face.


	30. Chapter 30

_**This chapter is for Erin – good luck with your boring weekend of studying and homework, I hope it's not too bad. I'm at home with my family this weekend, in the lovely, cold, and boring countryside – so I have plenty of time to write. Also, I woke up at 6am this morning... No idea why.**_

**Kate arrived at the coffee shop at the same time as Jenny. Lanie was nowhere to be seen. **They waited outside for her for a minute or two, but it was cold, and they decided she probably wasn't coming. They smiled for her, and both ordered cappuccinos.

"I can't believe you're so young and already in a full time job," Jenny said with a smile. "I'm twenty – and it really seems like yesterday I was in high school, thinking about...going to the mall, or the cute young chemistry teacher."

Kate grinned. "I'm only a year younger than Kevin. And anyway, you're in college, studying and everything. You'll be working before you know it."

"And that thought terrifies me," Jenny replied. Kate laughed.

"Just find a job you love. You study fashion design, right?"

Jenny nodded, sipping her coffee.

"Well, look for something you know you'll look forward to when you wake up every morning and have to go to work."

"That's good advice," Jenny said. "Now I need some more. Christmas presents – I've barely started my Christmas shopping, and we're going to Kevin's family for the holidays – we leave in two weeks! And I have no idea what to get everyone. I've never spent Christmas away from my Mom and Dad before," she admitted.

"Well – why don't we meet up next Saturday and just get all our shopping done?" Kate said after a little pause. She had been taken by surprise, thinking about how close Christmas was. Her first Christmas without her mother... She took a deep breath and put on a brave face for Jenny.

They began to talk about other things – the little quirks of their boyfriends, clothes, the news, Lanie and Javier- and at that point, Lanie hurried in.

"I'm so sorry! We- I slept in, and then I wanted to go back to yours and change and stuff," she said, panting. Kate and Jenny just laughed.

"That's fine – we forgive you."

"Did you guys have a good time?"

Lanie grinned from ear to ear – the girls needed no other answer.

"So, what did I miss?" she asked, once she had ordered a hot chocolate.

"Oh, loads," Kate teased. "But we're planning to go Christmas shopping next Saturday – do you want to come? Only if you're not busy, of course," she said, giving her friend a significant look. Lanie ignored the look, and answered the question.

"Yeah, I'd love to come. I have to get everything for you guys sorted – I'm going home in two weeks time."

They settled into an easy conversation, about anything they could think of. Before they knew it, it was almost 2pm – they had been in the café for nearly three hours. Jenny had to go home to help Ryan prepare – they were having her parents round to dinner. Kate and Lanie decided to stay in the café for lunch, then they walked back to the apartment, taking in the frosty city.

"I can't believe it's nearly Christmas," Kate said to her friend. Lanie knew what she was thinking about.

"You thought the pain would be intense forever. But time's moved faster, now you're so much happier. Aren't you looking forward to your first Christmas with Rick?"

"Oh, yeah, so much! But... I wish he could have met her. I wish I hadn't had to lose someone to gain someone."

"Have to isn't the best way to put it, honey. You just did. It's not fair. But try to think about the good things, okay?"

Kate nodded, smiling as best she could. Lanie put an arm around her, pulling her into a kind of moving hug.

"So," Kate said after a while, "tell me how it was with Javier! I know you were holding back before, because we don't know Jenny very well."

Lanie laughed, and began to tell Kate all about going to the night club, and then back to Javier's place.

"It's nice – I was surprised. And he either has a cleaner, or he would make the perfect husband – it was really clean and tidy."

Kate laughed. "Small though," Lanie added.

"Well, what can you expect on a cop's salary?"

"I know! I was half expecting him to bring me back to his parents' house and announce he still lived with them!"

The girls laughed loudly together, and Kate's mood continued to improve. By the time they got back, it was about 4pm, and the streets were beginning to get dark. They went upstairs, to find Rick sitting on the couch, scribbling in his notebook. Kate looked around.

"Where's Dad?" she asked.

"He's at an AA meeting," Rick said, as if this were a normal place for her father to be.

"What? How did you get him to go?" Kate asked, her voice filled with admiration.

Rick explained roughly what he had told her Dad, and Kate was glad he had managed to get through to him – although sad that he had been upset. Rick seemed worried about something, though. Lanie excused herself to go do some studying in her room, while Kate asked him what was wrong. Rick sighed.

"You know when I told you about my mother? Well, I was being serious but... I thought since she was out of town, you wouldn't have to actually meet her for a good long while. But when you were out, I went home to get some more clothes and check my messages, and she had left me one saying she needed to talk. I called her, and... Basically she's stranded in LA. Something to do with a guy taking all her money..."

"Oh my God! Is she okay?"

Rick nodded. "I've wired some money into a new account, which she'll get tomorrow, and she seemed to be alright. But... I think someone should go and see her. Which brings me to the second problem."

"What?"

"Well, there was also a message from Gina, my agent. She wants to do a Christmas party for my Derrick Storm book – it's been out for a while, but a themed thing... She planned it all without telling me, probably so I couldn't back out or cancel it. It's next weekend – which is when I would visit her-"

"Do you want me to go?" Kate asked, hoping this was what he was really asking. A look of hope flooded his pained face.

"Really? Would you? I'd ask someone else but... I don't actually have that many people I trust. I'll pay for your ticket and hotel and everything – but you mean it? That would be wonderful."

Kate nodded, smiling. "I'd love to do that for you."

_**It was time to bring Martha in – she will be properly present in the next chapter. I hope you liked it, thanks for reading, please review – and thanks so much for all the great reviews, favs and follows :D it means a lot. Loads of love and hugs, Z xox**_


	31. Chapter 31

_**A/N: Since this is an AU fic, and I already moved the day Johanna dies, I'm also moving Kate's birthday – it's going to be on April 26**__**th**__** (like Stana). So not yet. But it is nearly Christmas :-)**_

_**Also, I wanted to say, because I really don't say this enough, thank you so much for all the follows, favs and reviews – it means so so so much to me that you do this, and your comments are what inspire me to keep writing ;-) And to the guest who called themselves Stana Katic, you are either still my favourite person (if you actually are Stana) or (the more likely option) you're my new favourite person for doing that – gave me a great laugh when I got the email.**_

_**Happy Thanksgiving!**_

Kate leaned back against the comfy, first class seat. The plan would be touching down in an hour, and she tried to relax. She was nervous about meeting Martha. Of course, Rick had called her, and it had all been arranged. Martha was coming to the airport. But Kate wasn't sure what to expect – Rick had just said there was no way to prepare anyone for the hurricane that was his mother.

Kate shivered. She still had bouts of feeling cold and clammy when she was alone. She had begun to think about her own mother. She pulled the complimentary blanket closer around her shoulders, trying not to worry.

The plane landed just as Kate was finally drifting off to sleep – but she was glad – she didn't want to have a nightmare when Rick wasn't there. Which made her feel a bit silly and dependent – she was supposed to be a strong, self sufficient woman. She told herself that she could cope on her own, it was just that she didn't want to.

She got through the airport – she only had a small backpack so she didn't need to collect anything. And then she looked around for Martha. Rick had said his mother was impossible to miss – she had very red hair, and always wore bright colours. Kate scanned the large room, and immediately spotted the woman. She began to walk over, feeling slightly nervous, but not nearly so nervous as she got about nightmares. Martha caught her eye and she smiled – and before she knew what was happening she was caught up in a huge hug.

"Well hi there darling! You must be Kate – Rick's told me all about you, I've been so looking forward to meeting you and you look so lovely, I thought he _must _be exaggerating when he said how beautiful you were but I should have known better – he's always very truthful. And it's so sweet of you to come, a wonderful help to both of us honey – and so nice for me, just a silly old woman being fooled by a silly old man and such a lovely young girl coming to rescue me! Come on, let's go get a coffee, and we can talk and I'll fill you in on what's happening and tell you my plan..."

The stream of information continued to pour out. Kate concentrated as best she could, and with Martha it was hard not to feel warm and welcomed.

At the coffee shop, Kate gratefully sipped her usual grande skim latte, warming her fingers on the large ceramic mug. She and Martha chatted about Rick, and about her job, and then Martha began to tell her story. Basically, she had been cheated by a man she thought she was in love with, and although she'd be okay, she'd decided that she wanted to come back to New York. She wanted to work on Broadway again – and Kate got the feeling she wanted to be closer to her son. They decided Kate should talk to Rick about it.

When they got to the hotel in the evening, Kate called Rick with the number of her room as they'd arranged. She was a few hours behind him because of the time difference, and she'd told him to call her when he got home no matter how late it was. She knew it wouldn't be for a while – it was only seven thirty, so ten thirty for him. She changed into leggings and a baggy t-shirt of his, and curled up in bed, pulling his latest manuscript out of her bag. He had given it to her before he left, saying she should proof it. It was the second Derrick Storm book – he was really churning them out.

Four hours later, her phone rang. She picked it up eagerly.

"Hello?"

"Hey sweetheart," answered Rick's tired voice. "How are you?"

"I'm fine. Your Mom's fine too – we had a good talk."

"That's good. And you actually sound as though you like her!"

"I do. She's lovely. How was your evening?"

"Dead boring really. I wish I could've been with you. Are you coming back tomorrow?"

"Well...yes. But I think...I think Martha will be coming too."

"What? Really?" He sounded terrified.

"Yeah. She wants to work on Broadway. And I think she wants to be closer to you."

Rick smiled. Trust Kate to make something sweet out of his mother coming to scrounge off him.

"Okay. And I suppose she'll want to live with us?"

Kate grinned. "Us? I wasn't aware we had a shared place of residence. But yes, I think she wants to live at your place for a bit. Just while she gets settled."

Rick mentally kicked himself. "Oops. I'm just with you so often I think of us as living together. Well, fine. And she doesn't have any stuff?"

"Apparently this guy took all of it. She just has some clothes and 'bits and bobs' – but they're all packed up already. And I'm glad you think of us as living together. It's sweet."

"I'm glad you're glad. What time does your flight get in tomorrow?"

"Uhm..." Kate dug in her bag for the ticket. "3pm. But you don't have to-"

"Leave it, Katie, of course I'm meeting you at the airport. I'm going to kiss you, too. In front of my mother. So just get used to the idea."

Kate laughed. "I wish you were here so I could kiss you now."

"Me too. Oh well, it's only what, ten hours?"

Kate thought about it. "Yeah, you're right. You must be tired, then."

"Not really," he laughed. "I stay up much later with you. Then again... you're never boring."

Kate laughed too. "I'll be thinking of you."

"You do that. And if you wake up in the night, just call me. Okay?"

"Okay. I love your book by the way. And Derrick's girlfriend seems a lot like me..."

"Well, every writer needs a muse."

Kate laughed again. "But that would make you Derrick."

"So?"

"Nothing. Actually, you're right – I can totally see you as an action hero super spy."

"Do I detect a hint of sarcasm, Miss Beckett?"

"Why, no, Mr Castle. I can't believe you would even consider that I would make fun of you."

He laughed. "I'm glad you like the book, sweetheart."

She smiled. "I guess I should let you get some sleep."

"Yeah...I wish I didn't have to say goodbye."

"Let's not. Let's just say goodnight."

Rick could picture her sitting on the hotel bed – wearing his t-shirt, with her legs crossed and the blanket round her shoulders. "Okay. Goodnight Katie – I love you."

"Goodnight Rick. I love you too."

They both paused, not wanting to hang up. They could hear each other breathing on the other end of the phone, just absorbing the other's presence. In the end, Kate whispered,

"3, 2, 1..." and then put the phone down. She almost called him back, but she knew that would be silly. They both needed sleep. And she would see him tomorrow.

The next morning, Kate woke up having managed to sleep pretty much through the night, waking up only once, and without having any nightmares. She and Martha got themselves ready and soon they were at the airport, checking all six of Martha's suitcases. Kate was quite glad to have company on the plane, although she could see what Rick meant about his mother being a lot to take. She was very...full on. All the time. But it was better than being alone.

As promised, Rick was there to meet them at the airport. Kate saw him straight away, and almost forgot Martha, running towards him as he ran towards her and pulled her into a huge hug, lifting her right off the ground. Then he kissed her as though it had been months.

Martha caught them up, pushing her trolley. "It's only been a day, my dears."

They ignored her for as long as they could without being rude, then helped her get her stuff to the car. The worst part was getting it all up to the apartment, but with the help of the doorman, they managed to do it in two trips. Then Martha went to the guest room to settle, and Rick and Kate retreated to Rick's room, curling up together on the bed. All the changing time zones had made Kate feel a bit weird, and they were tired from heaving suitcases and dealing with Martha. Kate closed her eyes, resting her head on Rick's arm. He put his other arm over her, resting it on her stomach. She held his hand, feeling his warm breath on the back of her neck, and he held her tighter.

"I missed you," she whispered.

"I missed you too. And there is no place I'd rather be right now than where I am."

Kate smiled. She couldn't agree more.

_**So, thanks for reading, please review - and the Christmas chapter's coming up - if you have any suggestions or ideas about what should be in it, don't hesitate to tell me. I will respond to requests ;-) (as long as they're not weird or anything). Take care, I'll update as soon as I can. Loads of love and hugs, Z xxx**_


	32. Chapter 32

**_Thanks for all the reviews, follows and favs. Christmas is coming up :-) although decided to leave it a few more chapters. Also, thanks for reading, please continue to read and tell me what you think. Take care, loads of hugs and loveballs, Z xxx_**

**Kate slipped out from under Rick's arm. **She wished she didn't have to go – but she wanted to go home and check on Lanie and her Dad. Rick woke up when she moved, and offered her a lift. She had a short but intense internal battle, wishing she could accept the offer.

"Rick, you need to stay and talk to your Mom. I'll call you later, okay?"

"Okay. Fine. You really are the wise one."

"My little nine year old without his sugar rush."

Rick stood up and kissed her. When he pulled away, he muttered in her ear,

"I can get my sugar rush whenever I want."

Kate sighed. She gave him a hug, and he walked her downstairs – but she waved her own cab. She was better at getting them than he was.

Rick went back upstairs – he opted not to take the elevator – and found Martha waiting in the kitchen.

"So when are you two getting married?" she asked cheerfully, uncorking the most expensive bottle of wine she had found in his apartment. Rick laughed.

"We haven't even moved in together yet."

"You haven't? Well you should have."

"It's not that simple, Mother – there are things-"

"There are always things. That's part of life."

"I know. And I've tried to do something about them. But it's going to take time."

"Right. You sure you aren't putting it off for a reason of your own?"

Rick began to get a little annoyed. "What do you mean?"

"Well, she is very young..."

"Four years younger."

"Four years is a long time at your age. And even longer at hers!"

"Are you saying you disapprove?" Rick was starting to feel angry now.

"No. But I think you might be thinking about it."

"You're wrong, then. I love her. I don't care how old she is."

"If you say so..." Martha trailed off with one of her I-know-better looks. Rick gave her an exasperated stare. She never did hide a single thing she was thinking. She poured herself another glass of wine.

"So, will she be here for Christmas?"

"I don't know. She lives with her Dad – I guess she'll be spending it with him."

"I suppose it might be good for you to spend some time apart..."

Rick started at her. "Again, you're going to have to explain what you mean."

"Just that at the airport you ran to each other like it had been years when it had been a day-"

"Because we love each other!"

"Even love has limits," Martha said into her wine glass. Rick knew what she meant – although he wasn't thinking of his relationship with Kate!

"Exactly how much time have you been spending together?" she asked.

"I don't know. Most of it. A lot. We want to."

"She wants to as well?"

"Yes!"

"Then I don't understand why you don't live together-"

"Mother, you're going around in circles. As the master of failed relationships, I really don't think you're the one who should be giving me advice. So will you please leave it?"

Martha pretended to be surprised. "Of course! I'm sorry darling, I had no idea you were getting upset. Wine?"

"Don't offer me my own wine," he growled, but he tried to be more friendly, and continue a conversation with her. She was his mother. She began talking about other things – among them was the hilarious story of how she had lost all her money. Rick didn't know how she managed to get into so much trouble so often – but she had always done it. He tried to enjoy the conversation, but found himself clutching the edge of his seat at times – when she made almost rude comments about his writing, or complained yet again about the time she had wasted looking after him.

Kate arrived home at about 6. She expected her father to be out already – but she almost fainted at the sight that greeted her. He was in the kitchen. The sparkly clean kitchen in the sparkly clean apartment. And he was cooking. Cooking! Lanie had left her a note saying she was going out to eat with 'Javi' and that she'd be back very late or not at all. Kate smiled for her friend, then went back to gaping at her father.

"Hi, Dad..." she said cautiously.

"Hey, sweetie. How was your trip?"

"Fine. Interesting."

"Will you be in for dinner?"

"Uhm... Yeah." She found herself struggling for words. She forced some more out.

"Yes, Dad, that would be great. How was your weekend?"

Her father smiled at her encouragingly. "It's been tough. But it's easier if you keep busy. I went to my first meeting yesterday."

He went to AA? Kate tried not to look so surprised, but she couldn't help it. Her Dad was so independent, she had forseen years of struggling to get him to go, and she'd been sure he'd want to quit drinking alone.

She draped her jacket over the back of the couch, and he almost immediately came round and picked it up, hanging it in the closet. Kate said nothing, just watching in awe. He was incredibly attentive all evening. Almost too attentive. He asked her about work, about Rick, about her friends, about _everything_. It was kind of overwhelming. He wouldn't let her help at all, she wasn't even allowed to dry the dishes. She felt a bit useless. Somehow, wiping his face and putting him to bed had almost been easier.

When she felt it was alright for her to go, she slipped away to her room and called Rick. He answered on the first ring – he had been hiding in his office.

"Kate? Thank God."

"Why? It's so good to hear your voice."

"Right? My Mother has been driving me crazy!"

"My Dad too – it's like I've come home to a different man. He's even going to AA."

"Really? That's great!"

"Yes. Yes, it really is. But he's so... He's so crazy. He's doing everything. It feels so weird."

"A control freak like you not being in control? Priceless. You want to get out of there?"

"More than anything."

"I'd ask you here but..."

"That's okay. You need time with your Mom."

"No! Gosh, what a misunderstanding. No, I meant, we don't want to be around her. I wish there was someplace we could go where we'd be alone."

Kate sighed. "Maybe we'll just have to wait til tomorrow."

"Well... I mean, we could go to a hotel."

Kate laughed out loud. "Wow, Rick, way to make a girl feel cheap."

"So you don't want to?" He sounded sad, and all the laughter disappeared from her voice.

"No. I want to. How soon can you be here?"

Rick grinned. Kate could have sworn she felt it down the phone. "I'll leave right away. Wear clothes you don't like much."

"Why?"

But he had already hung up. Kate could guess, anyway. She smiled to herself, and put on her least favourite button down blouse, and a skirt that she had hated even in the store. She thought her six inch black stilettos would be safe, though. She put on a jacket and went through to tell her Dad she was leaving and would see him tomorrow. Then, having a brainwave, she packed her uniform for the next day, along with her cosmetics bag, in a little backpack. As she was closing the zipper, the doorbell rang. Perfect timing, as always.


	33. Chapter 33

_**Thanks so much for all the reviews etc XD. I've been thinking myself that there has been too much perfection – things are going to change, though... (yeah, yeah, I'm sorry - but if there's no drama, there's no story)**_

**Kate hurried to answer the door before her father** could get it, smiling at Rick as he put his arm around her, guiding her out of the building. He had come in a taxi, and left it waiting outside, so they got back in. Kate leaned against Rick on the back seat, just enjoying his silence and normality after the strangeness of her apartment.

When they arrived, Rick jumped out first and held the door open for Kate. She almost gasped – she hadn't thought it would be a grungy motel – but the stunning, marble building that greeted her was way above her expectations.

"Don't you have to reserve in places like this?" she asked quietly as he led her through the lobby.

"Normally, yes. And definitely for the penthouse or something. But for a regular room, and for someone like me with someone like you, they're prepared to make an exception."

Kate smiled, registering that he had included her in his classy appearance, even though she was sure it had a lot more to do with his fame and wealth. He got a room in a matter of seconds, and they got into the elevator. There was even someone to operate it.

"I feel like Viv in Pretty Woman," Kate whispered in Rick's ear.

Rick grinned and whispered back, "You're much sexier. But if I remember rightly, they do have a piano in the dining room. If you like, we can sneak down later and knock that one off your bucket list."

Kate giggled. "I think you're much sexier than Edward, too."

Rick laughed. "I should hope so – I'm 24 – he has grey hair!"

The operator opened the door, and they stepped out onto the plush carpet of the corridor. Kate looked around. She had never stayed anywhere like this.

"I thought only old people stayed in these kinds of places – lawyers, business men, politicians..."

"If that's true, we'll give them something to listen to," Rick muttered in her ear. Kate slapped him playfully on the arm.

"Stop it. You've made me feel like a lady – now you have to treat me like one."

"I always treat you like a lady," he said, slipping the key card into the slot. "I like to think I'm very gentlemanly."

"Oh, you are," she replied, walking through the door as he held it open.

She stopped, amazed.

"This is a regular room?"

Rick laughed. "I know, right? Come on, let's go find the bed."

But Kate didn't follow him – she wanted to look around. There was a huge living room, with two couches covered with pillows. Everything was gold and white – rich and clean. There was a flat screen TV covering most of one of the walls, and a top of the range sound system. She went into the bathroom to find an enormous tub, and a shower that could comfortably fit five, let alone two.

"Is this what heaven's like?" she called out to Rick, who hadn't come into the bathroom. He put his head round the door, then took her hand and pulled her towards him. When she was in front of him, he gently pushed her hair away from her face and looked into her eyes.

"No. This is."

Kate went to work alone the next morning – she let Rick sleep in, sneaking out of the room without waking him. She had been going to get him up, but he looked so sweet, lying under the covers with his eyelids fluttering. Like a little boy. She wondered what he'd been like as a kid – the newspapers talked about him as though he'd been a troublemaker – but she hadn't seen any evidence of the badboy Rick whose books people bought – to her, Rick was pretty much perfect. She wondered if she was being naïve about it, but even that thought didn't dent her buzz from the night before.

She decided to walk to work – she had woken up early, and the hotel wasn't far from the precinct. She saw a guy selling newspapers, and it struck her that she'd been caught up in her own little bubble with Rick for ages – she had no idea what was going on with the rest of the world. She bought one, and scanned the headlines. Nothing much, as it turned out.

She flicked through the paper, ending up on the celebrity pages. And there was Rick. With a huge grin on his face, and an arm around a beautiful blonde, who was whispering something in his ear. Kate stopped walking, and leaned against the wall. She started at the picture. It couldn't be true. Searching for some kind of explanation, she began to read the article beside the picture.

_Rick Castle, New York's very own ruggedly handsome mystery writer, made a surprise appearance at a party to promote his new series of books – the Derrick Storm crime novels. Pictured here with his publisher, Gina, there's no question that she is happy with his work. And as for Castle's status as a proud bachelor – well, maybe that's about to change. _

_When asked if there was something going on between them, Gina answered,_

"_Well, you know Ricky. He likes to play the field. But he owes a lot to Black Pawn, my company, and we've been seeing much more of each other recently."_

_Another insider who was at the party told us,_

"_Rick and Gina spent the whole night together. I wouldn't be surprised if they were already in a relationship."_

_We have also been informed that Rick and Gina left the party for about an hour – wonder what they were up to? _

_So, girls, if you were planning to make Ricky your prince charming, now's the time to act – looks like he won't be on the market for much longer!_

Kate wanted to scream. She threw away the paper, but whenever she walked past a news stand she knew people all over the city would be buying the paper, and reading that article. She clenched her fists, and hurried to work. She got through the day. Ryan and Espo asked what was up, but she kept quiet. She'd give Rick a chance. Even if he didn't deserve one.

Detective Royce talked to her too. She really wanted to tell him. At lunch, he sat her down in the break room, and asked her.

"What's eating you, Beckett?"

Kate sighed. "Nothing. Just... I'm sure its nothing."

"Doesn't seem like nothing. It's okay, cops aren't much for talking. Come on – got something to show you."

He took her down to the shooting range, and handed her some ear protectors.

"Come back when you're not so grumpy."

And with that he walked out of the room. Kate was almost mad at him now. She wasn't grumpy. Well, maybe she was, but it wasn't her fault. She put on the ear protectors and got out her gun, aiming at a target. She pictured Rick, and shot it, right between the legs.

After about twenty more rounds, she was feeling a lot better. She reeled in the shredded target sheet and threw it away, then went back to work. Royce didn't comment, but at the end of the day as she was leaving, he gave her a wink.

"Give him hell, Beckett."

Oh I plan to, she thought as she waved a cab. She went straight to Rick's apartment, the hurt inside her boiling into anger.

He opened the door for her, oblivious to her mood.

"Hey, Katie, how was your day?"

"I don't know, _Ricky_, how do you think my day was?"

His face fell. "You saw the paper, didn't you. I can explain-"

"Can you?" she asked angrily. "Or were you just not going to tell me? I think you were just going to keep quiet, letting me look like a fool for trusting you when you were actually snuggling up with _Gina _behind my back!"

"I was going to tell you. But I didn't want you to get the wrong idea."

"What wrong idea? A picture's worth a thousand words, writer boy, and that was one hell of a picture!"

Rick said nothing. He didn't know where to start.

"You got nothing?" she said, dangerously close to tears. She had imagined he would defend himself better than this.

"I... I...I'm sorry. She pounced and they took the picture."

"You didn't look like you minded too much."

Rick didn't answer. He had been drunk. He hadn't minded too much.

"I can't believe you talked to me that night like nothing had happened! You called me when you got home! Yet you didn't think to mention that you'd been partying with the woman the papers are practically saying is your girlfriend."

"It didn't say that."

"You know what it did say, Rick? It said if you weren't with her, you were a bachelor. So is that how you consider yourself? I trusted you, Rick! I wanted to live with you! We were even going to adopt a baby together!"

Rick spoke quietly, but he was desperate. "You still can trust me. I'm with you, and no one else. I love you."

Kate managed to calm herself down a little. "Rick, after this... when I read it, it made me feel so awful, so betrayed. And right now, I just... I don't know."

He took a step towards her, but she backed away. "Kate, please..." he said as she moved towards the door.

"I'm going to go home, Rick. I don't want to talk any more right now. Goodbye, Rick."

"Goodbye? Or goodnight?"

Kate sighed. "Goodnight. For now."

Rick watched the door close behind her, then held his head in his hands. What had he done?


	34. Chapter 34

**Kate managed not to cry until the door was closed behind her. **But by the time she was down he stairs and in the street, tears were flowing freely down her face. She felt more alone than she ever had before, more alone even than in the summer. She had so much needed to trust someone, and she had put all her trust in him. And he had betrayed her.

She didn't want to go home – her Dad would just ask questions. Lanie was with Javier – those two had been inseparable from the day they met. Maybe it was true love. Kate thought of Rick again. She had been in love. She still was.

It was raining outside. She just leaned against the wall of Rick's building, half hoping he would run out after her. The rain soaked through her jacket and uniform. She shivered. She asked herself why she wasn't leaving – and the truth was, she couldn't bring herself to leave him. She'd said she didn't want to talk, but really, she wanted more than anything to be with him.

She realised she had to take control. She wiped her face, thinking hard, looking for the exact reason for the tears. She wanted the root of the problem. Then she marched herself back upstairs and banged on his door. She was going to solve it.

He opened the door, and she was almost pleased to see his eyes were red from crying too.

"Did you cheat on me?" she asked, as soon as she saw him.

He gaped at her. Then pulled himself together. "No."

"Did you even kiss her?"

"No...I don't even like her. She's my publisher, she's... well, she's a manipulative bitch."

Kate looked at him, wishing she had x-ray vision to see into his soul. But she believed him. He felt her eyes cutting into him.

"Kate. Iim in love with you. And I'm with you, and I will be faithful to you. Always."

Kate felt her heart rate quicken.

"Why didn't you just say that, when I got back?"

Rick took a deep breath. "I don't know. I didn't even think of it. I was drunk that night, and I saw how it must look and how you must feel... I haven't ever been in a proper relationship before. I know you think you're the inexperienced one – but you're the only girl I've ever actually loved. And I had no idea what to say – I did make a mistake. I should never have gone to the party, the press says some stupid things, but I tempt it. And, I was afraid if you... I was afraid."

He looked so vulnerable, so worried. "Okay," she said, "but next time, just tell me. It'll save a whole lot of trouble."

He saw her eyes, still red from crying, and pulled her into a hug, even though she was soaked.

"I'm so sorry Katie. I love you so much."

"I love you too," she said into his chest. "Always."

They were still standing, holding each other, when Martha came downstairs.

"You kids made up now? That's good."

Rick made a face, but Kate smiled at Martha.

"It was just a misunderstanding."

Martha winked.

"It usually is. I know of very few lovers who want to fight, or who intentionally do something to upset the other. Then again, I might have put Rick in the few, until I saw you together."

Kate laughed, and looked at Rick sideways – which told him he was properly forgiven.

"Well, this is nice. Richard, darling, is there any food?"

"It's as though this is a hotel," he muttered in Kate's ear.

"I heard that. I suppose you were too busy with, uhm, shall we call it love? to cook anything..."

"I'll order us some pizza – that okay with you, Kate?"

"Sounds wonderful." Now she wasn't upset, she was quickly realising that she hadn't really eaten since breakfast. She thought maybe she should call her Dad too, or even go home for the night. But she only had one day of work left before she stopped for Christmas – and then she would have to spend a good few days around the house. As if he'd read her mind, Rick handed the phone after he'd called for pizza.

"We can even go there after we've eaten, if you want."

Kate smiled. "It's okay, I can manage – I don't need you holding my hand while I see him."

Rick grinned. "I know. That isn't my only motive for wanting to come with you."

Kate laughed. "Okay. I'll tell him we'll be in later."

Martha tutted. They couldn't even spend a night apart. But she got the feeling Kate was checking on her Dad – she wondered why. Rick saw her expression, and shook his head. She sighed. Kate pretended that she didn't notice this exchange.

When they went outside to get a cab, it was even colder than before. The rain was turning into snow, not settling yet, but it would.

"Tomorrow morning it'll really look like Christmas," Kate said quietly. Her first Christmas without her Mom. Rick put his arm around her and she immediately felt warmer.

"You only have a week to go. And soon you'll be on holiday. You still need to shop, don't you?"

"Yeah. I guess it'll be a busy week. I have to decorate the apartment, too."

"I'll help, if you want. My mother might do mine – she likes decorating. It's similar to making mess – which is one of her best skills."

Kate laughed. They waved a cab and got in.

"Okay," Kate said, "you can help. My Dad might be there too. And Lanie – I haven't seen her in ages – she's totally taken up with Javi."

"I think it's sweet. He seems like a great guy."

"Yeah. And she seems happy."

When they let themselves into the apartment, Jim was waiting for them. It was beautifully clean and tidy, but he looked a bit rough.

"Hi, sweetie. Good day?" he asked, rubbing his forehead.

"Yeah, thanks. You?"

"It was okay. It's... but I won't complain. Nice to see you, Rick," he added a little cautiously.

Rick smiled openly. "Nice to see you too."

"Right, well, I'll leave you kids to it. I'm more than ready for bed."

After a few goodnights, he disappeared to his room.

"What d'you want to do?" Kate asked, once they were settled on the couch.

Rick looked at her. "I don't know. What about you?"

Kate thought about it. "I think we should take this party to my room, because it's furthest from Dad's, and then see where that gets us."

Rick laughed. "Sounds like a plan," he said, and pulled her up off the couch, practically running with her to the bedroom.

As they got to her room, Kate realised something. Maybe she should have insisted he stayed home. But that was stupid – she didn't want to have to sleep alone for a whole week just because... She would have to tell him though, before he got his hopes up.

"Rick..."

Rick heard the tone of her voice, and stopped, worried. "What's up?"

"Oh, it's nothing that bad. It's just, uhm-" Kate felt herself blushing. She wished she could just talk openly – it wasn't anything to be embarrassed about. Rick did some quick counting, and realised what she was trying to say.

"It's okay. Don't look so worried," he said, sitting on the bed and pulling her onto his lap. "D'you think I'm just going to go home now? It may come as a surprise to you, but I don't hang out with you just for sex."

Kate frowned. "It'll be over by Christmas, at least."

"You look pretty gutted yourself," Rick laughed. "Am I the one being taken advantage of?"

Kate giggled, and twisted her fingers in his hair. "Maybe a little bit," she teased.

He tipped her onto the bed and started kissing her. She kissed back enthusiastically, but he pulled away.

"Remember to tell me if you don't feel like it," he said gently.

"Maybe I shouldn't have told you," Kate growled. "And with you, I always feel like it."

She pulled his head back to where it had been, then took his shoulders and rolled him over so she was on top. She opened his shirt and began kissing down his chest. She undid his pants and slid them off with his boxers.

"You know, I feel at a bit of a disadvantage," he said in a slightly breathless voice. "You still have all your clothes on. I'm cold."

Kate didn't answer. Her mouth was a bit preoccupied. But she threw a blanket at him.

"You don't always have to be funny, you know," she said when their positions were switched.

"You like it," he said as he unbuttoned her shirt. Kate realised she was wearing a sports bra. Rick laughed when he saw it.

"This looks interesting. How does it work?"

"It's comfy. And figuring it out can be your challenge for the evening."

Rick laughed. "It goes over your head? Weird. Well, arms up then."

Kate groaned sarcastically. "Again with the funny."

"It's helping me procrastinate. You do realise we have to have pretty much a week of just foreplay now."

Kate stuck her tongue out at him.

"Stop complaining."

"You're right. I don't have anything to complain about. Mostly I just feel bad that I can't equal what you just did."

"Haven't you heard? I'm unbeatable," she said as he finally managed to tug of the bra.

"Now you're being funny. Shh." he said, and kissed her again. Kate wriggled.

"Don't try to shut me up with a kiss. We were ta-" he got his mouth back on hers, and she decided she didn't really mind that much about him stopping her from speaking.

When they were curled up under the covers again, Rick grinned at her.

"I think we did pretty well, considering."

"Considering me? Don't make me go all feminist on you," she muttered.

"I don't know what you mean. I was talking about the cold."

"Right. And-" Rick kissed her again.

"You shouldn't do that," she said when he stopped. "You've made me completely forget what I was talking about."

"That was the idea. Now you should go to sleep – you have work in the morning."

Kate groaned. "That means I have to get out of bed now."

"If it makes you feel better, I will too."

She pulled on her robe and went to the bathroom. Rick followed her, but she shut him out.

"Cruel. I bet I could cope."

"I couldn't."

"What about my teeth? I have to brush."

"You're still being funny. Fine. You can come in when I'm done..."

"When you're done what? I'm very curious about this – it's something I'll never experience."

"Shut up."

The door clicked open. Kate was brushing her teeth. She handed the brush to Rick. "Hurry up, human hot water bottle."

"I'm offended."

"Well. Really you're full of hot air."

"Smart. My funny is rubbing off on you."

Kate rolled her eyes and left the room. Rick followed her out, and they got into bed.

"Goodnight, Katie."

"Goodnight, writer boy."

"Oh, so you decided to stick with that, huh? It was low the first time."

"I thought it was a pretty good description."

"What about writer man?"

"I'll think about it." she said quietly, drifting off to sleep.

"You do that," he murmured, closing his eyes as well.

_**I couldn't keep them mad for too long. Sorry it took me longer to update this time - I had to write an essay for uni and I have exams coming up - but I hope to upload the next chapter sooner. Take care, hugs n loveballs, thanks for all your support, and please review :-). xxx Z**_


	35. Chapter 35

**_A slightly shorter chapter this time, but not too bad ;-) and I have loads of legitimate excuses. Thanks for reading, please review, your reviews mean so much to me. And the next chapter is the Christmas one - I will take requests (in the form of reviews!) - any gift ideas? Things you think they should do? Take care, loads of hugs and loveballs, Z xox_**

**Rick picked Kate up straight from work. **He could tell she wasn't feeling great – but she smiled when she saw the coffee in her cup holder, and even more when he handed her a carton from their favourite Chinese restaurant.

"You know me so well," she laughed as he drove off.

"Still not eating at work, huh?" he asked, as he watched he dig into the Chinese food.

Kate shrugged. She didn't like the food there.

"I'll start making you packed lunches in a paper bag," he teased, and she laughed again.

"We'll talk when I go back to work. Right now, I'm thinking about two weeks off!"

"Good. Because you're coming back to my place now, to decorate!"

Kate grinned. She was glad he wanted her to help. She had a feeling Christmas would be a pretty big deal for this overgrown nine-year-old.

Sure enough, when they got to his place, there were several huge boxes already out in the living room, and in front of the window was a gigantic Christmas tree, at least eight feet tall – although it was still bare. She gaped at it. Her mother had usually done Christmas at her house, and it had been beautiful – but nothing on this scale. After the twinge of pain that pulled in her chest every time she thought about her Mom, Kate put her arm around Rick's waist.

"Where do we even start?"

Four hours later, they couldn't have been in a more Christmassy apartment. Everything was decorated – there was tinsel even in the bathrooms! Kate admired it while she used the facilities, thn went out to find Rick flopped on the sofa.

"Tired?"

"Very. And hungry."

"You're always hungry."

"You ate far more recently than I did."

Kate grinned. "Okay. You stay there. I'll cook you something."

Rick raised his eyebrows. "You can cook independently?"

Kate laughed. "I can do a lot more than that. Is there anything I shouldn't use?"

"No. Help yourself. But the phone is off limits – no ordering in!"

Kate laughed again, and went into the kitchen. Rick was watching her from the couch.

"Put on the TV or something," she said, pretending to feel uncomfortable. "I feel under pressure now."

Rick grinned. "You're far more interesting to watch than the TV. Off you go."

Kate stuck her tongue out at him, then opened the fridge. It was well stocked, as always. She wondered what to make. She decided on scrambled eggs and bacon – it was kind of a breakfast meal, but it was one of her favourites, and it was quick. She whisked the eggs, adding salt and pepper, and set some bacon frying. Rick watched with interest, the smell of the bacon making his stomach rumble. Soon she had a big plate of food to bring to Rick. She also gave him a cup of tea, and some cutlery. She sat beside him on the couch.

"Wow. You really can cook."

"It's eggs, Rick," she said, laughing at him yet again.

"Still. My mother burns eggs all the time. This is great."

Kate swiped a rasher of bacon off the plate, and nibbled it.

"Cheeky," he teased, eating some more himself. He took a forkful of egg and held it out to her, and she obligingly opened her mouth.

"Makes me feel like a baby," she said, grinning. As she said it, she wondered if she should talk to Rick about babies. It had been such a relief when Meredith had decided to keep hers – but ever since, Kate had been thinking more and more about having a baby of her own. She knew she was young – but she wasn't doing anything else. The NYPD had a good maternity program – you could take up to a year off and still have your job back. And Rick would make a great Dad, she could tell. She wondered if it was just her hormones making her feel broody.

"Penny for your thoughts?" Rick asked.

Kate wondered whether to tell him. As usual, she opted for honesty. "I was thinking about babies."

Rick smiled. "Don't look so worried. You're allowed to think about babies."

Kate smiled back, but she still felt a bit nervous. "I want one. I think."

"Most women do." Rick knew she was serious. He put down his plate on the coffee table, and looked into her eyes. "If you're sure, there's nothing I'd like better than to have a child with you. But, you are still young. You've just started a new job. We haven't been together all that long, and although I intend for us to be together forever," Kate smiled properly when he said this, "I don't think having a kid is something you should rush into. That's the mistake Meredith made, and I think it's one of the reasons she's so undecided about what to do. Do you see what I mean."

Kate thought hard, and nodded. "Yes. But I still feel all broody."

"Well. Why not think about it some more, and we'll keep talking. You will have a kid in your life to some extent quite soon – I'm going to have a lot to do with my kid, and you're going to have a lot to do with me."

Kate smiled. She couldn't help it, when she heard him planning her into his future.

"Okay. Fair enough. And I guess it'd be hard. I like it just being you and me."

Rick smiled. "Me too."

He wondered if he'd done the right thing, talking her out of it. He thought for now, yes. He felt a bit weird being the one guiding her, as well as being in an equal relationship with her. But maybe that was a true couple – after all, he had a feeling she'd have some guidance to offer about his mother. They seemed to get on far too well. He found it kind of creepy.

They watched a movie, then went to bed. Kate fell asleep in Rick's arms, and hoped she'd be able to do that every night for the rest of her life. Her inner feminist shuddered, but the rest of her inner self told her inner feminist to shut up. Her inner feminist conceded that sleeping peacefully was nice.

Kate thought Rick had been right about the baby. He'd voiced all the doubts she'd been having herself – in a way that made them easy to accept. She wondered what his and Meredith's baby would be like. She wasn't worried, as some women would be. Rick had helped her to gain a lot of confidence – and she knew he was with her until she got sick of him, which she was pretty sure would be never.


	36. Chapter 36

_****_  
**_So sorry it has been so long! I haven't updated anything since long before Christmas, what with holidays and family stuff. I'm hoping to be much more reliable again - Another New Start should be updated soon as well. Take care and I hope you had a great Christmas - HAPPY 2013! Hugs and loveballs, Z xxx_**

_**Christmas Eve **_

"**Good Morning kids! Time to get up, lots to do!"**

Rick groaned and blinked in the light of the bedroom. He saw his mother in the doorway.

"Go away," he muttered.

Martha just laughed. "Come on. It's Christmas eve, and you both have work to do."

Rick looked at Kate. Her eyes were just opening, and she looked at him accusingly. Rick looked back sympathetically.

"Fine. We'll get up. You can go," he said to his mother. Martha left with a satisfied smile on her face. Rick groaned and flopped back against the pillows, pulling Kate into his arms.

"We could say we're ill," she murmured.

Rick laughed. "Or we could just say, since we're both adults, we don't have to do what she says."

"She's going to make us, isn't she?"

"'Fraid so. We'll live."

Rick slipped out of the bed and shivered. He took Kate's hand and led her to the bathroom. She didn't shut him out. He grinned.

"I think I'm looking forward to tonight."

"I think I am too," she said, smiling. She got into the shower, and he left to find clothes. He showered too, and they got dressed. Kate was ready before Rick, and she lay back on the bed, closing her eyes. It was so comfortable, she could easily just go back to sleep...

She felt the bed move. Rick was lying down beside her. He smelt like her body lotion. She opened her eyes and raised an eyebrow questioningly.

"Mine was empty," he said, and pulled her closer to him.

"You owe me," she replied, snuggling against him.

"Richard!" Martha's voice pierced their short-lived lull.

"Coming, mother," he said, and took Kate's hand, pulling her off the bed. They went into the kitchen where Martha was sitting, armed with a huge shopping list.

"Can I trust you two not to distract each other?"

Rick and Kate just looked at each other, knowing this was incredibly unlikely. Then Rick took the list.

"Of course. When do you need us back?"

His watch told him it was 9am. Martha gave them until 1pm. "I'll make lunch – don't be late!" she said as they hurried through the door.

"We could just go to my place," Kate said in the elevator. "It's empty – Lanie's away for the holidays, and my Dad's at his cabin."

But even as she said it she knew she didn't want to. Christmas at their apartment had always been so special, and it had been her mother that made sure it was. Rick saw the pain on her face, and put his arm around her. "I think we'd better do the shopping," he said. "She'll have our heads if we don't."

Kate smiled at him, and nodded. They decided to get the subway to the city centre, checking the list as the train shot through the web of underground passageways. Kate thought about the place she lived, operating on so many levels, with so much going on above and below ground. It was a bit like a person, feeling so many things at once. All the people on the train were wrapped up in their own little worlds, thinking about the next day and all the things they had to do. Kate was happy to be in her own little world with Rick. She thought back to when she was in college – her head might as well have been filled with cotton wool. She was different now. But she was still the same person. She saw Rick looking at her.

"What are you thinking about?" he asked, peering at her from over the list.

"Lots," Kate laughed. "How people change, but still stay the same."

Rick smiled. "Everything changes, right?"

"Exactly. But we're still the same people."

"Underneath, to an extent. But I think meeting you has made me change for the better."

"Me too. I guess bad things make us change as well..."

"Of course," he replied, knowing what she meant. "And you'll never go back to the way you were. But all these events that help to shape us, and make us who we are – they aren't necessarily bad. Or even if the event is bad, it might still change us for the better."

Kate could see what he was getting at. "I hope so. Anyway, this is a serious conversation for Christmas eve! What does your Mom want us to get?"

Rick smiled and put his arm around her. "It's okay to talk about serious things. In fact, it's good. And in answer to your question, food, mostly. And far too much of that."

Kate laughed. "Christmas wouldn't be Christmas if we didn't stuff ourselves silly."

"Can't argue with that," Rick said. They got off the train and made their way upstairs, looking around at the frozen city. They headed into Martha's favourite food market, and began loading up a cart with all the things on her list. They bought everything she had asked for. As he was paying, Rick smiled wryly.

"Interestingly, even though I had no say in what we bought, I seem to be paying for all of it."

Kate laughed. "You're the one with the money. Deal with it." She winked at him, and he winked back. The clerk laughed and wished them a Merry Christmas. Laden with brown paper bags, they decided to splash out on a taxi back to the apartment.

_**Christmas Day**_

Martha had really done herself proud with all the cooking, and long after she had gone to bed, Kate and Rick were still collapsed on the couch, feeling too full to move. Kate fiddled with the bracelet Rick had bought her, light and comfortable on her wrist. Rick watched her.

"I'm glad you like it," he said.

"It's perfect," she answered. He'd also given her a cell phone. She felt a bit guilty – she hadn't got him anything expensive. She'd given him a wallet because his was getting worn out, and a new notebook and pen. She'd thought about suggesting that they didn't do presents, but she'd decided that would just be cowardly – and they couldn't do that forever. Plus, she usually liked buying people things. She'd given Martha a new pair of gloves, and Martha had given her a dress that was beautiful, if rather more daring than Kate usually liked to be.

Kate snuggled against Rick.

"Don't fall asleep," he murmured. "Or I won't be able to get up."

"Why do you need to get up?" she asked quietly.

He closed his eyes. "I guess I don't..."

_**The next morning **_they woke up still on the couch. Kate stretched, getting rid of the stiffness in her neck.

"It's all over already," Rick said, and he sounded a little mournful. Kate laughed.

"Come on, you're a grown man. It's only Christmas."

"Only Christmas? Only Christmas? It'll be a whole year before it comes around again!"

Kate grinned. "You'll live. It was lovely though."

"I agree. Best Christmas yet." He smiled at her. "And I guess we can still celebrate other things?"

Kate saw the look in his eye. "I need some coffee first. And maybe we should move off the couch?" she added as he began to undo her shirt.

"Fine," he said, following her into the kitchen. "But I'm not waiting too long."

"Shouldn't we do something with Martha?" Kate asked over the hum of the coffee machine.

"Later, yes. But she'll sleep in. It's only eight – you always wake up so early!"

"Always have."

"Maybe we can turn it into a good thing today."

Kate laughed. "I think every seven seconds is an understatement!"

Rick laughed with her. "When I'm with you, there's just a constant feeling..."

Kate looked at him. "Even when we're fighting? O r talking about something really serious?"

"Especially when we're fighting. And the way your brow furrows when you're thinking – so cute I can't help myself..."

Kate poured him a coffee. "I guess women just have more resistance."

"Now I'm a little disappointed. When do you think about it? Don't tell me you never have, say, at work?"

"Maybe I have. But I have ways to... put it out of my mind."

"Do tell," he said, sipping his drink.

"I just think about something else. Like, I don't know, math or something."

Rick laughed loudly. "You do math to take your mind off me?"

Kate stuck her tongue out. "Well, math is logical and has strict rules – so it's the perfect opposite of you."

"You got me there," he said.

"How do you stop thinking about me?" she asked.

"I don't. I love thinking about you."

"But when you're supposed to be doing something..?"

"I multi-task. Or postpone it, I guess. I'm thinking about you right now. Can't wait for the real thing..."

Kate swatted him with her hand, but tipped her coffee down the sink. Rick poured his away too, and took her hand, leading her to the bedroom.


	37. Chapter 37

"**Rick, come on," Kate said from the bed.**

"Just a second – I'm fixing something," he said. She tried to see what he was doing, but his back was to her, and his body blocked whatever it was.

"Hurry up – I want to know. And I'm cold..." she said as saucily as she could.

"Got it!" he said, more to himself than to her.

"Got what, Rick?" she was beginning to sound annoyed.

"This," he said, turning around to face her. He flicked the switch of the record player behind him, and she heard the familiar piano chords of a song that she loved. He motioned for her to stand up on the bed, as he stepped up so he was standing in front of her.

"Good thing you have a high ceiling," she muttered.

"Shh," he said, putting his arms around her, moving his feet into a dance just as the lyrics started. She danced with him, a huge smile on her face. And whatever the future was going to bring, whatever would happen in the New Year, she knew that with Rick, she was going to be alright. And she was going to love, and be loved, always.

_L is for the way you look at me  
O is for the only one I see  
V is very, very extraordinary  
E is even more than anyone that you adore and_

Love is all that I can give to you  
Love is more than just a game for two  
Two in love can make it  
Take my heart and please don't break it  
Love was made for me and you

L is for the way you look at me  
O is for the only one I see  
V is very, very extraordinary  
E is even more than anyone that you adore and

Love is all that I can give to you  
Love is more than just a game for two  
Two in love can make it  
Take my heart and please don't break it  
Love was made for me and you

Love was made for me and you_  
__Love was made for me and you..._

THE END

_**Find the song on youtube, listen to it, watch them dancing in your mind, and smile, because they have their happily ever after. Thank you so much for reading, I have LOVED writing this fic, and this is the end, for real. **_

_**Loads and loads of hugs and loveballs, and if you aren't sick of me, check out my other stories. Take care, you're awesome!**_

_**Z**_


End file.
